I was hospitalised for 2 weeks as a voluntary patient (though I was told if I did not go voluntarily, I would be involuntarily andmitted, and that would come out of my finances... of which I had zero).
I felt like cattle the whole time. I wanted to talk about the problems, but the pscychologist upped my doses (which were making me feel sick, and incapacitated - I had been incapacitated before... so I knew the state very well). I asked if they would promise me safety if I told all, and they said, "no".
So, I decided not to talk. When I went back to my town, which I feared (they had flown me from a country town to a city over 600km away), I could not stop crying for a long time, and had to get used to speaking again, as my voice became weak, and I became numb in there, and I felt violated (by them taking my blood all the time and reporting my chemical changes to me and staff), I also had massive migraines from comming off the medication (which was reccomended my a nurse), as I knew it was no good for me. I had the migraines, but no more incapacity (except in the form of pain). By incapacity I mean, unsteady walking, seeing the ground as close to me, feeling light and out of my body, thought I was dying... were they trying to kill me?
I don't know.
They threatened one woman with a needle if she did not give them her watch (gold watch). She was covered in bruises from their manhandling of her. I was constantly afraid, and in shock - I think. Because I couldn't believe what was before my eyes!
They were threatening to comitt me to a bigger institution (this was an "assessment ward" - felt more like interrogation and torture... they tilted my bed while I was sleeping so the blood would rush to my head etc.)
We were allowed out of the ward - to go for walkes, alone, or with others (I later found out we were being "supervised/stalked" by staff).
I tried to go to a Security officer to find out about my rights, and to get help (this was after going to the enquiries section of the hospital the day before and being taken back to the ward after he made a phone-call to the ward). The woman with the gold watch had slipped it into my bad when she knew I was going out, and I took it to the security guard.
I told her everything, and asked her to speak with the police for me. I told the police everything, and asked them to come back and check on me. They took me in. I was separated from everybody for two hours and told to "reflect on my actions" - meanwhile my dinner was getting cold.
With every meal came medication. I knew my dinner was cold because they came to give me medication and water, without food, and after my two hours I sat and had dinner with a "nurse" who asked questions.
They had the lights on in the rooms all night every night, told us not to speak to other patients, told us not to get close to other patients (even to hug eachother), security guards came in every night every half hour (I was afraid one of them would rape me, so I never slept, despite being on 3 different forms of tranquilisers 3 times a day, and feeling like death itself).
When I got home I was determined to move away from my town (as rhumour got around about me being in a psychiatric hospital - in fact it was a psychiatric ward in a hospital hospital, but nobody cared). I had been assaulted in that town, often left to defend for myself, and I just needed someone to say, "your safe, you can tell me everything and I will put you somewhere safe".
But no, instead: heavy ritual, heavy medication, heavy headaches, heavy body, heavy pain, heavy numbing, heavy loss of abilities...
heavy, heavy, heavy...
I'm surprised I made it through that!!
I hadn't considered killing myself for years before I ended up in there, but when I was in there, I thought "there will be no way to kill myself in the mental hospital, I will probably be raped and tortured" (no thanks to the things the nurses were telling me about tying me to a bed and sticking needles into me if I didn't "shut up" about wanting a shower one day (I had been in bed 3 days straight constandly being awoken and interrogated, then given waffer tablets to put me back to sleep when I was non-compliant (their terms)...
So, I figured it would be back with the waffer tablets (sheets of some drug) in the hospital.
Now I know that WAS a bad experience, but that doesn't mean a properly functioning psychiatric hospital won't be a good idea. I was afraid of going there because of my [then] current predicament and the bad, very bad treatment I was being given (they had justified it by diagnosing me as having BiPolar Mood Disorder).
I found that more traumatic than the events that lead me to be there, because I was constantly being threatened with loss of control of my own body, my own will, my own choices, even my ability to stand without falling was their decision.
They let us out into the city, even crossing roads... and I fell in the traffic a lot (I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M STILL ALIVE: WOOOOO HOOOOO!)
* I bet you won't post this. * It's a real experience, but I havn't mentioned names or institutions' names, so please do post it. *It's important for them to know these things happen, so they can make an informed choice. *I would not reccomend an assessment ward in a hospital not designed or adequately staffed for the number and type of patients they have. *But if they are suicidal anyway, perhaps they are better off being medicated and pulled out of consciousness... to relieve the distress...and then one day maybe they'll get better. *The other thing is, maybe an actual psychiatric hospital will do a better job than just an assessment ward, and have a better level of 'duty of care'.
