Advice on long distance relationship needed.

[richard_Grey_Area]

Hello, I have been kind of involved with someone for a while.
We met, almost a year ago and she really, really annoyed me.
Then we became friends, then close friends, then "just friends" but we'd visit often, so we became "just friends and cuddle-buddies", then we became something else.
Unfortunately she needed to go back to her home country and I'm stranded here.
We had a long discussion about the future before she left, several discussions.
The physical stuff which developed between us before she left can't continue, I mean we could make 'interesting' video calls, but that would be more difficult because she has gone to live with her family again. The romantic stuff, well we can't really get away from this, but we have agreed that the best way forward is if this is not the basis of our interactions.
Our relationship developed out of a really good, really close friendship and the rest was an extension of that. We have decided to stay really good friends and deal with stuff as it comes up.

Reasons I like this:
1) I really love this person and she has made a huge difference in my life.
2) She wasn't ever a victim of sexual violence (unlike me) but we both have intimacy issues - we have done stuff before, but I like that the physical side of things is not the basis of our relationship since I still struggle to come to terms with physical times. I think it would be unfair to base a relationship I get into on physical intimacy (not even necessarily sex) because there are times when I just don't feel like it or (on an emotional level) just can't even if I want to.
3) Relationships I have been in previously go in the following way: I try too hard to make the other person happy, I try to be as supportive and caring as possible (sometimes slightly smothering) I "swallow" anger and negative feelings because I don't want to feel like I have a problem and can't cope.
4) I have real problems with anger, mistrust and jealousy, anxiety and some other things which often make me hard to be close with. I am not looking at this as "practice", but space between us makes it easier for me to work on these things. I think I have made a little progress with the jealousy and mistrust so far and I am working on other things.
5) I am learning about trust and being mature in relationships, about discussing things and about being able to receive support and help.

Things I am a little uncomfortable with:
We talked about everything in depth. This wasn't something she brought up, but I thought it was better if we addressed this so we had some idea of things which might come up.
Based on this, the friendship being the core of our relationship (which I really like), we have agreed that we can see other people - not that we won't be jealous or upset by it, but that we can't claim 'ownership' over each other, we won't be like enemies because one of us becomes involved with someone else. I know it is bad of me to feel insecure and jealous, but she is so beautiful and so special I can't imagine anyone not falling in love with her. I don't want to tell her what she can and can't do in her life, but I know she's the kind of woman you see across the street and you are already thinking about marrying her and having kids! So I worry so much that she will find someone else, and yes, we will still be friends, and I would love her to be happy, but as selfish as it is to say this, I would really, really love her to be happy with me.

So that's the background story, I have 2 specific questions but please feel free to comment on this as well. I can take brutal honesty.

Ok, firstly, this is slightly less serious than the second one.

Does anyone know of any good online games we can play together:
She's not into violent 1st person shooters and I am not sure she'd greatly enjoy really tactical conquest driven strategy games.
I would like the following things in the game we can play together.
1) free or free to play, not needing a subscription
2) quite casual, I mean I want a fun game to play, not a second job! A game which won't penalise us if we can't be online together for some time, or in fact if we can't be online at all, this happens since we are in different timezones and both work + have friends and family.
3) NB, I want a game which offers the opportunity to cooperate and collaborate, so we can have fun and work on things together. The sense that we are able to help each other and enrich one another's experience would be good, I think. And if we can go online only separately, it would be nice if we could do things which would benefit each other when we come online.
4) I have a preference for game which offer some sort of rpg mechanic and perhaps even a home-building dynamic where we can act out fantasies of being together again. Also I like the rpg element side of things because we can each develop different skills and use them to compliment and help each other, this I hope will make us feel closer even when we are so far apart.

Any suggestions?

 

[richard_Grey_Area]

The second question is... more difficult.

