Hi, I'm brand new to this site. Just made an account. I have lurked around different threads and posts on here when searching on Google about different aspects of ptsd...it has always led me here. So my name is Victoria and I'm 25 and I have a pretty normal life with, trying to make it better, but it's not bad by any means. I have a loving boyfriend, who is the one for me. We have been together for almost a year and a half. He's patient, kind, goofy/funny, listens, asks questions with what I'm dealing with, does his own research on ptsd and how to help, when I'm disconnected and need time he gives me that, and when I'm needy and full of emotion and need to be held he gives me that. He's not perfect, he has his own shit, but our shit fits together well.
With all that being said, this time of year is horrible for me. My anniversary is the day after Christmas and many "memories" go with this time of year and I can feel it as that day gets closer, it feels like I'm slowly drowning and being dragged to that day. I'm just negative right now. I'm not happy. I want to be happy and positive though. I want a good Christmas with my family and the love of my life. I want to make new memories filled with Christmas movies and songs and all of the Christmas things. I was disconnected these last few weeks...on and off, isolating myself. He was still there. He sent me messages of love and encouragement. Now, I'm sensitive as hell, needy, and emotional. I feel like I need to be left alone until after the holidays. I don't feel like I bring enough to the table, so to speak, and all I'm doing is projecting my unbalanced, negative, not capable of being happy self onto others...him included. I try my best not to make him the enemy in my head. I'm taking everything said and done as negatively at first...for some reason that is what my head is doing right now. I just don't feel human. I feel like he deserves better in his life than falling for some messed up girl like me. He knows everything about me, I was honest with him basically since day 1. We were upfront with each other about what we have been through and deal with. It has grown into an understanding and loving relationship. He is my best friend. I have had other episodes before this, but this time of year is probably the worst of it. I'm learning new ways to cope and deal as I try my best at recognizing what I go through, but I'm not always successful and rational and there. I just don't want to hurt him or cause him any pain. He says I'm not and that he loves me with all his heart and only time and permanence will show that to me, but I feel bad for putting him through this. I love him with all my heart and I just wish if I could give him anything for Christmas it would be someone that loves him just as much as I do with a better working mind.
Sorry if this is really long. I just decided to vent all my thoughts and dwellings in my head out. In no real particular order, I hope it's all understandable to a certain degree. If you have any questions or don't understand something, please feel free to ask. I hope everybody's holiday season is going good.
With all that being said, this time of year is horrible for me. My anniversary is the day after Christmas and many "memories" go with this time of year and I can feel it as that day gets closer, it feels like I'm slowly drowning and being dragged to that day. I'm just negative right now. I'm not happy. I want to be happy and positive though. I want a good Christmas with my family and the love of my life. I want to make new memories filled with Christmas movies and songs and all of the Christmas things. I was disconnected these last few weeks...on and off, isolating myself. He was still there. He sent me messages of love and encouragement. Now, I'm sensitive as hell, needy, and emotional. I feel like I need to be left alone until after the holidays. I don't feel like I bring enough to the table, so to speak, and all I'm doing is projecting my unbalanced, negative, not capable of being happy self onto others...him included. I try my best not to make him the enemy in my head. I'm taking everything said and done as negatively at first...for some reason that is what my head is doing right now. I just don't feel human. I feel like he deserves better in his life than falling for some messed up girl like me. He knows everything about me, I was honest with him basically since day 1. We were upfront with each other about what we have been through and deal with. It has grown into an understanding and loving relationship. He is my best friend. I have had other episodes before this, but this time of year is probably the worst of it. I'm learning new ways to cope and deal as I try my best at recognizing what I go through, but I'm not always successful and rational and there. I just don't want to hurt him or cause him any pain. He says I'm not and that he loves me with all his heart and only time and permanence will show that to me, but I feel bad for putting him through this. I love him with all my heart and I just wish if I could give him anything for Christmas it would be someone that loves him just as much as I do with a better working mind.
Sorry if this is really long. I just decided to vent all my thoughts and dwellings in my head out. In no real particular order, I hope it's all understandable to a certain degree. If you have any questions or don't understand something, please feel free to ask. I hope everybody's holiday season is going good.
