Are Little Messages Okay? Sufferer Pov?

[sassyblewe]

So I usually never venture out of the supporters area, but I wanted to get the sufferers point of view on this one. And I know many of yall don't go down to the supporters forum often. So I've been with my bf for a year and a half now, of course he's fighting PTSD. Right now he's doing one of his isolation periods, where he just "poof" disappears without a single word. It's been about a week at this point. It's becoming really hard for me, and I'm fighting despair, and just trying to stay strong in hopes he returns. I want to give him space to cope and heal and not make him feel pressured, but at the same time I want him to know I'm there for him and that I love him. When I do, of course he doesn't answer. And I've heard some mixed things from carers about it. But as a sufferer, when you face an isolation period, do you appreciate getting a little text from your significant other letting you know you're not alone, or do you prefer to be left completely alone? Do those little messages help you, or just make things worse? Should I be there, or back completely off? Its very hard trying to figure out the right thing to do in a situation like this. I just don't want to push him completely away by making the wrong move

 

[mephoto]

If I get a message I like it to be general. If someone I care about text me and says something that reminds me of them as a person without being too emotional I am more likely to possibly respond or at least not be bothered by it. For example if a friend text me and says "so, I tripped at work today and spilled my drink in front of my boss" I might start thinking about them a little bit. Whereas if they text me and say "hey, I haven't seen you in awhile, thinking about you" I just think more about what other people think about me and how much I want them to stop worrying and leave me alone ... Did that make any sense? I tried to explain very quickly

 

[sassyblewe]

@mephoto No that makes sense. So in your isolation period, you don't want to see any forms of emotion showed towards you? I havn't sent him a message in a couple of days, but its a struggle not to send a simple "I hope you're doing okay" even just to make myself feel better.

 

[Friday]

But as a sufferer, when you face an isolation period, do you appreciate getting a little text from your significant other letting you know you're not alone, or do you prefer to be left completely alone? Do those little messages help you, or just make things worse? Should I be there, or back completely off?

Yes. All those.

Honestly, I'd recommend setting up a system before the next isolation phase.

Doesn't help now... But you're learning about yourself. Make note when you want/need/etc. Get your own baseline. Clearly, your'd prefer XYZ (whatever non-isolation looks like), so now that you're in isolation look at what could work for you long term. Then talk with the man and figure out what works for him. What he wants/needs.

While there will be trends amongst us... Were all gonna be different. That's part of why you see what looks like conflicting advice. It's less conflicting, and more individualized. Some people want others to reach out, some don't. Some want emotions. Some don't. Some want daily contact, or weekly, or whatever. Some use symbols, words are too effing much. Some want words. List goes on.

 

[Kefira]

I strongly agree with @FridayJones. He's the only one who can tell you what he wants. If he doesn't know, then that gives you the opportunity to have a conversation to better understand him. For example "Alright, so if you are't responding, and I text you once a day would that be overwhelming? Twice a week? Once a week?". Even if he doesn't have a level of self awareness to be able to give you an instruction manual or it might be different from hour to hour while he's isolating, maybe you can have a talk that will let you understand his perspective a bit more.

If this is a pattern and you want to make it through the many times to come as gently as possible for both of you then you two need to have some communication about this. A bunch of strangers on the internet, even if we all suffer from PTSD, aren't going to be able to tell you much about what might be right for your relationship, and even if we could all be in agreement (unlikely) it wouldn't mean that your partner feels the same.

Also, maybe talk a little bit about 'love language' and things you could do that wouldn't be overwhelming. It sounds like when he isolates you want to be in some form of verbal communication with him to show him you care about him. Maybe if your need is "to show you care about him" but he really doesn't want contact, you two can come up with a creative way around that, like writing him pen and paper notes each day to give to him when he comes back, or spending some time while he's isolating working on planning something special you both would like to do when he's feeling more himself. Just a thought.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

We really can't say. This is why communication when the sufferer is feeling well is very important.

Sometimes I crave people reaching out to me because I can't do it myself. Sometimes I want nothing to do with anybody. It really does vary.

 

[mephoto]

All true. I am saying what works for ME, but it may be different for him. More just trying to give ideas, but definitely talk to him.

 

[SeaQuel]

I just have to say that I absolutely hate receiving even "little messages." I already feel like shit for isolating and the messages, no matter the content, are a constant reminder of my failure in the relationship. These messages are usually met with a "leave me the F alone!" in my head and sometimes even voiced aloud. But I do think it's different when you're dealing with a S/O, because you really do need and deserve a system that works for both of you. As others have said, I would encourage you to have that conversation when he comes back.