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All the connection i could possibly desire but is it healthy?

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@UnicornSightings Thanks for the additional info.

Ok...so...he has set some bounda...
Fantastic comment and no, I appreciate the honesty! I think you’re kind of right. And while I DO know he does whatever he can for his clients, I DO feel extra special and cared for. But I think he wants that? Like he wants me to feel cared for and I do. I really like your idea of sending him a text the day of the session asking him to broach this if I don’t. I think a lot of what I get out of the in-person sessions is the connection through humor that we share. It’s a space I can be that way and also have someone care for me. But the way the sessions are now, there’s no forward momentum. We are starting EMDR soon (have done a couple things so far) so there will be that. I was initially thinking (when he proposed the messaging option) that 30 min is more in my budget. But really, I do think you’re maybe right with this. I’m trying to get this deep need met and seeing his offer as exactly what I’ve needed my whole life. Surely that won’t end badly lol.

So, I want to connect. He says I can. I want more than just our session cause I don’t open up much. Maybe something like we discussed long ago where I write him an email and he doesn’t reply or rather just acknowledges he got it. I could live with that. I could live well with that. Because I can’t journal and bring stuff in and read it. I tried and can’t. So if he is aware of some stuff and it’s agreed that he bring stuff up if I don’t start talking about it that sounds like a way to work at it, without maybe the dependency that I really want to avoid. Do you think a sorta long email with no response needed is ok? I feel bad making him do that, like I’m adding to his work. I know he won’t charge me. Actually what started this was a couple weeks ago I emailed begging (practically) him to charge me for emails so I could write the things I was feeling without feeling like shit about it.

I appreciate you looking out for my best interest. I knew I’d get honest feedback here and that it rarely is “great idea, Unicorn! Nothing bad will come from that!” Lol.

@UnicornSightings Maybe it could be an empowering experience to gradually learn ho...
I would love to be less nervous there. Just last week I brought that up again. And my fear too is that I’ll be 2 people then, right? Messaging me and in-person me and that the union of 2 I want won’t happen.

Just to add having read @NinjaWolf reply above...perhaps there is some work to be d...
I feel like that’s what we’ve been doing. For months. Just getting a good rapport and trying to get to a place where the anxiety subsides... I have these moments between the jokes. The jokes are so important for me. They add this comfort and I can say something real for a moment. And then a joke again. And he lets me. He likes me humor and had admitted maybe he needs to work on not letting me resort to that as much as well. But I AM funny there. Like the humor light turns on there, it’s pretty cool. Seems a good discussion about this will have to take place. But HOW?!! That’s the thing. I feel like bring cards to session with questions I want him to ask me. Do you think that would be weird?

This...Is perfectly normal with a new T, sometimes it takes months to be able to open up. Especially if w...
I think I may be excited about the idea of opening up via hiding. You have made some good points!

I get how sometimes communicating over text can be easier for some. Personally I don’t see it being a huge issue se...
Really?? That the thing! Will it help me go deeper or will it just be avoiding the in-person anxiety?

I really do want more of his time and attention. I think that could be bad for me ultimately.
 
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@UnicornSightings I think whether it becomes assistive or more of an avoidance tactic is partially up to you. You can try the approach and make the call, as time goes on. If you are actively going to try to face some fears of bringing things up in session, then you are probably not avoiding to the point where you may run the risk of remaining stuck, in my opinion. If you find you are only ever bringing up those difficult topics first in messaging, then you can maybe take a closer look. It would be trying to balance facing fears, with giving yourself a rest from the anxiety, and you get to do both, I think.
 
@UnicornSightings I think whether it becomes assistive or more of an avoidance tac...
Yeah I do want growth and to be more open in person. I think I’m gonna tell him all this stuff in an email. All my fears and how I really want it but how there’s a chance it could be detrimental. And then we can decide together or clear things up a bit before moving forward.
 
Will it help me go deeper or will it just be avoiding the in-person anxiety?I really do want more of his time and attention. I think that could be bad for me ultimately.

Only you really know the real reasons you want this extra time some you may be aware of and some not. In relation to the anxiety it may in one way cause you to be avoiding dealing with in session but in another way, it may allow you to be more 'open' with him. I get a lot of in session anxiety that only arises in session and is not there at other times for various reasons. My t has changed her approach for me slightly as my anxiety in sessions wasn't alleviating and I wasn't able to ever tap into any of my trauma. She has become far more conversational and open yet still keeps tight boundaries and whilst I still have some anxiety it is not half as bad as it was and I have found it very helpful. I'm not sure if this is the same thing as what Van Der Kolk mentions as the window of tolerance in 'the body keeps the score' Something about we can't really begin to heal the trauma if we are still outside our window in therapy.

