Again With The Inner Child

[watundah]

Back with an update.

After three weeks of nearly daily writing, things have leveled off considerably and there is much less expression of bad experiences and more expression of want..want to be told they are ok, good, safe and want to go outside and be with me and so on. Even a request for hugs.

My T is gently urging me to do this writing in session tomorrow. We have had some powerful exchanges in her office discussing the writings including healing touch which was an amazing gift of heartfelt warmth. I believe this all has led to some amazing progress in bringing us closer (reminder - majorly resistant client here). I'm assuming she must have her own questions in mind so I will do my best to foster the exchange. We'll see if the little ones are willing.

I'm amazed what a needy, fearful little person resides inside of this strong, independent woman!

 

[Rumors]

It would be frightening to discover how needy we all really are. Freaks me out! Very proud of you!

 

[Panda Bear]

Sorry.....I'm internally screaming "you let your T touch you??"

 

[watundah]

The back and forth writing went fine in therapy today but now my therapist is encouraging my little one to speak. This freaks me out and I resisted. The little one expresses a want to have a voice but the adult me is overwhelmed. Sounds a bit over the top. Mutism was my defense as a child. Now the young one wants to talk but the adult is scared. This would be a huge step.

Id appreciate input from any successful inner child in therapy talkers!
Thanks.

 

[watundah]

@Panda Bear yes I did. After 3 1/2 years. It was a first and wasn't at all funky or wierd but I have never had a problem with touch. It was actually quite healing.

 

[Thinkbig]

Therapy creates a certain amount of anxiety for me. I realized recently I think it's because I spent ye...

Not sure if this pertains to you, but recently found this quote.

"The profound impact of a disorganized attachment history on all future relationships, even therapeutic ones, should never be underestimated. It manifests in an intense and chronic phobia of the treatment and the caregiver that undermines the treatment and appears as resistance, chronic ambivalence, oppositional defiance, or self-destructive behavior."

I've always hated therapy. The child me may remember, which is why I've shunned her, but I still have very few memories.

 

[Panda Bear]

My T did some talking about the child like me this week. He's been really spending a lot of time referring to and trying to get me to understand the child me vs the adult me. Why adult me behaves and reacts to certain subjects and feelings, and how adult me can learn to take control and be in charge more.

Not to let child me run wild and be my internal guide and frame of reference for my feelings.

 

[Thinkbig]

What helped me to finally "see" the child me was when I started to have all these intense feelings about my helper. I had to read up on the whole transference thing to realize that the overwhelming feelings were actually from child me.

So I agree @Panda Bear but it's so hard to stop and filter through all the emotions to realize, "oh, that's just her trying to be heard". And how to honor her voice withough losing control of adult me???

 

[Tinyflame]

I think it may be prudent to distinguish between explaining or recognizing inner-child dialogue or inclinations (for lack of a better word), with actual decisions, opinions, & observations we have but perhaps simply are not used to expressing. ie actual cognitive assessment, not emotionally-based (not based simply on how we perceived things 'then' but rather the recognition of what we see & know now, & the courage to have confidence in that & act accordingly). That is, our inner child not influencing what we see or know, but influencing a feeling of having no means to speak up, or avoid it, etc. Second guessing ourselves when we know what we know. JMHO though.

 

[watundah]

After several months of doing the writings, it has been incredibly enlightening to learn what a precious and wonderful younger self exists(ed) and to gain a great deal of insight as to why I felt and still feel the way that I do about many things. She/they brought up the traumas at the beginning of our writings, and T said we would focus on healing her. The compassion is key, as @Thinkbig says. She eats up the fact that someone is caring, taking the time to ask questions, and breaking the isolation, sadness and loneliness that resides within and expresses that appreciation back to me in our writing. Compelling work.

I am not sure how we are going to go back and tackle the big traumas that I experienced. I should address this with my therapist, as we seem to have veered off track but perhaps part of it is simply gaining trust and building relationship for now. I kind of want to dig in and get them fixed...or at least start the process. Whatever that may look like.

@Thinkbig, regarding the attachment theory, I agree with this. The main reason I am in therapy is relational issues and my "protective shield", which, of course, is contrary to any work one does in therapy. I understand that hammering through this crap with my therapist, in the most revealing and "intrusive" relationship, will make it easier to deal with "normal" relationships in the future.

 

[Thinkbig]

My younger self is 4. I have treated her horribly, saw her as weak. When I finally got to talk to her, she held no hatred toward me. For me, it's not that child that needs the healing. It's me. The person who put up all these walls to protect me and also hold me in. I've held onto to self hatred for so long. So learning to have compassion has been pivotal. Not there yet, but learning. Why is it so hard to forgive myself when I wasn't to blame for being raped?!?

Crazy as it sounds, this wonderful, bright eyed child looks up to me. She sees the strength and determination and beauty in me that I have been unable to see. I have such a profound love for her right now I could cry if I weren't at work. It's so new. Feeling love for her, for me, is new.

@watundah Good for you! Building this relationship with your inner child is SO worth the effort! I almost think it's more important than dealing with the actual trauma, but that's just my opinion. It's bringing such stability...sigh...