Anyone Else's Symptoms Wrecking Xmas For Everyone?

[AS1975]

My darling wife told me today that my withdrawal, my anxiety and the rest (predominantly as a result of having so many shit XMAS's, and being accused of wrecking so many christmases in the past) was wrecking XMAS for everyone.

I mean let's get this straight, this time I'm not wrecking XMAS because I'm a drug addict, or a drunk, or acting in a blatantly anti-social manner, or struggling with recent grief, I own up to all of those and I bear that guilt. No. This time I'm accused of wrecking XMAS for because of the symptoms of my illness coupled with my anxiety regarding this time of year.

I then proceeded to go to the Dr, explain the situation (apparently having missed an appointment and refusing to go, I was apparently in denial) and be told that I sincerely have to build a wall to stop letting things like this get to me to this extent.

I then went shopping, which was a milestone - I've struggled with XMAS shopping crowds for ages (since I was wiped out in an accident on the way home one year on 23/12 with all the presents in the car). I had to purchase a secret santa present, which I did, then I decided to actually try and do something right and get my wife the present she actually wanted for her and the kids.

While I was there I decided, you know what, f*ck it, I've already apparently wrecked XMAS for everyone, including my sons first ever XMAS (f*cking low blow that was), I'm going to do something I want to do, whereupon I bought a sterling silver baby bracelet for the child and had his name engraved on it.

Now I'm in several layers of shit but am struggling to find any motivation to even bother trying to get out of it. I was accused of being as irresponsible and heartless as I ever was during my drug addict days, purely because of being anxious? WTF? Can I even begin to explain the level of anger I'm feeling, should I even bother? What sort of partner would accuse a sick person of wrecking XMAS because they are sick?

PS Write what you like, I'm probably going to be sleeping, today is more than I can deal with anymore.

 

[Innordinate]

Ditto.

You pretty much summed that up, I don't have to add anything.

:banghead:

 

[anni]

I had some awful, incredible Christmases with said addict/alcoholic, would have given a LOT to have had him come a tenth as far as you have. He never did, faded into obscurity and disease along with his surgical career, I hear died alone. I have no way of knowing the struggles you've had or what your marraige must have been through, Good Grief, on both sides. He simply would not see past the Jack and cocaine, I left, or rather had to, long story. It sounds like you went the course, MUCH, much congrats and respect, thank you- kind of for all of us whose stories went the other way.

Do not mean to minimize- have been there so maybe you won't be too angry with me for sticking my nose in. Truly am not minimizing anyway. Of course her anger and accusations are unreasonable, of course inevitable, I guess as is your present anger is inevitable, am sorry to read of both. You do know, of course, that hers have zero to do with what she's speaking of- it's old, old rage making an appearance when you most need validation for your herculean acheivements. ( Boy, keep thinking of my 'What if's' ). Doesn't sound like either one of you can be very balanced with all the old wounds, you know? Also sounds like you've been at this long anough to know professional help is needed to re-route the hurt/anger. Both sides. That'd be for after Christmas, meanwhile there's the kids.

Again, please, please do not feel I'm saying anything worthy of you being even more frustarted and angry. I'm just extremely impressed with what you've done and where you are. Also dislike pop-psychology but Doc Phil has a very good point with that thing he always brings up, where every situation needs a hero. At least for Christmas, and your children, you know? It would doubtless be hard, but being the one to deflect and maintain your calm/Peace as you can, at least outwardly would give the children the Christmas all children deserve, you know? If she can't, or is unwilling, well, someone can be thinking what is best to ensure the whitest measure of Peace is there for at least that day.

Do take care, and much congrats.

 

[catjudo]

Just wanted to say I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I've been feeling incredibly guilty because I feel like my symptoms are causing me to ruin Christmas for my daughter. Mostly my perspective...others (psychiatrist, therapist, friend) have tried to convince me that I'm being too hard on myself and that I'm not really ruining anything. I cannot imagine having to deal with what you're going through...someone telling you that you're ruining Christmas for others when you know you're doing the best you can.

May you get through the rest of the season as peacefully as possible.

 

[AS1975]

I had some awful, incredible Christmases with said addict/alcoholic, would have given a LOT to have had him come a tenth as far as you have. He never did, faded into obscurity and disease along with his surgical career, I hear died alone. I have no way of knowing the struggles you've had or what your marraige must have been through, Good Grief, on both sides.

