Anyone have an estranged sister?

[Starfish]

I understand when you say that the hurt has affected you deeper than the others in your family. I am a highly sensitive person and I so wish I was not.

My family is also a huge mess. I had to go no contact 10 years ago but I am still haunted by the memory of both parent's emotional and physical violence.

It sounds to me that your sister being nice to your son is a strategy to hurt you more. It is so sad to me these people that love to play these mind games just to hurt others. It also amazes me at how easily others are fooled by these fake people. I am so highly sensitive that I can feel the energy of these fake people and they quickly drain all my energy.

Thank you for your reply. It is nice to meet you.

Thanks NIKI. Nice to meet you too. Thanks each person for joining in on this discussion. I really feel supported

 

[Sideways]

I agree with @Friday .

The decades of hurt you’ve endured? It makes perfect sense that you’d want to tell people, “Do you know what this person can really be like...?” Protective, concerned. Makes sense.

But whatever has inspired her to have a positive relationship with your son? It sounds like it is an important relationship to him. Whatever her motives, he is an adult, and he has an aunt who is important to him, and who seems to treat him okay.

Even if her motives for treating him well are malicious, if it’s important to your son, I think maybe respect his decision to determine his own relationship with her. You’ll be there to support him if she ever screws that up. But if they can function in peace as some kind of extended family? Let him have that. At least while it lasts.

That’s not trying to play down your hurt, but to simply priortise your love for your son over your relationship with your sister.

 

[Starfish]

friday "That’s not trying to play down your hurt, but to simply priortise your love for your son over your relationship with your sister."

yup, that's what I've done for years, friday.... and i don't really see their relationship ever going south..... she loves to be "the great one" and in this scenario she comes out smelling like a rose and I look like the loser/resentment holder/can't let go, etc...... and I really don't give a sh...... What i care about is not playing her game and interaction with her while ignoring her attitude and digs feels like an inauthentic relationship to me. I am totally on board with allowing my son and his family a relationship with her but the inside of me feels abandonded by them at the thought of them being together in a few weeks. I am using this time to process my feelings, not run from them, not act out to my son and family.
I am having thoughts like moving away from here to never see my son and family again....on and on but not acting on them......just noticing that I am curling up in a ball inside and withdrawing from my son and his family. Fortunately I know these are just thoughts and I do not have to act out on them. I will see my son today and we will all go to a music festival this weekend and camp together and I will love being with them.
It really helps to have this forum to process what is happening inside rather than dissociate and feel confused. I see my T this morning and will talk about this. ?

 

[Starfish]

As long as everyone is an adult? I don’t care.

"He was allowed to have his own friends, and his own relationships, because he was a grownup who could make decisions for himself.".

I admire that you were able to pull this off, friday!! It is my goal to remain with this same attitude and hopefully, someday, without inner abandonment issues

 

[Starfish]

I agree with @Friday .

The decades of hurt you’ve endured? It makes perfect sense that you’d want to tell people, “Do you know what this person can really be like...?” Protective, concerned. Makes sense.

But whatever has inspired her to have a positive relationship with your son? It sounds like it is an important relationship to him. Whatever her motives, he is an adult, and he has an aunt who is important to him, and who seems to treat him okay.

Even if her motives for treating him well are malicious, if it’s important to your son, I think maybe respect his decision to determine his own relationship with her. You’ll be there to support him if she ever screws that up. But if they can function in peace as some kind of extended family? Let him have that. At least while it lasts.

That’s not trying to play down your hurt, but to simply priortise your love for your son over your relationship with your sister.

I love all you said, sideways, and agree wholeheartedly.
A part of me is really glad he gets to have a good relationship with aunt and cousins. It gives him a connection to his roots. My experience of aunts and uncles and roots was minimum (geography)and filled with subtle resentments I sensed in my parents towards their siblings who I did not really know except for very minimal exposure..... ?

 

[Tinyflame]

just noticing that I am curling up in a ball inside and withdrawing from my son and his family. Fortunately I know these are just thoughts and I do not have to act out on them. I will see my son today and we will all go to a music festival this weekend and camp together and I will love being with them.

That's what's important.

But yes, I get it. I don't know anymore how to not want to withdraw. Relationships are associated with pain and unsafety to me, for the most part now. Definitely atm.

