Advise - Flat Fire And Wanting To Remember - Sleeping Issues

[Michael130989]

Hey everyone

Basically need some advice. I was burnt in a flat fire in my flat 2 years ago which was caused by a candle.

I had burns to my back and spent a while in hospital having skin grafts.

I don't remember days before or after the event. Everything I know about the fire has been told to me by neighbors / fire report and from the ambulance staff who took me from my flat at the time to hospital.

I was told I was screaming for help and had pushed myself right up against the front door which would have been the coldest point in the flat and my neighbors had to kick the door into me to get me out of the flat. I was then apparently carried down by the person who lived opposite.

At the moment, around the two year anniversary I started waking up and seeing a photo of my handprint in one of the windows and it's really effecting my sleep and mental health. I see this most nights waking up multiple times.

Without taking something to help me sleep I am lucky if I get 3 - 4 hours sleep. I'm not having a flash back, I'm waking up to the photo not an actual memory.

I have a lot of photos of the flat after the fire and want to trigger memories so I can remember what happened. I know that's probably not the most advisable thing to do but I need to remember what happened.

Basically I would like your views / advice on if I should try and trigger memories and if there's anything anyone can suggest to help me sleep / get the photo out of my head so I don't keep waking up and seeing it?

 

[Friday]

No idea how advisable it is, either. From my own experience of playing around with memories;

PARTIAL MEMORIES : Start backwards. Instead of trying to remember what happened in chronological order, going backwards not only often fills in gaps, but doesn't allow for other people's narratives to get in the way. For myself they tend to be waaaaaay more sensory than my narrative memories. So going backwards I might remember blood in a sink, water running down my neck (I washed the blood out of my hair). Flashing lights and movement in the distance going very very fast (the police left). The way the cigarette felt in my hand, desperate need to keep people out of my house (talking to police). If I wrote down these little vignettes? Then read backwards, I'll have a forwards narrative (I spoke with police, the police left, I washed blood out of my hair)... That is often far more complete than the piece I originally had (I think I spoke with police?... Not remembering if I did or not for sure, nor wanting to keep them out of my house, nor when they left, nor washing blood from my hair, etc.).

Going backwards is an after action report writing trick, even when there's no memory lapse. It removes the emotion, and details emerge that at otherwise often glossed over or simply forgotten.

NO MEMORIES : Senses. We have 5, but people often get stuck trying to use just 1 (vision). When I'm trying to tease a memory out? I usually have best luck coming at it from 1 or more of the other 4.

 

[Ronin]

Q: Stabilization first / are you actually in shape to handle more somatic memories / more memories coming back?

Serious concern, because if a little piece is givng you helluva hard time, more fuller memories or senses of them may not be relief, so wondering if you are in a position to even go into deeper work like that.

 

[Michael130989]

Q: Stabilization first / are you actually in shape to handle more somatic memories / more memories coming...

Thanks for replying.

I'm in no real position to handle more really but then I can't cope with not knowing what happened. All that seeing this photograph has done for me apart from effecting my sleep so my is make me really desperate to remember exactly what happened

 

[Michael130989]

No idea how advisable it is, either. From my own experience of playing around with memories;

PARTIA...

Thanks for replying.

I may end up trying some of what you suggested. Thanks for the ideas

 

[Ronin]

is make me really desperate to remember

Try working with that despair, as simply emotion.
That despair and memory are two different things to process.
You might get more desperate with the memory, you may get different type of desperate, you might find the memory does nothing to alleviate the despair even when not adding anything new, and the feeling would still be there.

So tackle what IS your current problem, and present already, first.
Before going memory hunting.