General An Emotionless Husband

[ShanaK]

My husband of 17 years is diagnosed with PTSD from his service. In the last 6 months he has become completely emotionally detached from me. We went from best friends and lovers to NOTHING. I need to hear from some supporters on how to get through this. I am developing a lot of secondary symptoms and a lot of depression. It is killing me that he cannot act like my husband. We don't spend time together, talk much or laugh together. We don't do anything as a family with our 3 boys anymore. I am calling today to make an appt. for my boys and I to see a therapist. My husband gets therapy thru the VA and is on Welbutrin. But it is a very dark place to think from now on we are in an emotionless completely detached marriage.

 

[Enaila]

Maybe he needs his medicines checked. My doctor tried me on Welbrutrin and it was the worst thing ever. It caused my depression to get majorly worse and me to have suicidal durations.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Emotional numbing is a symptom of PTSD. Plain and simple... It sucks for everybody involved. It's important to realize it's not anything you did. It's the PTSD. I know it doesn't seem like much, but coming to peace with that is an important first step for supporters.

 

[Capu11]

My husband of 17 years is diagnosed with PTSD from his service. In the last 6 months he has become compl...

I so understand you,my husband has ptsd and im living a very lonely life.There are no hugs,no kisses,no love.I keep reading threads of how to be patient and know these are the fallout of ptsd.My biggest issue is that he is the life of the party with others,in particular other women,whilst in hospital _he's done long stretches in there_he tells me of the women he talks to,how interesting they are etc I start feeling very flat and insecure as all I get are one word answers and fobbed off when trying to talk about something important to me.

Why is it that I have been to hell and back with his illness,listened intently to his painful traumas,comforted him yet im made to feel like im just worthless.
To add to all this im told its because they have interesting conversation,they are funny.All I receive from him are put downs,im feeling so sick inside,I've lost all confidence in myself,wake up feeling sick and knotted up inside and very disheartead.

I love him and keep thinking of ways to make our lives better but I feel so crushed at his dismissal of me and now question if there is any point in trying as now im so sick mentally and yearn for the comfort and friendship of a person who is my husband.

 

[IvyMillie]

I can totally relate to how you are feeling. It's very strange how with us they can be so detached and emotionless, but with others they can be the life of the party. I think as it has been said it's important not to take it personally.

What has helped me is to have my own interests, good friends, and to support myself emotionally. I've tried to think of how this has made me a stronger person.

It's harder when we expect certain things from us and they can't be there for us. So I had to lower my expectations. Maybe it's kind of weird but I just at some point realized it's like I'm a single/married person.

 

[ShanaK]

My husband feels badly for being emotionally detached but he is detached enough that he doesn't feel the need to really do anything about it. He just apologizes and that's it. He isn't anymore emotionally engaged with anyone else than he is with me and sometimes he does try to make conversation and show interest. But at the same time, I almost feel like he would be happy if I met someone else and wanted a divorce. Then he would be free of the obligation he feels. This is a complete 180 from how we have always been and I am sad everyday and tho I try to invest in my own interest and hobbies it doesn't feel the void that is left.

 

[anthony]

In the last 6 months he has become completely emotionally detached from me.

Whilst this is normal for PTSD, especially new and not knowing what is happening, there are methods around it. Early action is much better than after the fact, so well done.

His problems are his problems, have no doubt about that. There is nothing you can do to fix him, all you can do is adapt and make some changes to remove the present issues whilst he is going through treatment. Treatment alone will takes years, so you either adapt or separate.

You can't undo this, but you can implement strategies to change how he connects with you. What is he interested in? What does he like to do? Talk to him and ask him what things he would like to go and do together, and have a list ready if he has nothing on his mind. Start with things you know he likes, and you're willing to give a try and get involved.

Emotions come back in time and with hard self work, so until then, you're basically having to appeal to his fun and adventurous side that gives him please. This will likely also pertain to the bedroom... talk about role playing or whatever you feel comfortable with, in order to get connection from him again.

Connecting at these levels is probably the most he will be capable of until he works through his trauma, and even then, it takes time. Depending on the severity, think decade minimum.

There are some really good books available to help you, and help not just you, but also him... its a subtle form of acceptable manipulation basically, by you learning how to communicate better with him, based around what works and what doesn't work for you both, you can improve things immensely just from your interaction with him, and as a consequence, he will actually also improve when methods are done right.

Based on your specifics... I would recommend you read first: Dead Link Removed which is like a supporter workbook. It contains the important info, but is focused on extracting the specific issues from you and you writing them down. You work through the book doing this, building your list and involving your partner at opportune times, progressively enhancing your communication process and fixing some of the basic problems and barriers you need to get through to repair your relationship.

Once you get through that, a good book that both of you can use is: Dead Link Removed

 

[The Woman]

Oh ladies I hear you loud and clear, having had a bout of breast cancer, numerous operations that have ravaged my body, I so needed the reassurance that I am still beautiful and desired by the man I love. Yet he rebuffs my sexual advances, to make matters worse I found out during my diagnosis that he was flirting with women on chat room, some real skanks too....
Having read lots on PTSD symptoms it seems they can have a sexual addiction, just as easily as drinking and drugs.....
"And, like a drug addiction, the more that a person uses this method as a means of coping, the more his or her body will crave it in order to numb the negative emotions that he or she is experiencing"
But it hurts doesn't it, I try to keep our affection alive, I kiss him on the cheek, I embrace him and cuddle, I don't press him to talk about his fears I will leave that to the experts........I love him, I'm committed to him, I fill my days up with what I enjoy doing, Zumba, fitsteps, yoga, cooking, I find fun in my friends but I am there 100% for my other half.
I so hope this counselling works as I want my best friend back.......incidentally despite his psychological trauma, he cared for me so dedicatedly whilst I was going through my cancer treatments..........