I have this friend who I posted stuff about before. She was the one who kind of coerced me into a sexual situation with her, although she has been more respectful of my wishes since.
She comes from a very broken home and has a more problems than I can ever help her with.
She suffers from serious thyroid problems and associated obesity and depression, she has very bad pcos and diabetes. She can not be cured, but with treatment she can live a less uncomfortable life.
My friend's father does not want to know her, her mother is an alcoholic who physically abuses her because her treatments cost money that the lovely mom could be drinking with.
My friend is far from perfect, she has taken advantage of me in different ways, but I strongly feel that most of her problems are not actually her fault. After a huge fight with the mother, she was thrown out of home. She has been staying with friends since. She is going to live with me for a while. I could have said no, but I kind of can't.
I am not looking forward to my friend staying, it will be uncomfortable and inconvenient, but I don't feel that I can just ignore what she is going through when I have the capacity to help.

So I told my somebody that another woman was moving in with me. She was upset but she is trying to keep things together and being very nice and supportive. I don't feel I deserve this.
For me, it would be very difficult to have sex with my friend because I feel that she is coming to me in a desperate state, and even if she were to initiate things, like she did last time, I would still feel like I was taking advantage of her. Me and my person have an agreement that we don't "own each other", so technically she has said she is ok with me getting intimate with this other friend of mine, but I never imagined actually using that agreement. I can't imagine being intimate with my friend (beyond having someone to rub my back, damn, I need that right now!) but I worry that the woman I love will think that I could become physically and emotionally involved with her.
I don't want to send her too many reassurances, because that will make it seem like I am thinking about the possibility of things going down, but I want to reassure her that she is the only person I want to be with. I don't know how I can do this in a way which doesn't sound like something 'clever' I am saying to get away with things.
Does anyone have any suggestions about this?

 

[dawnstar]

i can definitely relate to how past relationships turned out (the positivity, the "swallowing" of anger and negativity, ect).
i was with my ex for six months and it was a long distance relationship. she had bipolar disorder, anxiety, depression, intimacy issues, an abusive mom, and was drinking fairly often despite being underaged. she was also poly. i constantly tried to hold her up and support her to the point of being overwhelming, and any issue i had i had to ignore. not because she was abusive, but a combo of the trauma/issues from my abusive father and my anxiety/terror over being a good partner.

she would come to me every couple of months and tell me she was interested in someone or that someone was interested in her. and because she was poly, she would ask if i was okay with her dating them. i told her no the first time, and said that it really made me uncomfortable. she was crying and telling me she was worried that i would abandon her because she was interested in someone else. it wasn't about me. it was about her and her feelings. each time it happened after i felt more and more like i wasn't enough for her and like she was staying with me out of guilt or because it was easier. i said nothing because i was afraid i would ruin our relationship by talking. the last time she admitted that she was interested in someone and i said no, she ignored me for a few days and then broke up with me. she blocked me on every social media account and we didn't talk for months.
i loved her a lot but she wasn't healthy for me. we're friends now, but i haven't forgiven her all the way for making me feel like i was inadequate and like i was the one ruining our relationship even though she just couldn't say she didn't want me anymore and preferred someone else. i constantly worried for her safety and mental health but she didn't do the same for me. i'm honestly not sure if she even loved me.

i would say in answer to your questions: talk about everything. if you have an issue even if you think it'll ruin everything, talk. if your relationship is ruined over you bringing something up that hurt you or made you uncomfortable, it's better off that way. it's not a good relationship if you can't communicate. my ex had intimacy problems and she was constantly craving casual touch and affection from those she loved. she said it was hard to be in a relationship with me when we couldn't interact physically. you said it was hard to emotionally know if you were into physical intimacy and that you had issues with mistrust and jealousy. i don't think a long distance relationship would be the best thing to solve this. in my experience it just fostered those emotions and made it a lot worse because i didn't feel like i could talk about it or smothered the feelings and didn't let out any hint that i was distressed.

as for games that have what you're looking for, i'm sorry but i don't know any off the top of my head that have what you want and are multiplayer.

for the second question, i would say be open. it might sound like you're "trying something" if you reassure her too much but you need to open that communication up and clear out any feelings of mistrust or jealousy because that'll just hurt your relationship. if your friend is staying with you soon, before then you need to talk to your somebody and reassure her with what you just said in your post. you can't possibly imagine being intimate with someone else even with your agreement and you love her a lot. opening up the discussion and letting her air out her feelings will go a lot farther to help than what seem like empty reassurances from you.

sorry for the long post but i hope this helped a little!