Can I ask is he charging you significantly less for the messaging session? I know you alluded to him caring more as he was allowing this and someone else rightly said that added this session does not necessarily equal care. He is your T however and it is clear he has made you feel cared for in all he has done until now so only you know. To me I see it as the fact that he is offering this is showing care. The fact that he is charging you does not necessarily mean it's because he wants 'more money' or is looking at it as a way to keep his business going. To me, I see the fact he is charging you as also care. He is keeping a boundary in place to keep it from turning into anything different.

Also, I don't think you need to feel embarrassed or weird about the maternal transference you had for your old T. It's totally normal.

Oh and also I don't think to add an extra session is going to encourage you to become more attached. In my opinion, you will either get extremely attached (if not yet already so)....... or you won't........ regardless of adding this extra session. To me attachment is not based on the amount of time you see a person. Might it be harder when the time comes to say goodbye? Yes perhaps so as you will have physically a bigger space in your life. Emotionally though I think it will be the same.

Apologies if my post is all over the place I'm rushing out the door but trying to get my thoughts down before I do.
 
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Do you think a sorta long email with no response needed is ok?

If it were me, yes, I think this is totally ok....it would be ok for both me and my therapist. Would it feel ok for you? And for your T? Maybe something to check with him on?


I feel like that’s what we’ve been doing. For months. Just getting a good rapport and trying to get to a place where the anxiety subsides

Yes, I see what you mean and I get that. Humour is very important to me too and I often go into “entertainer” mode with my therapist and I love it when we can have a laugh and some banter together.

I think there is a balance to be found though between using humour to build relationship, establish rapport, to get into relationship and to create more sense of safety in the space etc...and the humour, joking, banter etc actually becoming an avoidance strategy (even though that may be an unconscious thing) Because, actually, all the joking and the banter and the story-telling (I’m a big fan of funny story-telling!) doesn’t ultimately calm the anxiety, I don’t think...for me, I think it just distracts me from it, if that makes sense? Because I avoid the anxiety (and the intimacy/vulnerability, which feels very uncomfortable) and replace it with fun banter and laughter (which feels much better)

For me, just “being in the space with her” meant feeling the anxiety and experiencing all the uncomfortable stuff that came up and not just leaping in to diffuse it with humour...and coming to trust that I could bear it, even if it didn’t feel good.

I feel like bring cards to session with questions I want him to ask me. Do you think that would be weird?

I don’t think that would be weird. I think it could be a really useful thing for you to try.

I really do want more of his time and attention

This is what it comes down to, I think. This is the thing you really want...his time, his attention, his care... That, for me, is where it sounds like the work is. Because it sounds like you have a really powerful longing for all that stuff and for the connection with him. But that it also brings up significant anxiety, awkwardness and avoidance behaviour for you. It sounds like working on secure attachment in a therapeutic setting could be really valuable for you. I’m not sure whether upping your sessions is the way to do that. But I don’t know.

It sounds like you want to give this new set up (the extra messaging session) with him a go so maybe this is a suck it and see situation?
 
I can’t journal.
What would you think about taking this thread into him? It's a lot of really good info that both shows your questions to start and your thought processes as you are interacting with others here. I think he could use this as part of setting out your plan and help you to explain what it is you need and why. I'm also guessing he could use some of the concerns and suggestions that have been raised in your sessions to really discuss what you want and why -- without you having to bring it all up. ??
 
Only you really know the real reasons you want this extra time some you may be aware of and some not....
Thanks for your comment!

No, he’s charging me the same amount for the messaging session. I don’t believe he cares MORE for me than others. I think he just cares a lot about everyone. Which is really awesome. I’ve been thinking about it and I don’t think I feel more special than his other clients but just having the extra contact with him makes me feel closer to him. I don’t know if that’s a good thing. I kinda want him to be like my last t sometimes and take email and between-session contact completely off the table but the part that LOVES and soaks up his care like a sponge doesn’t want me to suggest that to him. I think about him more than my own life at times so yeah. There’s that. That’s how it was before. I remember when I stopped contact with my mom. My last t would remind me again and again when I would be thinking of her (my mom) and feeling guilty to “bring it back to yourself”. And then I went from focusing on my mom to her. And it’s repeating with my new t. He HAS suggested texting in session. Like he said he would go into the other room (the waiting room that’s always empty) and we could communicate that way. I turned it down cause it felt silly but that would be a way to communicate in a way I can be more open while sticking to just “in session” time. It sucks. I know that all this longing is from my sucky childhood and the love I never received and damn, I just really want what my brain is telling me he’s giving me. Like living the lie feels good. Imagining I mean so much to him.... and I know it’s just his job. I know. I do. But he really does care. But he doesn’t know what to do to help me, either. I don’t know what kind of help I need. But I know I could never open up to someone who’s cold and unfeeling so it seems like I’m stuck with having these feelings come up and getting in the way.
 
