Too Little Too Late, Breakup As I'm Diagnosed.

[Watch]

I was diagnosed with PTSD around 3 months ago , since then I've realized that in our almost 5 years together I've been difficult to live with. I only went to therapy because I had debilitating anxiety and depression.Therapy helped me realize PTSD was the cause but was also affecting my partner. Black and white thinking, negativity, social anxiety and challenging personality had done some damage to us. I was beside myself but felt I had the awareness to change and felt like my whole life could change, I wish I knew years ago.

Since therapy, there has been a shift inside of me, I can see my flaws and challenge them often, I don't win every time but I'm much better. My therapist says I'm making unbelievable progress. I've disclosed a lot of this to my partner, who seems to understand but is so over our relationship and in pain herself has said she doesn't want to go through this with me. Realizing damage done I asked if she'd try therapy for us or even go for herself. Every argument we have feels like re- experienced grief from the past so I thought that maybe therapy could help out and even help our relationship but she's refused to go. I even showed her this site, what PTSD is and how it affects people and how theres a 'Supporters Forum' but think I'm just wasting my time.She says she loves me and wants to be there for me through this but only as friends because she doesn't have anything left in her to go on nor believes that anything will change. I've take responsibility for most of the past failings with is but it feels like my effort is too little too late, it sucks, I didn't realize what was going on but now I do she's hit the eject button.

Recently she's been in contact with a male friend of hers who she once dated , I trust her but not him. He's constantly asking her if she's Ok, and knows were struggling. She went and saw him one night but kept it from me because she knew I'd be upset. I told her I have a problem with her getting closer to another male as we get further apart but she didn't seem to see what I meant.She said she didn't do it to hurt me but I can't understand how she'd think it wouldn't. I feel she'd be so angry if she read about it on here.

Last week she said she wanted to end it. I accept it but am really struggling with it. Some days I'm Ok but then on other days I just can't cope, I feel like I'm dying, then comes anger then I just polarize, dissociate and go back to being Ok again. I don't understand how I can be in so much pain then almost numb, it feels like it's PTSD not really me.

I feel like I can't be friends until I grieve the loss of the relationship first which I'm struggling with. I don't understand how she can not want to try with me but choose to end it instead.

 

[darrenS]

i feel for you , i had a very similar situation , whereas i was having problems and after much therapy and what not i was diagnosed with complex ptsd, of course it created havoc in my marriage , and i just started to feel helpless , like i had created all this damage and had very few resources to fix it. We did try marriage counselling before i was diagnosed and it was sheer hell. I decided one day i could no longer continue , with looking at the damage i had done and decided to leave the relationship.

She tried a few times early on to fix it , but i just couldn't cope with seeing what i had done, i wasn't violent etc , but always reactive and felt there was no way it could be fixed with us together. Fast forward 12 months later and we are still separated , and will more than likely we will not get back together, in fact its pretty certain we wont. I did have problems for a while with coming to terms with the end , and whenever i was around her i would go into emotional flashbacks and become a real mess.
We are good friends and yes it was extremely difficult as i wasnt ready to be friends and was still grieving , i still struggle occasionally but it has got a lot better , the hardest part is the kids, i love being with my kids but really struggled having to go to my old home.

It has taken a while but it is finally settling down, i am so sorry your going through and truly hope you find some relief. Sometimes us having ptsd makes things incredibly difficult for our partners and particularly if we weren't aware and created damage to the relationship

 

[Friday]

Brutal honesty: You're probably going to be a self absorbed asshole for the next year or two. Maybe not. Some people aren't. I was / am when I'm in the thick of it, a lot -if not most- are. Few relationships can survive that period. Friendships, otoh, can. There are different expectations on friendships than on romantic relationships. Not saying it's gonna be sunshine & rainbows at the end... But by releasing you of your obligation to meet her needs inside the relationship? You have a better shot at her seeing your growth over the next year or two, rather than being hurt and frustrated, more and more, by her own needs not being met. It shifts the perspective. And takes the pressure off of both of you. Lets you focus on you, let's her focus on her. Preserves the link between you two, instead of testing it. Still sucks. And either way it's going to be hard.

 

[Phoenix(not)]

I feel for you too. PTSD cost me two marriages and loss of my career. It is all to common for good marriages to fail when tested by PTSD. It is not fair and just adds to distress with feelings of abandonment added to the other stuff going on around.

PTSD is awful but the intensity often reduces over time (and with treatment/meds). I was reassured this several times by psychiatrists and psychologists and I tried my hardest to get well as my world was falling apart about me. I think it is worth taking on board though that it will pass or certainly reduce in intensity. But it takes time.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

The truth is that everyone has their breaking point, and she hit hers. Let her go.

She needs support, so she's reaching out to those who support her. I know you don't like who she is reaching out to, but at the same time, you can't tell her who she can and cannot get support from as things are over between the two of you.

You may get an initial bump up when you first get into treatment, but its inevitable that you will spiral down at some point. That is, it WILL get worse before it (overall) gets better. That's just how treatment works.