Strangelongtrip
Platinum Member
I've been having ever-increasing anxiety this month, along with a bad depressive episode. I've mainly figured out the depressive episode, but the negative thoughts are still spiraling. Then it hit me, on top of everything else, I'm approaching the anniversary dates of the first time I was raped/and it continued through months until around October. Every time I've been bringing the anniversary dates up with my therapist, he says "but they don't need to affect you like that anymore." I'm getting really, really frustrated with him. He's been great somewhat, but he's terrible about chronic illness and chronic pain and somehow thinks I'll be cured from C-PTSD in a year and a half with him, or at least he says "in the future you could not have these diagnoses". He thinks my weird flushing reactions from eating certain foods were some sort of mental reaction to something like???? WHAT?? Anaphylaxis isn't saying something about my brain lol.
And I get that I can help my chronic pain by my mind but I have a LITERAL injury, I didn't create a labrum tear and sports hernia in my head when I was 15 as some metaphysical response to being raped at 18 and sexually assaulted at 8, like yes, I time travelled to create these issues for myself. I've been tempering my bitterness but I really need to let it out. I feel like I'm constantly disappointing him when I actually have an issue with my mental health so the past two months I've barely spoken about anything that's bothering me. I've definitely improved some aspects of more personality disorder traits, but I've had traumas starting as a child. I started having panic attacks at 5 years old, and I don't remember anything before 5 years old.
I feel like from what he's told me I'm not a strong person or good enough at my healing or "mind control" or whatever other bs he's purporting because anniversary dates still affect me. He's not an abusive therapist; I've had an abusive therapist. She really messed with my head but he's never been like that, he just has some wack ideas, and I take small things he says and run with them as a concept of what he feels or thinks about me. I project a lot. I don't lash out at people like I used to a year ago and every pore in my body wants to scream at him and push him away so I can stop feeling like crap all the time for still having PTSD. It brings up a lot of stuff on how my family treats my PTSD but not my physical health. I'm probably trying to put that role on him so I can lash out and be angry at someone who abuses me instead of being silent and complicit but sh*t, I'm so sick of it. I calmly explained this to him over messages (which he hardly ever responds to...) and I have therapy Monday.
I've wanted to quit therapy or find someone else for a long time. I just feel like I can't because there's so much possibility of actually being abused or having a train wreck therapist again like my last one. I don't have a lot of options because I can't afford self pay and I have state insurance at this time. I'm also paying for all of my physical disabilities. I'm just getting so frustrated and needed to vent about him. I feel like I'm a bad person for disliking him at this point, too. Apparently in my head, you have to abuse someone for me to dislike someone, otherwise I'm a big meanie. Ugh lol.
And I get that I can help my chronic pain by my mind but I have a LITERAL injury, I didn't create a labrum tear and sports hernia in my head when I was 15 as some metaphysical response to being raped at 18 and sexually assaulted at 8, like yes, I time travelled to create these issues for myself. I've been tempering my bitterness but I really need to let it out. I feel like I'm constantly disappointing him when I actually have an issue with my mental health so the past two months I've barely spoken about anything that's bothering me. I've definitely improved some aspects of more personality disorder traits, but I've had traumas starting as a child. I started having panic attacks at 5 years old, and I don't remember anything before 5 years old.
I feel like from what he's told me I'm not a strong person or good enough at my healing or "mind control" or whatever other bs he's purporting because anniversary dates still affect me. He's not an abusive therapist; I've had an abusive therapist. She really messed with my head but he's never been like that, he just has some wack ideas, and I take small things he says and run with them as a concept of what he feels or thinks about me. I project a lot. I don't lash out at people like I used to a year ago and every pore in my body wants to scream at him and push him away so I can stop feeling like crap all the time for still having PTSD. It brings up a lot of stuff on how my family treats my PTSD but not my physical health. I'm probably trying to put that role on him so I can lash out and be angry at someone who abuses me instead of being silent and complicit but sh*t, I'm so sick of it. I calmly explained this to him over messages (which he hardly ever responds to...) and I have therapy Monday.
I've wanted to quit therapy or find someone else for a long time. I just feel like I can't because there's so much possibility of actually being abused or having a train wreck therapist again like my last one. I don't have a lot of options because I can't afford self pay and I have state insurance at this time. I'm also paying for all of my physical disabilities. I'm just getting so frustrated and needed to vent about him. I feel like I'm a bad person for disliking him at this point, too. Apparently in my head, you have to abuse someone for me to dislike someone, otherwise I'm a big meanie. Ugh lol.
