An Hours Not Enough

[KwanYingirl]

I think I'll get to therapy today, give him his money and turn around and leave. I'm getting nowhere . It takes twenty minutes to settle in talk for a few more then try to calm down before I leave. I feel like the rat pushing the button for a piece of cheese. Bleecchh so long in therapy and so far to go. I am feeling defeated.

 

[Chava]

I'm feeling all of that too. Can you tell your therapist? I like the rat and cheese image, but sorry it feels that way. I'm sick of all of this, too, but I don't feel like I have other options. Thanks for hearing me through a bit of a storm yesterday. I'm bringing my a$s to my therapy appointment and in some ways I feel like I am starting over, but hopefully on a different plane. Feeling defeated allows us to do that. It feels TERRIBLE. But it's also close to "surrender" or allowing for a slight tweaking of the path if needed or opening of a new space. Like the difficulty of giving up booze. Not sure if this is helpful, but hopefully you can feel defeated and look into what those feelings can allow versus allow them to make you feel too hopeless (that's the worst). I have hope for you for today, even if you take 20 minutes to settle in your appointment (I'm guessing it will take me the whole chunk just to "arrive" in part but I am recommitting to showing up for today).

 

[littlelostchild]

I know exactly what you're saying! I'm avoiding my emotions, so what's the point? I lost count of the number of ridiculous Monty Python references we made yesterday - I'm not even sure why. And I have to drive almost 3 hours each way. No cheese for me.

 

[Chava]

p.s. I never feel like an hour is enough either...and sometimes finding a comfortable way to end is so hard and I feel like I drag on too much of my unresolved stuff.

 

[Leah123]

Would it be possible to get a 90 minute session or go twice per week? It really helped me. If not, can you do a lot of prewriting? One of the things I did was write everything out for my therapist to read at the beginning of session: it got her caught up quickly and let me be more ready to actually start processing and talking from the start. Sometimes I also listen to a relaxing audiotape for PTSD to help me calm first too, or evocative music to help me open up. I found feeling safe is also really important, I wrap up if I need to, maybe do a grounding or anti-anxiety exercise, very very helpful sometimes. Having a routine is also important to me- for example, I've found it easier (not easy, but easier) to wrap up a session if we pull an Angel Card first. It's a small silver deck of cards, size of fortunes in fortune cookies, full of words whose energy I can draw on and try to focus on like "support" "healing" "expansiveness" and having that little positive to leave with helps me go forward.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I have 90 minutes sessions twice a week. I am also schedule last (or with big gaps) so that if I need extra time to get grounded or back to "me" we have that ability. I know that isn't always possible with therapists and with insurance, but I feel very fortunate to have that. It still doesn't seem like enough sometimes though.

 

[ghotiff]

I agree. At 50min in I feel like we are just starting. So frustrating.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Leah I will try your suggestion of angel cards. I saw that he has them next to his chair and I will ask for longer sessions. I usually take 2-3 days to recover sometimes, that just makes me not want to go. I do feel that I can discuss this with him but then there goes the 45 minutes.

I'm sorry we all struggle with the treatment part of PTSD. I wish I could just take a pill twice a day and fix my brain. I'm in kind of a bad mood with my clients this morning- hate when that happens. They didn't do anything to deserve me being moody.

Sometimes I wish I was so rich I could go to a fancy psych hospital and get intensive treatment. I think the reality, though, is that doesn't equate with success. Working a program does. Thanks all for the validation.

 

[FindingMyself88]

I feel your pain.. This afternoon we are suppose to start my second round of EMDR. It has already been post-poned for two weeks due to needing to talk about some things that have come up and not being ready. Just when I think I am ready, I get a phone call last night about the exact abuser that we were going to be targeting (well targeting the abuse, not him) today. Now I don't know what to think and my mind is everywhere. If I bring up the phone call, we won't have time for emdr.

I also feel like we normally spend at least half the session working on coping skills and such..

 

[KwanYingirl]

I like my therapist. I bring group ideas to him and he loves them all. He is glad that I am practicing writing. I have failed at every workbook that I've tried-Courage to Heal, DBT Workbook and PTSD workbook. I get triggered and just give up. He likes that the group helps me feel less isolated. Part of my story is that I was poisoned by chemicals at work and lost my career due to the effects of it. Not only did I lose my vocation all the people I worked with have shunned me and I don't have coworkers anymore. It's just me and my machine as James Taylor sings of. We will go week to week with adding extra visits as needed. I'm looking forward to practicing imagery and having a safe place wherever I am. My hope is to dissociate less.

 

[KwanYingirl]

@littlelostchild Do you live in the middle of nowhere? You are incredible to drive so far for therapy. I've been halfassed in therapy for years but that all changed when I started with this trauma specialist and instead of asking me when I want to come in again, he says "I'll see you next week or sooner if you need to, and email me". He's hip to my avoidant style.

 

[anthony]

Yep, I really do wonder why they keep it this way. IMO, 90 minutes to two hours would be ideal for trauma therapy sessions. Sure, counselling type stuff, an hour is heaps... trauma... not even close. Like you said, you just start getting to something that needs action, then bam, times up. You just get nowhere... because the week then throws new things at you and you don't pickup were you left off, instead you pickup elsewhere, repeating the nasty cycle.