If it were me, yes, I think this is totally ok....it would be ok for both me and my therapist. Would i...
He’s told me countless times I can email so I’m sure it would be ok. I’M the one who thinks it’s a burden on him, not him. I really love the idea of still writing to him and think a very short reply, though somewhat disappointing, will be ok. I’m embarrassed to admit I save his responses and read them several times, soaking in all the kind words. I would do that when teachers and professors wrote nice things on my assignments. The only praise I would ever get. But I need to take over that role so a simple “I read it, thanks” would likely be better for me.

Yes, the joking is merely a distraction. Once there’s a lull the anxiety kicks in again! Last session we had a slightly emotional moment and I told him to tell me a joke really quick. Like I just couldn’t sit in it, you know? So I like the idea of sitting with those feelings and I’ve proposed that to my last t and this one but it hasn’t happened. I need to be persistent. Like sit with the discomfort in silence for a few min. That’s a good plan and I feel would be forward progress.

And yes! I would love to have a secure attachment but I have no idea what that is or how to go about it. I guess it would just be knowing someone cares but not needing them to to still feel good about myself. I think I need to practice my self-compassion more. I’ve gotten out of that habit.

Thanks so much for all your words!!!
 
What would you think about taking this thread into him? It's a lot of really good info that both shows...
I would feel so embarrassed and also horrible for making him read soooooo much at once. I don’t like making people I care about do anything for me. But there IS a lot of good stuff here and this all would be good for him to know. Hmm.
 
I get that! So it would be a good exercise in letting people care for you........:).
II think more importantly it would show him your thought processes - which may actually benefit him as he sets out a treatment plan. So you wouldn't necessarily be doing it for you....but more for the two of you as a team???
 
I get that! So it would be a good exercise in letting people care for you........:).
II think more i...
There really isn’t a treatment plan though. Like EMDR is on the to-do list but other than that, I show up and say whatever. I don’t know exactly what I need to say to change myself in the ways I want so I don’t really say a whole lot at all about my own stuff. And it’s good for the part of me that just wants to be cared for each week but for the part of me that would like to be stronger I just don’t know what I’m doing and what my problem is. I want someone to deliver a book of exactly what to do in therapy and in life to get the best results. But I have to write my own book and it’s like “ok, here’s the paper but where’s the pen?” Or “black or blue ink? Pencil?” Or “this paper isn’t lined, I need unlined”. I get in my way all the damn time.
 
I didn’t read every response yet, but wanted to comment because I do have a similar amount of communication with my T and it has never been an issue as far boundary confusion, becoming obsessed, etc.
I am free to email my T as much as I want. Some months it ends up being once between sessions. Some months not at all. And if I go a long stretch without emailing she asks for a midweek update. Sometimes she responds with a paragraph. Sometimes a line. Sometimes not at all. As much as that inconsistency can be frustrating it has been helpful because I have zero expectations. But I use email as some people have said- to discuss something I REALLY needed to say in session and couldn’t get out. Or to put stuff out there so I have to be accountable. We always start the session with an email if I’ve sent one. She pulls it up on her phone and we go through it together. It has been really helpful as I am able to say more in the room since I got used to talking about uncomfortable things and seeing her reaction in person. It has taken three years for me to get a little more comfortable. I’m still mostly frozen/quiet. So she has said she appreciates all the extra insight she gets when I write.
I also am allowed to text her if I feel like I need to know she’s there. I’ve never done that. I have done it through email maybe three times.
What does help is sitting with that need and asking myself what kind of response would help and why, and if it would change things or not.
Part of my issue is attachment as I assume yours is too. That can be difficult to navigate. The extra contact, for me, has helped me get a lot more “stuff” out and helped me trust her more in the room which is the goal.
So if your T is periodically discussing why you need this and why it’s ok and holding boundaries, I think it can be a good thing.
 
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