Relationship Anger And Ptsd

[Sephira]

Hello everyone! I'm completely new, so I apologize if I'm posting in the wrong place. My boyfriend of three years has PTSD. When I met him, he was an editor of a publishing house in London but because of financial problems became a private contractor in a Private Military Corporation. He must see awful things, his last mission was in Nigeria and he comes home so worn out and tired.

Every time he returns, he "turns off." We are fine before he leaves, he is sweet and attentive but when he comes back he pushes me away. I have problems I guess because our relationship is long distance at the moment-he's in the Middle East and I'm in New York. He has leave in six months but that seems so far away.

He has made all of these friends there, and spends a great deal of time with them, but limits his skype/phone time with me(during his "good" periods, we spend a great deal of time talking and playing video games together online). It makes me feel like an obligation sometimes when he's so reluctant to talk to me but so willing to be with them.

We had a fight two days ago, over something silly. I was mad because he refused to share with me his new twitter account name. Kind of silly, I didn't care about the account but was upset because he was reluctant to share such simple information. He flew off the handle, called me names and has basically stayed away since then, we just talked for about 10 minutes each day. He says I pushed when he was under a lot of stress, and he is very upset with me.

In a non PTSD relationship, this would have taken no time at all to solve. I would have apologized and it would have been done. It seems that when he gets angry, it takes *forever* to get over it, and anything-big or small can trigger it. It's so stressful when we talk for brief periods now, because he is short and I can hear the anger in his voice.

His PTSD is so bad, he doesn't talk to me about work anymore, so I don't know when he has more stressful weeks than others. If I knew, or if he would tell me, I would go easy. He says I should know every day is stressful, that he doesn't want to talk about work.

Is this normal PTSD behavior? How do I give him the comfort and solace he needs? He was so sweet, and so wonderful before he joined the PMC, and stood by me during the hardest time in my life. I want to stand by him too, but I know I'm not giving him the solace he needs. I just want to ease his burden and make him happy, but I'm failing at it. Hopefully, I'll get some good advice! Thanks for reading everyone and have a good day!

 

[Loveneverfails]

Hi Sephira,

I don't have any true advice and I'm sorry for that. So I'll just wait for someone wiser than I to chime in. But in the mean time I wanted to let you know you have support in this. So many times the loved ones of sufferers suffer just as much and often get neglected in favor of the one with the 'true' issue. Your post shows just how painful it can be to love someone dealing with PTSD. I wanted to let you know too that these are typical avoidance behaviors. I also tend to avoid my loved ones when I'm hurting and isolate. I don't know his reasons but mine are that I don't want the people who truly know me to see how much I'm hurting. I don't mind hanging out with casual friends because they don't really notice if I'm faking a smile. But family and friends who know me longest can tell and that just makes it more difficult than I can handle. Hope that helps you understand on some level. I am sorry you're both going through this but I am glad he has someone like you, willing to learn and adjust even when things are so far from perfect.

As hard as it must be, try to remember that his reactions aren't always aimed at you- even if you're the one he's yelling at. There's a lot of frustration in there cooking up until it spills out, you were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. It isn't always your fault so make sure you don't take that burden on.

((((LOTS of hugs))))


Sometimes loving someone is all you can do.

-LNF

 

[Belle]

Every time he returns, he "turns off." We are fine before he leaves, he is sweet and attentive but when he comes back he pushes me away.
He has made all of these friends there, and spends a great deal of time with them

Does he "turn off" because he has been away and it takes time for him to get comfortable with that trusting/bonding thing you have in a relationship. I know when I didn't see my bf for some weeks it was the opposite to 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' for me as I felt their was a wall/barrier of time between us.

He says I pushed when he was under a lot of stress, and he is very upset with me.

.....mmm that sounds like a typical PTSD rant kind of thing. I have accused family and friends of pushing me and felt upset with them.

He says I should know every day is stressful, that he doesn't want to talk about work.

Well every day is stressful if you have PTSD, if work is stressful then talking about work will be a point of friction. Maybe just not talk about it......I cut people off and say I am not talking about work! And I think if you have PTSD you don't get why ppl don't get it, don't understand why ppl can't know what you are going through! They don't get it even when you explain ((((Sephira)))) it's hard I know, we cut out the people we care about most.

I just want to ease his burden and make him happy

Oh I know you do, because you love him :) but I personally get angry if I know ppl want to ease my burden and make me happy because I feel smothered and then I push people away and get even more angry. I don't want people to try and 'fix it' even though I know that is the caring reaction. I know they can't fix what is in my head.

