Avoidance

[ShodokanJenn]

So part of PTSD is avoidance. In talking to my therapist, this comes through as me avoiding actually using the correct names for specific acts and/or parts involved. He corrected me months ago when I was using the term "having sex" instead of "being raped." I've finally gotten used to using the correct term in that situation. Other than that, he's been letting my avoidance slide. I've been able to avoid using any anatomical terms. Today he called me out on that. He initially tried to get me to say the terms to him. I couldn't do it. So he filled in the correct terms for me. It was almost unbearable to hear. My homework for next time (two weeks from today) is to go through my written narrative for the memory we are currently working on, and replace the avoidance language with the correct terms. And then to read it, out loud to myself, every day. That way next time I see him, maybe I can actually say it out loud.



Has anybody else done this sort of thing? If so, how did you overcome the need to not use those terms???

 

[Rumors]

Sorry, no I havent. I haven't even thought of that as being avoidance!! I am way avoidant! Lol. The idea frightens me but I imagine the more you do it the better it becomes. I wish you well and hope you are able to find a way to do this without too much anxiety.

 

[scout86]

No, but that sounds really hard and it's exactly the kind of thing I want to avoid and don't want my T to come up with! Good luck with it!

 

[butterfly96]

My counselor person said I am stuck on avoidance, I am not sure if she meant avoidance of my trauma or my feelings, or both. How do you address avoidance? How do you push past it? Will you ever be able to just go through with it or will I always be stuck with this avoidance?

Another question is do any of you have trouble identifying your emotions? Ever since my trauma I have had trouble telling apart my emotions. It always seem like all my emotions are on full blast and I can not tell one from the other, all just coming at me like a freight train and running me over every time I try to figure them out. Why is this so hard?

Ps. I am new on here I was just curious on what you all have to say on avoidance? How did some of ya push through it or does it go away?

 

[Tinyflame]

No I don't think it goes away. If anything if I don't fight it (with even baby steps) it worsens.

 

[scout86]

I think it can get better and I think that happens by confronting the things that you'd like to avoid until they lose their power. We avoid things because we think they can hurt us. Sometimes we're wrong. Sometimes it was true that they could hurt us at one time, but no longer. Nothing really seems to just get better without actual work.

 

[NatBird]

Thanks for putting the question out there. This is the symptom that is causing the most distress.

I can only offer my experience. For me pain been the biggest motivating factor in moving towards moving out of avoidance.

I've only just understood at quite a profound level how avoidance which is really fear (in my experience) has eaten up everything around me: relationships, career etc and is now eating me up to the point where there is soon to be nothing left but fear.

The good news?
The good bit is that the pain has moved me out of denial. I could not see/feel the harm that avoidance and the attendent depravation eg. relationships, social input, sharing feelings, sex, contributing etc. was causing me until now, until near gutted by it.
Since this I've taken the following action:

1. started to reach out for help - finding body based trauma release work is one example. This has been important to me as I have realised through meditation that I have been trapped in 'freeze' trauma response which translates into avoidance in my daily life.

2. responding to texts, calls and emails within 48 hours. It may seem silly but I'm often avoiding dealing with difficult feelings when I don't do this. It's also about remaining connected.

3. doing something 'social' (this could be meeting with one person) once every fortnight or month, depending on how startled I'm feeling.

4. Engaging in a practice that helps me connect to what I'm feeling. For me this is meditation (although lately not so great with new body memories) and free writing.

Some of this stuff has been inspired by what I learned as a member of Sex and Love Addicts Anon. They recognise Avoidance as part of SLA behaviour and encourage 'avoidants' to set top line activities.
I found that committing to activities and 'doing' them useful. I built confidence, resilience and even began some re wiring.

In SLA the Avoidant is seen as one engaged in 'not doing, not doing, not doing'.Recognise this? It certainly hit home when I heard it. Although promoted as a program for SLA issues it helped me see what role my avoidance was playing generally. It was very useful. They have some material that can point to ways out of social, emotional and sexual avoidance on their site.

To be clear I'm not promoting SLA.
I left in the end because a lot of their ways weren't for me and I found a lot if it re traumatising but there are some great practical tools available and I'm now drawing on/re engaging with those tools to help me very slowly chip away at the avoidance.

Now I am going to the library finally after saying I would do this an hour ago. I have a deadline and I'm avoiding the possibility of failure and what people might think. Thought: 'If I don't do it-I'll be shit and if I do it will be shit or it will be good and then I will be visible and then people will attack me - so do nothing'.

Well I'm late but I'm going to get there and see what 'actually' happens.

Hope this made sense and was of some use.

 

[Chem Lady]

Thank you for your post! I hadn't thought of putting the term avoidance on what I was doing, but I can see now that I was avoiding. I think the term I cringed at using was "abuse". I remember the first time my counsellor said it to me and it felt awful. It was definitely something I couldn't repeat, although it was refreshing. Other counsellors, psychologists, and even psychiatrists would say "well, maybe your mom was mean spirited", which made me really angry because I knew it was more serious than that. So I wonder, if someone else described you as "having sex" in those scenarios, would it make you mad? I think that means that you know that phrase isn't true. That means that it is worth the work to become more ok saying the correct phrases! It gives truth to your experience, which is a huge, important step!
I did the uncomfortable work of reading my awful stories out loud and I'm so glad I did. It gets easier the more you do it and it is empowering! I hope you find that this week too!

 

[NatBird]

Aw well done. You're very brave. I sense this is 'the work'.

Apologies - wasn't trying to define your experience. Think my post got caught up with other entries.

Yes I would be fuming if someone described being sexually violated/molested/abused as me 'having sex'.

 

[watundah]

I believe one "fixes" avoidance by understanding that it's based upon fear, and knowing the basis of that fear. For me, it is fear of being seen, or vulnerability. Baby steps, crawling bit by bit out of the hole, seeing that the world didn't implode, provides reassurance that it's ok to crawl out a wee bit more, rinse and repeat.

 

[Panda Bear]

Using the correct terms is quite hard, @ShodokanJenn and I can very much relate.

T didn't use the correct terms for a long time and he allowed me to avoid them a well. I was to fragile at the time. But a time came where we needed to use them. He started using them first on a limited basis, as I would tolerate. I would push back, tell him to be quiet, stop talking....get visibly angry with him and shut down. He'd back off and try again down the road. As time came and I started to trust that he wasn't the abuser in my life, I became more comfortable with hearing the terms. He uses them often now and it still upsets me, I can say(and do) "I don't like it when you say that word" or "it upsets me to hear that".

Really, using the words made it real. Saying my mom was an abuser hurt! My heart aches, it's devastating! I wanted to be loved....and now this person I trust is telling me no....you were abused. She is an abuser. Or He molested you... Etc.

The words need to be used, it helps us make what happened less normal(because we normalize trauma as a way to cope). Start by letting yourself use them, you'll get used to it. When he corrects you, express your discomfort. Tell him, it's hard and then try just once. You will eventually, over time become more comfortable. It starts, like everything else with just one little push and one acceptance of the word. Say it....and process the feelings that comes with it. Really, that's what happens....

Your T is trying to help you.