That is the funny thing, my wife has never seen me in that state, although I have tried to explain to her how bad I was. The worst part is trying to look back and appreciate what I've done, where I've come from, what I've come through, then have all that belittled by petty nonsense. For the first time in god knows how long I want to get drunk/stoned and that is appalling to me personally.

My wife read this forum, then decided to act spitefully - I was quite willing for her to so do, but spite would be met with spite. I'm sick to death of giving in and going along to keep the peace.

 

[anni]

Hee ( not lauging at you, this is a 'whew ' ), spent some time worrying whether or not I should have posted anything. PTSD, the gift that keeps on giving, forget where I read that here. You finally work up the kehungas to say something then spend the rest of your natural life thinking about the 27, 000 reasons the other person would have preferred you did not. I'm REALLY sorry she's one of those- also had one in a long career of commiting serial marraige ( see thread on ' How many times have you been married'.... ahem. ) The reward being giving UP, in the finest, passive-aggressive way, 'Gee-Thanks a LOT God, I'll go rot now', and bumping into someone so nice you wouldn't believe it if I tried to describe the man. Gawd has a bizarre sense of humor.

Bet you must be sick of it in that case, using the forum as a weapon, kinda creepy. The husband I managed to scoop up in my semi-healed state seemed to take notes on alllll the progress I'd told him about PRE-marraige, the fragile state, the ton-load of brokenness I was genuinely working on and proceeded to point them out pretty much over breakfast most days. Then handed them over to the attorney later in the custody case.. NOT swapping war stories, this exact thing came up just yesterday in with the T. Some people are born 'nice'- have an expectation inherent in them others will be the same. Bunches of them out there just plain awful we'll never get a grip on. I'm 54, still capable of getting flattened.

Trying not to be too long with this-blah blah blahing you to tears of boredom, like I know anything much. Thanks much for not minding me sticking my nose in, wasn't attempting to sound 'wise' ( serial marraige commiters pretty much give up all pretense to that going in ) your past just was really, really worthy of 'whoa'! Seems so odd to MY head, you see, that anyone wouldn't throw a parade on the spot. It sounds like you've been here long enough in the forum to see there are plenty of 'us' here, would have given about a bazillion bucks for a certain person in their lives to make the decisions you did. If I say nothing helpful, ( likely ) please know we're at least here for you, with great respect.

 

[Sailorgal]

You said she's never seen you in your "messed up" state but she knows you have PTSD. She obviously isn't being sensitive to your illness.

And some people truly just don't know what's appropriate. Do you tell her how it majes you feel when she talks like that?

 

[AS1975]

I honestly think (touch wood) that it is a case of a completely different construct of reality. Her reality just doesn't allow her to actually comprehend how dysfunctional and truly screwed up I actually was. How badly I screwed up and wrecked Christmas in the past (including the last one with my Grandmother - I maxed out everyone's credit cards to buy drugs), and the actual term "YOU WRECKED CHRISTMAS FOR EVERYONE!" is one I live with the guilt of, quite deservedly and something I am deeply ashamed of. It is quite probably the single greatest rock-bottom of my life, I dodged admitting it to myself for quite some time (isn't denial wonderful), but the determination NEVER to do that again was the source of my strength in changing course and moving forward.

To be fair and completely honest, my wife did not know the extent of the trigger that phrase actually is. I mean, realistically, how could she possibly know? I may have been honest, but I obviously didn't actually explain the extent to which that phrase was used as a weapon against me, or the full extent of that upon me now. She tells me that she didn't intend to hit that sensitive a trigger so hard, or for it to have the effect it did. I explained that regardless of her intent, it did have that effect (reality being a construct after all).

We are working on bringing it back together, but the simple fact remains - nasty judgmental statements, especially of that type, are not supportive, they are not likely to result in anything positive and will quite probably have an effect out of all proportion to what was intended. That said, I am trying desperately to understand her inability to understand that the minor, insignificant complaints she may have really don't stack up against the good progress I've made. I would love to be able to feel that she truly understands just how different I am and my life is compared to where I've been, despite what I've seen and/or done.

 

[Sailorgal]

I hear you AS! My ex couldn't really understand no matter how much I explained it. A lot has to do with personality types as well.

Hopefully the love between you two is stronger than the misunderstanding or lack of. :)