tapdancingtunas
New Here
arted getting messages on Facebook from the rapist who is currently out of prison. They’re basically angry rants, but they’re also threats. I’ve contacted the police and all of that, and I’m in the process of getting a no contact order, but damn is it difficult to deal with this right now. I was already experiencing passive suicidal ideation, but it’s definitely intensified as a result of the messages and having to deal with the court system and all of that. I’m also having trouble in my marriage with issues involving physical intimacy and emotional connection, which hasn’t helped my ability to cope with these thoughts and feelings. I’m just exhausted and overwhelmed and I don’t have anyone to talk to that I’m not paying to be there for me.
I’m seeing a therapist weekly and talking things through with her helps, but I don’t know what to do with myself the rest of the week. I feel like I’m not functioning anymore. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I’m having trouble leaving my house, and I’m having a lot issues doing the things I need to do for my family. I just feel like I’m kind of a waste of space at this point, like I don’t have value outside of being a wife and stepmother and like I could easily be replaced if something happened to me. I’m constantly on edge and feel like I’m bordering a panic attack 95% of the time.
I know isolation can be a symptom of the trauma. I know that. But god damn is it lonely. I’m at a point where I don’t care about myself, I don’t want fight for myself, and I don’t have anyone that truly cares if I’m okay or not. My partner has his own mental health struggles and because he deals with suicidal thoughts all the time, he’s become desensitized to the idea and he’s not reacting how I need him to right now.
I just need some support. This is going to get better, right? I’m going to get the no contact order, he’s going to leave me alone, the anniversary is going to pass even more than it has (it was the 9th) and the memories will calm down. I won’t be in crisis forever. Please remind me that this will get better. It’s been 14 years and I still feel as broken as the day I laid there waiting to die. How much longer until I want to live again?
I’m seeing a therapist weekly and talking things through with her helps, but I don’t know what to do with myself the rest of the week. I feel like I’m not functioning anymore. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I’m having trouble leaving my house, and I’m having a lot issues doing the things I need to do for my family. I just feel like I’m kind of a waste of space at this point, like I don’t have value outside of being a wife and stepmother and like I could easily be replaced if something happened to me. I’m constantly on edge and feel like I’m bordering a panic attack 95% of the time.
I know isolation can be a symptom of the trauma. I know that. But god damn is it lonely. I’m at a point where I don’t care about myself, I don’t want fight for myself, and I don’t have anyone that truly cares if I’m okay or not. My partner has his own mental health struggles and because he deals with suicidal thoughts all the time, he’s become desensitized to the idea and he’s not reacting how I need him to right now.
I just need some support. This is going to get better, right? I’m going to get the no contact order, he’s going to leave me alone, the anniversary is going to pass even more than it has (it was the 9th) and the memories will calm down. I won’t be in crisis forever. Please remind me that this will get better. It’s been 14 years and I still feel as broken as the day I laid there waiting to die. How much longer until I want to live again?