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Alcohol & drug addiction with ptsd

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I don’t quite understand why the shrinks can grill me on how much I drink and how many pills I pop – wouldn’t be doing it if life was all rainbows and lollipops. Find the therapy sessions more like confession and what else has Kate f*cked up whilst trying to cope?
Right now I don’t want to be a mum, I don’t want to be a friend, I don’t want to be awake at all, I don’t want to talk to the “psychiatrists & psychologist”. I’m even angry if I wake up!
If anyone reads this, thank you – it’s nice to vent anonymously & without being judged.
Love & light to you all.
Hi Kate, maybe they care for your longevity health? So… why are you so angry when you wake-up?
Good question Anthony. I guess I’m pissed off that I have another day ahead of me, living inside my mind & trying to make sense of it all. If it’s sunny outside when I wake, that just makes me sad and think of the old Kate. I absolutely look forward to taking pills that numb my mind and settle my anxiety, add a drink or 2 on top of those – my preferred state of mind. Sad but true. I try and tell myself this is a phase and it too shall pass, not a shitty life just a shitty time. Easy to tell yourself that.
Thanks for listening.,
Kate, I have been exactly where you are. No shit, was a full on alcoholic, waking every day trying to find a reason why I should bother existing, and why I shouldn’t be off killing myself. The alcohol helped numb everything I just didn’t want to, maybe couldn’t at that time, face and deal with.

In essence, the problem was that I was actually trying to exist, instead of heal. I was blaming everyone and anything for me having PTSD, when in fact external factors can’t be changed. I am now a person with PTSD, and I had a simple choice when it came down to it. Die or live. Me… I chose live. As such, that meant I had to make choices towards obtaining that goal.

Honestly… I didn’t believe it was achievable, but with some help from talking with others, I concluded if they could do it, then so could I. I’m far from who I used to be, but I am alive and I am living life nowadays. I get to enjoy things in life, I get to enjoy people, I get to enjoy being human until such time as it is my time to die. But I made a choice that that won’t be by my own hands.

It is hard to see anything better when you’re in the depths of PTSD. I get it, I really do. How I got out was actually simpler than I certainly ever thought possible. Baby steps. Nothing big, that just equates to failure. Baby steps is literally just picking one small thing that you want to change, nothing big, nothing life changing, just one thing within your reach that you accept you can change about yourself, your life, for the better.

I started keeping a log of all the shit that was wrong… and let me tell you, that is depressing in itself, but don’t focus on the list, focus on that one thing. Baby steps. I changed one thing, and when I had changed that one thing and it stuck, I moved onto the next, then next, then next.

Yes, I had failures along the way. I wanted so bad to change some things, but really they weren’t ready to be changed, so I had to skip some aspects and choose others. I kept chipping away. Over the past years since developing PTSD and from the time I chose to change things for my life for the positive… I am in a completely different situation that I thought was for me. My life is good. I wake up happy.

Sure, who doesn’t still have shit days. Shit moments. You don’t need PTSD for that. Baby steps… just one thing that is reasonable for you to change, and focus on changing it. Then move on. I got to a place where I could go back and take on things I previously failed upon… and let me tell you, when you eventually change the failures for positive outcomes… it motivates you further.

You have a choice to make, and nobody can make that for you. It is yours to make. Some of us choose death. Some of us choose life. Me personally, I don’t discriminate against anyone with PTSD for their choice. I understand the options, is why.

You may think its all doom and gloom… but it can be done, and you can do it. We all can, to be honest… but that is our choice to make.

I hope the best for you Kate…
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