(((((hugs))))) and hope this is a little bit helpful from the view of someone with PTSD who struggles with anger and irritation towards those who love me most.

 

[myvetswife]

"He has made all of these friends there, and spends a great deal of time with them"

I noticed, that my hubby talks more to friends and people in the army or veterans about his military time than with me. He explained it, that this people know what he was going through, they saw it.

He used to push me away on bad days, thats normal for him. But he was/is in treatment and we do try to talk and he tells me when he wants his peace.

 

[simplekindofgirl]

Sephira- I am so sorry you are going through this. I have been a supporter, and now I am a sufferer. I know what it is like to be both, therefore I understand what it is like from both sides.

Something that I must note about being a sufferer, we do have a tendency to be able to associate better to people who do not know how we are damaged. That is to say, they do not have any direct interaction with our PTSD behaviors. From the supporter side, I can also say, I observed this behavior- him choosing to associate with people outside of me- because it often feels safer for the sufferer to be surrounded by people who are either not aware of their suffering, or have witnessed their suffering and share in it.

That all being said, in a long term relationship, there must be boundaries, that both persons can live with in order to maintain a healthy, happy relationship. You must clearly define what the terms of your engagement are. And he should as well. And if you or him can not live within those expectations, then it will eventually fail all on its own. If you have a problem with him having a "secret" twitter account (as an example) then there is no reason why you can not tell him that you will disregard the importance of his secret account just as long as you have the right to have one as well. Chances are, when the shoe is on the other foot, he will clue you in. Often it requires little discussion. A lead by example case that is reversed on a person doing the leading is usually enough to resolve the issue before it becomes an issue. This is usually true of all relationships, not just those with PTSD in the way.

Anger- that is a word I am forced to use a lot! I am angry. And I have found that I am usually most intolerant with my significant other. But we have a rule when I get that way, and I start to push away or act and speak out of anger- if we are face to face he raises his hand and we do not speak until I am able to use words instead of emotions to speak- if we are on the phone he starts to count, from one to ten and when he reaches ten then I have to wait to speak until I can use the words and not the emotions. Because I realized that if I am/was always going to push him away, that someday he may need to get away from me in order to take care of himself. But in part my realization came because I can recollect those moments in which I was a supporter and could no longer take care of myself and decided to choose to save myself and my children rather than my marriage.

Is your boyfriend in therapy? Are you in therapy?

 

[Sephira]

He isn't in therapy. He knows he has a problem, but there really isn't any therapists who specialize in PTSD in Bahrain. Not to mention, he is a bit resistant to it. He thinks most of our relationship issues stem from me and my inability to give him the space and solace he needs. He used to love to be around me, used to love talking to me and spending time. Now, it's the complete opposite and it's hard to understand the change. When he's angry, he often threatens to leave then I spend an exhausting evening getting him to stay. He knows me so well, and knows what buttons to press to upset me. And when he gets angry, he doesn't care. Then afterwards, he feels bad. Even then though, he still remains angry because he thinks I'm the main problem.

I see the good in him, I know him. I know he is a great person deep down. He has no family he speaks to, I'm really his only family to speak of. Walking away isn't an option. Therapy for me might be a good idea if I could afford it.

 

[simplekindofgirl]

I see the good in him, I know him. I know he is a great person deep down. He has no family he speaks to, I'm really his only family to speak of. Walking away isn't an option.

This was exactly how I felt about my husband half way into my/our ten year marriage.

He isn't in therapy. He knows he has a problem, but there really isn't any therapists who specialize in PTSD in Bahrain. Not to mention, he is a bit resistant to it. He thinks most of our relationship issues stem from me and my inability to give him the space and solace he needs.

My husband was in a similar position to your boyfriend. After ten years of marriage, I filed for divorce.

Nicolette posted something up once that hits the nail on the head for me every time I think of what I did wrong, or of what went wrong in my marriage. I think she said, "you will always get what you have always gotten, if you always do what you have always done." If something doesn't change (getting therapy for example) then it will always be like this. I would suggest trying to find something for therapy through community resources. Often there are mental health services at no and low costs (sliding scale fees) that make it affordable. Maybe when your boyfriend is state side, he might be willing to seek therapy at that time.

On the home page Anthony has some wonderful information posted about PTSD- take the time to read through it and learn as much as you can. You will find that being on this forum, you will undoubtedly have a tremendous amount of support.

Take care of yourself. You are going to need it.

 

[iluvdesserts]

Sephira,
I read your posts and feel like we're dating the same man. Know we're not, but when mine gets angry at me, it's the same, soooo long to get over it. Like I stole something from him or really did something bad. All I want to do is please him too.