Am I Being Selfish?

[Butter-Bee]

Hi,

I recently spilled my heart out to a work colleague and have been messaging them outside of work hours because I am unable to discuss matters face-to-face with people. She has been amazing but I feel like I am now just burdening her. I have so much I need to say, that I want to tell her and no one else but I feel like I'm turning into her stalker and I don't want her to feel the same. Its taken me a long time to feel I can trust someone and I don't want to ruin it but I feel I have so much to say it could, or has, overwhelmed her.

What should I do? I am a bit of a nightmare and drink in the evenings which sometimes means I'm not a very nice person to talk to especially if I think she is ignoring me. I really don't want to make her uncomfortable but I want to talk to her.

I'm not really sure if this even makes sense I just want to know if it's just me that behaves this way or whether it is ok for me to want to talk to the one person in the world I feel I could trust with my life.

Thanks

B-Bee x

 

[Eleanor]

B-Bee - I don't think you are being selfish at all - why shouldn't you want someone to talk to? And you are concerned about your impact on her. You don't need to be in the dark about her reaction - you could ask her how she is feeling, and what she thinks is ok. That's a nice (if somewhat unusual! thing to do. After she gets over the shock of being treated with that kind of respect she'll likely appreciate it:)) Perhaps you could ask her if it is too much? Or set yourself a limit? It kind of sounds like you are trying to use her as a therapist? Do you have a T? As an alternative to talking to her (I know it is not the same ) maybe writing here, starting a trauma diary would be a good way to get it all out and be heard in a safe place.

In my experience, its never good to go on a big emotional "purge" with someone else while drinking.:unsure:

 

[Butter-Bee]

Thank you Eleanor. I needed to hear that.

I try hard not to make her uncomfortable but it must not be very easy to have someone pouring their heart out to you constantly.

I will make sure it's ok to continue and ask that she makes sure its said if I get to O.T.T

B-Bee x

 

[maddog]

The issue of how much is too much in terms of leaning on our supporters is a very interesting one, and I'm sure it's something we all struggle with at times, particularly when the whole issue of friendships and interpersonal relationships can feel so fragile and conflicting anyway.

As with so many things, I believe that self awareness and communication are the keys to better management. It sounds as though you already have the first one under control, and as Eleanor suggested, careful yet open discussion of the situation with your friend is probably the best way to easing your anxiety and clarifying the comfortable boundaries of the relationship for both of you. As friends, it's ok that you can lean on her, and it's ok that she can say when she needs some space, and vice versa.

I also think that when a relationship includes a lot of intense emotional sharing from one or both parties, it's very important and healthy to try to break that up with times in which you discuss other things, engage in enjoyable unrelated activities and generally ensure that your relationship exists on more than just the emotional sharing. Balance in any relationship is a good thing, and if you're both careful to ensure that it is reciprocal and also that it is the healthy safe pleasant interaction that friendships should be, then you will likely have a sustainable friendship forming.

I actually had this very conversation with my T 2 days ago and was not nearly as calm or rational as I may sound here, so believe me when I say that I know how distressing and anxiety-provoking it can be to not know if you're actually nurturing or destroying a friendship that means a lot to you.

You sound like a sensitive and compassionate friend with a good opportunity to commence a validating reciprocal relationship. Good luck with it!

Maddog

 

[Butter-Bee]

Thank you Maddog.

I think it's going to be a learning curve to try make sure I do get the right balance and hopefully I won't make things awkward. It may seem silly but it has taken me years to fully trust someone and now that I do I am scared that I may mess it up.

Only question I do have about what you said is I dont know what reciprocal means. Embarrasing but could you please tell me?

Thanks again

B-Bee

 

[mamachick]

Reciprocal means that it is not one sided, give and take, taking turns. It would allow the other person to share and open up to you as well. I think what maddog is pointing out is that you are seeking a trusting friendship and want to avoid one person being dependent on the other. In a reciprocal relationship, things are pretty equal.

I am glad to hear that you have found someone who is safe for you to open up with and have trust for. I also agree with maddog about there being other aspects of the relationship, fun things that you enjoy together, light hearted things that are outside of personal issues. I think that is really important to keep balance in the friendship and in life.

 

[Butter-Bee]

Thank you. Sorry I know it was silly of me to have to get it explained but I didn't understand the word.
They have also told me some private stuff so hopefully it will be a two-way thing.
Thank you everyone for being so helpful whilst I have my little moments.

B-Bee x

 

[Eleanor]

OMG B-Bee - could I please CLONE you? A person who actually has the chutzpa to ASK when they don't understand a word. :tup::tup::tup: Keep setting that example, if you would!