 

[Tinyflame]

I don't know much @crushed , but I do think regardless of beliefs, or most disorders, we know if we treat people (or think of them, and our actions, or inactions that then follow) lovingly or not. And what their's say too.

Best wishes to you, however you choose to navigate it, and who or what you remove, or don't. :hug:

 

[Starfish]

Thanks for replies everyone! I have decided that I am perfectly fine keeping a "no contact" with this sister. Our dynamics are, no doubt in large part due to our extremely dysfunctional family dynamics. Although it was so long ago, it seems the body memories and relationship patterns will never go away---- thus her need to bully me as adults. Just knowing she will be passing through my area terrify's me inside!
One good thing that I've come up with.....on a positive note and borrowing from "the Aunt you know is not the sister I knew" concept: My sister gets the opportunity to be the person she wants to be to my son. She could never be nice to anyone in our family. She is nice to her own children and to mine. So, I can leave it at that without judging any of her motives nor wrestling with myself that our relationship could be different.
The most important thing I need to remember is to take care of myself by keeping my interactions with safe people who see the good in me. This includes family of origin!

 

[Changing4Best]

My older sister is shy and I think that is why she NEVER calls me. I always have to call her. Whenever I do call her, she seems honestly happy to hear from me. Also, I checked this out with her daughter and she says the same thing. One time I tried not calling her to see how long it would take. After 3 months, I gave up! So, when I want to speak with her for a long chat, or to ask a short question, I know I have to call her. It is frustrating, but at least she is not a bully. I am so glad of that!

 

[ms spock]

I have an estranged sisters. I also don't see my brothers. I let my estranged sister back in 2014 I think it was and we had agreements about behaviour. She broke the agreements about behaviour and I didn't kick her out because I went into dissociation around her. She behaved appalling at my wedding and I haven't seen here since. I am not even going to tell her that I am not seeing her because she will just try to use it as a way to hook me in again. I don't respond to her letters, texts and emails. They haven't tapered off now. I last had contact when our Father died. She has tried a range of hooks to get me back in but I haven't fallen for it. I really wanted to see if I could get some family back, not possible.

So having her back in my life caused a lot of damage in my life and really derailed my recovery/management. I am not so good with the boundaries thing and I really need to improve that.

If I hadn't let her back in my life I would have managed to do a lot more with my life. Every time I got close to achieving anything she under mined me.

So my poor boundaries were definitely a contributing factor for me, but she really played the gas lighting goal post shifting games of my mother so much. I lost my ground and confidence.

Be kind to the guilt and keep going is what I suggest but that's from my experience which may or may not be relevant to you.

I made a big mistake in letting my sister back in my life. I forgot how bad it was to have her in my life.

 

[gealach]

I have an estranged sister. I was going to cut her off (and the entire "family") when I turned 18 and moved out of the house, but she got pregnant. I stuck around for the munchkin, and the others that followed, but was never sucked in by her woe-is-me-I'm-so-hard-done-by-everyone-owes-me-everything-I-have-it-harder-than-everyone-else-in-the-world-you-never-support-me-enough-me-me-me manipulative BS. Really we all went through the motions of being a "family" for the sake of the kids, so that they could have positive and healthy attachments outside of their mother's toxic zone of negligence and chaos. I cut her off completely.

Spoiler: major crime events

when she and the boyfriend/baby daddy du jour murdered my niece, and my nephew was murdered in foster care after being apprehended from them

A family friend, who knew her and what happened (we all grew up together), did once give me the ''blood is thicker than water-you always stick by family no matter what'' speech... ONCE. I never carried guilt for cutting her or the rest of the ''family'' (except my mother) off, and anyone who pressed the issue was also cut off (because where the F do they get off?!?!? they honestly wouldn't let their little kids be alone with her, or let her pet or house sit for them, but I'm supposed to maintain a relationship with her???? after THAT?!?!). That speech, and the idea behind it, is complete BS. Sharing DNA does not create an obligation to stick by toxic abusive people like some hokey Tammy Wynette song. The guilt that comes with cutting someone off is created/allowed/perpetuated only by ourselves/our own minds. That guilt is a way to let the abuse continue, even in their absence. I have enough :poop: to manage with ptsd, without adding boundary-guilt to the mix.