Annoyed!

[Poppycocteau]

I have this friend who also has Autism, whom I met through the Autism Rescource Centre in my area. He has problems with depression and addiction, and I try to help as much as I can . . . but lately he has (I feel) been quite selfish and it's starting to really get on my nerves.

He was saying a few months ago that he should spend more time talking to people and socialising because this will help him cope with his problems better and feel less bored and depressed. Knowing this, if he wants to talk to me on MSN or go for a walk or something, I always put whatever I'm doing aside to be there for him and help as much as possible. Recently, though, he has organised to go for a walk with me a few times, then texted at the last minute because he can't be bothered. His last text message of this sort said (and I quote) "I am feeling quite grumpy and want to lie in all day. Can we reorganise it for another time?" This at 5am. The message woke me up. I mean, alright, so he is depressed and finds it hard to get motivated . . . but really? I'm depressed too, but I like to think I don't mess people about like this. The reason I find this sort of thing annoying is because having Autism means that I don't cope well with changes to my routine and plans being messed about. I have to change my routine when I put my usual activities aside to go somewhere with him/ talk to him . . . and then this plan is squished when he decides he can't be bothered! It leaves me feeling very stressed and on edge.

On top of this, yesterday he texted while I was having lunch to ask if I would come on MSN and talk to him. I organised to do so a couple of hours later, and that went okay for a while, and then he abruptly ended the conversation by ignoring the last message I had written and saying "I have to go now before the shops shut. Bye." I wrote "Erm . . . okay. Bye, then." He replied "Sorry if this was abrupt. Bye for now" . . . and then deliberately signed out before I could ask him whether or not I'd said something to upset him! I think this is really rude, and it made me feel sort of used and discarded. The worst of all of this is that as a direct result of trying to make time to talk to him I was late making the dinner (which I like to make in advance to make the evening less rushed), was late meeting someone at the grocery shop and had to run to get there, ended up very flustered and stressed, consequently coped with some PTSD triggers later in the day badly and the whole thing culminated in an argument with my flatmate, a panic attack and an overall horrible night.

I know he may not realise that I make an effort to help him . . . but at the moment I'm feeling like I should just be more selfish and tell him I don't have time to meet with/talk to him - and that would be the truth. I don't have a job, but I am usually busy with housework, shopping, cooking, drawing etc. So at any given time, I will have other plans, but I'd feel bad telling him that knowing that he is lonely and struggling with various addictions.I don't feel that I'm left with much choice, though, if he's going to treat me like this.

:(!

 

[MurphyJB]

When you say " i have a friend who also has Autism" what do you mean?

You're friend genuinely might not know he is being rude. People with Autism don't pick up on social cues amd usually need to be told when something they're doing isn't okay.

 

[Poppycocteau]

I mean that I have Autism as well as him. I guess you're right - I will probably have to tell him that it annoys me.

 

[MurphyJB]

Ohh okay. I thought you may of meant he has PTSD and Autism.

It's worth a try. If you tell him it annoys you and he still continues to do it, them perhaps it is time to walk away.

 

[Reclusive]

You don't have to be confrontational about it, either. Just say 'hey, when you do x, it really puts me out, so maybe you could do y instead.'

 

[OKRADLAK]

I dated a guy with Asperger's. He often had no idea that his behavior was not like other peoples. He wanted to be polite but it was forced. In his nature state, he lived in a dark room, no stimulation.

When he was forced to go out, it was HOURS of prep time. I never saw anything like it. Coffee, ruminating, anxiety, worry....he was wrapped up in himself.

He would never return phone calls. Never write. Never offer a thing. I never even got a card for Christmas. Yet when people did the same to him, he would be terribly miffed. He was mad a a friend who never called him, and yet the friend had left 3 mesages that he did not think worthy of returning!!

So, it is not that they are all flippant. It is that, from what I saw, they are in a place in their head and anyone else in their makes them very anxious. It is sad.

I am still friends with my old bf, by the way. And it's just emails once a month or so.

 

[Poppycocteau]

Aah, that's interesting. Again, I am Autistic too, but I actually do call people (when I'm not too stressed) and try to make an effort with them. But then, all people with Autism are different, just like all people without Autism are different. One of my big things is that I get obsessed about my possessions getting damaged and spend ages checking them all and sort of 'nursing' them. I too like quiet . . . but I know someone else with Autism who loves to go clubbing! Sensory issues aren't part of the diagnosis with Autism, though - it's mostly based on the social impairments.

Reclusive - yes, I probably will have to do that. And when he wants to talk on MSN, I'm just going to say I can't unless I actually have time . . . because I've decided it's not worth the inconvenience and stress.

 

[OKRADLAK]

Yes, I know others who have Autism issues who are VERY sensitive to others and very kind. It depends on what the Autism did. For him, he was small and obsessed with sex. Because he was socially out of it and never fully developed, he never had any. And he never got over it. He read boooks and books on sex and had in his head a template of what a man should be, how sexual, how many partners, all based on stats. Well, I found it so shallow and stupid. Lots of people have no sex and they are fine. Shhheeesh.

But to him, it defined him. So he started to hate everyone, especially good looking men. He was obsessed with looks and how good looking people"get laid".

Now this guy was no dummy.......he is actually a cardiologist!! He does not in any way show these thoughts at work and takes his work very seriously but it is hard for him to really progress into better positions because of all this.

So he is not where he could be, but he certainly has done amazingly well when it comes to work. It is almost like his"obsession" or "stim" even though he is in a very low position working for others as opposed to really practicing his trade.

 

[Poppycocteau]

Oh, you should go and look at Wrong Planet - there are reams and reams of threads that just consist of lonely Autistic men complaining that they get no sex . . . or even any relationships. The bitter attitude you describe is familiar too: reading some of the conversations from Wrong Planet members, you'd think that everyone else is in a constant orgy to which they are not invited. Of course, it must be quite easy to develop a warped view of something that you feel deprived of or not included in. How does this stop him from progressing to better positions at work, though? - do you mean that he thinks about it too much and doesn't concentrate on work as much as he could?

It must be really great to find a job that is like a 'special interest' or obsession. I can't think what mine would be . . .