Apparently It's Not Uncommon To Very Strongly Grieve The Loss Of A Loved One For More Than A Year.

[LittleBear]

I have been hurting almost unbearably to a point of going into absolute agony at times over the loss of my best friend. I, because of this forum's threads and other research from reliable Internet resources, have discovered that experiencing extreme grief over the loss of someone extremely close can very easily last several years.

Understandably, being human, we do not want to suffer grief and we try to conveniently box and schedule our lives. Unfortunately, this is not possible for most after an extreme loss. I personally while knowing my Mother's death when I was sixteen still had an effect on me I didn't realize how major an impact it still played in my life. I am now 57. The recent death of slightly over a year ago of my very very close best friend has caused a grief that I mentioned in my opening sentence above. Even after a year the loss seems like last week and still hurts as described above.

What I am starting to discover is the tremendous effect my Mother's death had on my life and is also contributing to the tremendous grief I am experiencing over my friend's death. I guess what I am trying to say is grieving and recovery is not clean, scheduleable, or possibly ever resolved but only suppressed so we can function again. After many visits with my Brother, a therapist, my General practitioner, this forum and other reliable Internet sources along with even conversations with lay persons I have come to the conclusion in certain losses we only learn to suppress and survive the grief but never finish the process. It's always there and never truly goes away. Looking back on 40+ years since my Mother's death I can see how it has played an almost daily role influencing almost every decision I have made in my life since then. Not consciously but it is now so obvious it is as if a giant wake-up alarm has gone off in my head.

I can only say further that I am amazed, simply amazed, at how a singular event can have such a brutal effect on my (our) lives even after four decades. Death is far too permanent and apparently so are the consequences on the survivors. These type of events can not be simply packaged and put on a shelf somewhere in our souls but instead becomes and literally shapes our very souls IE: existence. I am hurting so badly right now that I feel as if some giant parasite is crawling around in my chest and devouring my soul. I have hopes that it will stop eventually but I am starting to fear it may never stop.

Peace everyone.

LBear

 

[Srain]

I have lost people I will NEVER get over. My pain is insurmountable. The place in my heart that they filled will NEVER be filled by anyone or anything else, ever.

For me, there is no "getting over it" or "it will pass", there is only learning to live with this HUGE hole in my heart. I scream as loud as it hurts when I have to. I do. This helps bleed off the pain of loss. I know my loved ones are watching from a place I feel their spirits live, for me it is the Moon. I have a place where I have pack their things, each has a special box for momentos and pictures.

Everyone grieves differently at different times for different reasons. I feel your pain and I'm so sorry your loss. I wish there was an easy fix, I don't have one, it seems there are a lot of good paths to take but in the end it seems we each need to find what fits for us.

Truthfully, I don't feel my loved ones are gone, they loved me so much that I still feel them nearby when I need them the most, that is when I think of them first and foremost.

Peace,
Rain

 

[KP the nut]

(((LB))), (((Rain))),

I don't know what to say. For me I mourn the loss of a sister who is still alive. I mourn the loss of my Father who deserted me when I was 4 and whose death in 1985 I have never come to terms with. I mourn for the loss of my Mum who died suddenly in 1992.

I can't say more now but I am here listening to you.

Linking arms
KP

 

[Ted Moen]

Everyone grieves at their own pace, in their own way. It is not uncommon to pretty much put off grieving for a while, only to have it come up years later in conjunction with a subsequent death. I facilitated grief and loss groups for a few years at a childrens center and it was not unusual for adults bringing in children for support to suddenly be confronted with all the feelings they had set aside over the years.

Grieving, like ptsd in some ways, is not about getting over it. It's about expressing the feelings in a safe, caring environment and, over time, reframing the event and integrating it into our set of life experiences in a way that works for us.

I tend to remember deaths that were significant to me on the anniversary of their death, since memories seem to intrude around then anyway. Some of them it took years to work through thoughts related to the gory details, feelings of abandonment, anger and guilt and such. But with each retrival of the memory, some reframing occurs. That's why grief and loss groups start off with going around and stating/restating the circumstatces that brought the participants there.

