In browsing the forum, I don't really see a story like mine but I am hoping being here helps.
My trauma was being pulled into a conference room in the hospital where my husband was having a routine procedure and being told he crashed. By the time they pulled me in, they had been doing CPR for 15 minutes. I asked them not to give up on him and they didn't but at 33 minutes they asked me if I wanted to say good bye to him. Walking down the hall I got 5 feet from where they were still working on him and they stopped me, they had a pulse.
My husband spent the next 6 months in the ICU in critical condition. First we were told he wouldn't live through the night so we called the whole family in including our 4 children. Yet he fought on. He was transferred to another hospital where he survived 6 more events of being near death including two open heart surgeries, kidney failure, liver failure. pneumonia, sepsis and C02 poisoning.. still, we fought for him and he fought just as hard, making his desire to live known each time he was awake enough to write on a clipboard or gesture with his hands.
He survived it all and now awaits a heart transplant and intermittent hospital stays for bleeding issues.
But despite everything, and hanging tough through everything, there are two things that trigger a response that's very disturbing to me. The sound someone makes when they are told their loved one is dying or dead. That guttural wail where you know they are fighting to not collapse.. because that was me, in that little room. That noise came out of my mouth.
I have heard that noise come from people two other times(one of those times tonight), both times it was not me, but it was my voice I heard and my body went right into that moment, I burst into tears, shake everywhere in my body, feel my legs going weak, and sheer terror and over whelming sadness.
The other trigger is hearing a code called. I heard my husbands code called and I knew instantly it was him but no one would confirm it until they came to get me.
I find now, it is very difficult to walk back into that hospital and I have to. My husband is currently there for a bleeding issue and I feel sick as soon as I get close to there. When I am there Im in heightened mode.. scared of that code or that wail the entire time.
Its a relief just to post this, I really have no one I can say it to
My trauma was being pulled into a conference room in the hospital where my husband was having a routine procedure and being told he crashed. By the time they pulled me in, they had been doing CPR for 15 minutes. I asked them not to give up on him and they didn't but at 33 minutes they asked me if I wanted to say good bye to him. Walking down the hall I got 5 feet from where they were still working on him and they stopped me, they had a pulse.
My husband spent the next 6 months in the ICU in critical condition. First we were told he wouldn't live through the night so we called the whole family in including our 4 children. Yet he fought on. He was transferred to another hospital where he survived 6 more events of being near death including two open heart surgeries, kidney failure, liver failure. pneumonia, sepsis and C02 poisoning.. still, we fought for him and he fought just as hard, making his desire to live known each time he was awake enough to write on a clipboard or gesture with his hands.
He survived it all and now awaits a heart transplant and intermittent hospital stays for bleeding issues.
But despite everything, and hanging tough through everything, there are two things that trigger a response that's very disturbing to me. The sound someone makes when they are told their loved one is dying or dead. That guttural wail where you know they are fighting to not collapse.. because that was me, in that little room. That noise came out of my mouth.
I have heard that noise come from people two other times(one of those times tonight), both times it was not me, but it was my voice I heard and my body went right into that moment, I burst into tears, shake everywhere in my body, feel my legs going weak, and sheer terror and over whelming sadness.
The other trigger is hearing a code called. I heard my husbands code called and I knew instantly it was him but no one would confirm it until they came to get me.
I find now, it is very difficult to walk back into that hospital and I have to. My husband is currently there for a bleeding issue and I feel sick as soon as I get close to there. When I am there Im in heightened mode.. scared of that code or that wail the entire time.
Its a relief just to post this, I really have no one I can say it to
