Anyone Else Wonder What Could Change?

[cookinggal]

I didn't know where to put this thread so I'm hoping this is right.


I find myself sitting up some nights wondering what I could have done to change everything. Had I not met him, had I not talked to him, had I not gotten on that bus, etc. More importantly I find myself asking myself had this not happened would my relationship with my parents be different.

I feel sometimes like my parents don't support me because they don't know how to feel, they don't know what to say. Other times I think its because they think this would never happen to their baby she would never get herself into this. Well part of that is true, I didn't want to get into this mess.

Does anyone else think about these things? Id like to know I'm not alone

 

[p-no]

I think about these things as well. You are not alone.

 

[cookinggal]

Maybe we could talk? I don't know anyone who has been able to come up with ways to think about it less. Im really hoping I can one day

 

[71nothing]

I think about it too. So many "what ifs..."

My therapist tells me I did what I had to do the survive the situation I was in at the time however there is still that part of me that says "but what if I had done _______ instead?"

I would think that some level of "what if" will always exist but it would be nice to move past it.

 

[cookinggal]

My parents and I used to me so close particularly me and my mom and when it happened my mom basically quit talking to me while for a few weeks my dad was supportive and helpful he eventually quit being any help at all. I quit seeing my therapist about june of last year, I felt like it was just a burden to them taking me to the appointments twice a month. I'll probably go back to see her when I start driving again but that wont be for a few more months

 

[p-no]

I don't know anyone who has been able to come up with ways to think about it less.

I don't think I can really suggest anything to think about it less. It's necessary to process the trauma. Other than that, what I do is not talk about it. I let those thoughts come and then I put them away, as I do with a book when I need to do other things.

What happened cannot be changed. So I try not to give those thoughts to much of my everyday life.

I can tell you though from getting past other trauma that you can get past those thoughts completely. Your post reminded me of my former marriage and my ex-husband. That is a trauma I have not yet dealt with. That is why I think these thoughts come up repeatedly. Sometimes, I guess, I would still give everything I have to go back in time and change my own life.

I am sorry you are suffering from these recurring thoughts. Do you have a therapist?

 

[p-no]

We seemed to just post more or less at the same time.

I think it's important to get some help and literally talk and talk and talk and then find ways good for you to act to make your life better.

I'm sorry your relationship with your parents have changed. Have you talked to them about how you have felt?

 

[cookinggal]

I can make an appointment with therapist whenever I want but I wouldnt have any way over there, My father isnt really supportive he thinks its been a year I should "move on already" well its not that easy not that simple

I talked to my mom about it to her its just silly talk. She works so shes only in my life in the evenings and sundays when Im not working.

 

[saffy]

I used to sit an ponder over what ifs.

It took so much of my thoughts up I decided that it was pointless torturing myself over what if I did this that or the other.

I realise that in the present moment it is immaterial. That is cannot be changed anyway and that I am dwelling too much on the what if I did this in the past rather that thinking about what can I do now in the present to help me with my future.

I am sorry to hear that it affected your relationship with your parents.

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[therapybankrupt]

The what if's fall in the same category as the could have, should have, would have's. Very unhealthy thinking cause we can not change the past only our thinking about how to deal with it. I know when I am using these words I am heading for trouble. I still struggle with it but am getting better at recognizing when I am using the destructive questioning in my life. I tell myself to get healthy I should try to use that energy in accomplishing something positive instead of tormenting myself.

This is not easy and I have yet come close to mastering it. I know one thing that when I work on it the symptoms lessen. I know you did not ask for a solution and wanted someone to talk to but I thought this might help if you are open to it.

TB

 

[intothelight]

I think all of us fall into the "what if" trap, especially when looking at the past with the knowledge of now. The thing is we have to be totally honest with ourselves, and because hindsight is 20/20, we really have to ask ourselves if anything would have been done differently with the knowledge and the circumstances we had at the time.

Most of the time the answer is no. If there is some different choice that could have been made and we didn't, then chalk it up to a learning experience and know that a different choice would be made in the present or the future. There is no rewind and that is the biggest problem with the past...that it is the past.

There are also tools like changing the direction of your thoughts to break the "what if" cycle. Change your location or your activity, by going for a walk, doing a word game, taking stock of your surroundings, etc. It is can be hard to do at first, but with practice it become easier to break negative thinking.

Deb

 

[therapybankrupt]

There are also tools like changing the direction of your thoughts to break the "what if" cycle

Thanks Deb for the tool advice!