Ted

 

[LittleBear]

Rain and KP...you showed me another light out of this darkness.

Rain, your comment:​

I have lost people I will NEVER get over. My pain is insurmountable. The place in my heart that they filled will NEVER be filled by anyone or anything else, ever.

For me, there is no "getting over it" or "it will pass", there is only learning to live with this HUGE hole in my heart.​

​

Shows me that others have been there before and yours too, KP. My feelings and hurt is not abnormal but normal and especially Rain that I have tried to avoid the pain of my Mother's death and rejection of me by burying the hurt deep in my soul where it has done nothing but rot me from the inside out. Doing this by trying to keep from living the pain instead of releasing it by venting if not constructively at least not destructively has essentially destroyed my life and seriously affected others around me.​

​

I've got to go a thunderstorm is coming and I need to post this before the electricity possibly gets knocked out.​

​

Don't suppress...express.​

​

LBear​

 

[LittleBear]

Ted...I didn't ignore you. Your comment posted while I was writing mine.

Thank-you also for your excellent comment.

LBear

 

[LittleBear]

Ted,

Thank-you for your reply. Can you possibly give me more feedback on suppressed grief? I am currently suffering horribly and I don't think it is all from my current loss. I need to get through all of this as I have been going through this on almost a daily basis for over a year. I can not begin to tell you the agony I am in and again I think it is a combined sense of loss.

Thank-you,

LBear

 

[Ted Moen]

Well LB, I think your friend and your Mom were very fortunate to have you as a friend and a daughter. I suspect you have some fond memories of both relationships. When the sorrow intrudes let yourself feel the loss for a few moments, then shift your focus to a fond memory. If possible, find a grief & loss group in your area to share with.

When we suppress (stuff) intense feelings, they will come out sooner or later or both in some way. in Vietnam a friend I had been on the line with for several months (a lifetime) dove on a grenade when some of us were caught in the open. Seven years later a friend and mentor committed suicide. When I was told about the suicide I kind of wandered out into a field and suddenly I was back in Vietnam watching my military friend dive on the grenade. I had put the Vietnam incident out of my conscious mind for seven years. Suddenly I was dealing with both sets of feelings at the same time.

It wasn't easy. It took a few years and some good therapeutic support. These days I remember each of them now and then. One of them was a wonderful military person, the other a little screwed up but a good person. I was fortunate to have had the opportunity to participate in relationships and activities with each, and these days cherish those memories.

So when the feelings come, don't stuff them, let them flow and once the initial intense rush passes take a little time to remember the positive aspects of the relationships. Don't go for total recall, just one or two specific memories. Savor them for a moment, then take a deep breath and get back to your current situation.

Ted

 

[anthony]

Yep... grief is a problem in itself. You can't get over it, you can't get around it, you have to face all the fears it creates and go head on into grief itself. The end result and understanding is that you cannot completely get rid of it, but instead you resolve it and find a way to carry that grief in a more positive way with you, the rest of your life. Yes... grief can be changed into a positive emotion by instead not focusing on the negatives of what is causing grief, but the positives behind the grief (ie. the good times with the person)... it doesn't go away, but you can lessen it and live with it and limit grief to mourning the loss, ie. feeling sad from time to time due to missing those positive attributes.

 

[missing_the _sunshine]

This is definitely an area that I struggle with and need to work on in order to start to get to where I need to be.

One of the main areas I struggle with it is that I often feel that if I 'deal' with it or 'accept' it then it means that I will forget them. I don't want to forget them and I also spend a great deal of energy making sure I don't forget the circumstances either.

The logical part of my thinking (albeit doesnt happen very often) knows that this is not healthy, it is definitely an area on my to do list as I suspect it acts as a major obstacle in my life at the moment.

 

[soulofLC]

Thank you for these posts. I have a better idea about my current depression. My mother is dying, and I am trying to decide if I am to go see her. If I get better, do I have to go? So I am not getting better! Perhaps a part of the puzzle...grief if I do, grief if I don't.