Avoidance

[Enaila]

I have a therapist appointment this upcoming Wednesday and am feeling a little trepidation. She had given me some homework to do over three weeks ago and I have been avoiding it. Before I had the honest excuse of not being able to write and told her I was doing online diary entries, which I was at the time. I think I traumatized myself some by allowing myself to feel through the last entry I did. I went to post entry I had poured tears into and it disappeared. I was so upset I quit using the diary. Anyway, I have not been following doctor's orders and am feeling guilty about it.

I stop writing at the times I most need to be writing. Does anyone else struggle with this? I do want to get healthier, but sometimes I am afraid to write.

 

[sedna]

I have that struggle a lot. In my case its partly because I feel like I'm being told to have or deal with emotions on command. I just procrastinate a lot until eventually Im in a situation like yours. Then it becomes about failure and self worth.

I feel like unconsciously I want to keep letting the therapist down so he sees that I'm not worth caring about.

I think maybe you should just tell them how you felt about it, and dont worry about not having it done on time. It's possible that a different approach to the assignments would work better, ask them if maybe they can come up with a back up plan for you to try if you get writers block, see if that will help?

 

[LMaKenna]

i don't do writing, but maybe try really little. Just put in the diary "i feel sad today", or "i'm staying in bed all day", whatever. Then if your fingers and brain keep adding more that's good too. You can even put in stuff like "i missed the last 3 days but i'm... today".
Just a suggestion. Sorry if i'm not doing this right.

 

[rosey]

If the writing is causing u more pain then take the pressure off yourself. Make a decision not to do it. There are plenty of other methods your therapist can use. I too got very upset writing anything i couldnt bear having it near me so stopped.

 

[desiderata310]

The trauma diary I keep is probably the most useful thing I do in therapy.i often share large chunks of it in therapy (or rather BEFORE) It helps to direct what we are going to discuss and work on because it says what often I cant say in session and is actually a good gauge for how I'm doing.

That said there are times I simply can't write. I can't. And yes I've gone through writing something difficult and the losing and feeling just defeated/overwhelmed
I actually got in the habit of writing in my inbox of my gmai account because it saves automatically and then copy pasting into my diary.
Therapists get that you aren't going to always do their homework. Maybe you can tell her about the fact that you had done all this work and lost it. That way you don't have to feel bad about not working on things since you WERE working on things and maybe you can talk through a portion of what you write about- at least scratch the surface.

 

[Enaila]

The therapist never demands I write. The diary entry I was typing was about one of my biggest flashbacks and how it changed the direction of my whole life. I had finally taken the risk to put all the pieces together when the whole thing refused to post. I know diaries are for the individual, but had hoped to share it with her and a lot more info had returned during the typing. I became so upset about losing out that now I don't remember some of the new parts and am afraid to write it out again as the feelings were so intense it scared me.

I plan on using everyone's suggestions and will just share what I remember.

She also wanted me to journal at least some positives and what I was doing to help things be more positive. I have some of those I can do.

Thanks to all of you for the encouragement! It odds so nice to be alone.

 

[NatBird]

@Enaila
I can relate to having fear around writing and avoiding it.

In my own experience it tends to happen when prodding at something potent, that on being punctured has the potential to leave me in a noxious fog. So I avoid but that creates a fog, a distance between us! a discomfort of its own.

I am wondering if working with images/collage might help to move the process along?
Something like cutting up images from papers, mags etc putting them in an envelope. Commiting to take out a set number each time and writing a few words about what the image brings to mind and how they might connect with current feelings. I find the latter often starts to come quite naturally.
Images can be quite a wellspring.
Might seem long winded but in the land that is avoidance working with it helps.

Wishing you well.

 

[Enaila]

Pictures to write about might work, but how do you cut them out without having to think and feel right then? I do know that the worse my avoidance is, the more I need to address what I am avoiding, but dang it is hard and painful going through it. I know I will feel better after doing what needs done.

@NatBird thank you for the suggestions.

 

[Nessa7]

I use Google Docs quite a bit for things like that. They save everything automatically for you, so the only way to lose it is to make the effort to delete it, which is too much for me when I am trying to avoid something. I use a different one than my main account, so I don't have a ton of scary Untitled Documents looking at me whenever I am trying to work. Whenever I want to find something, I can go to Google Drive and switch it to list view so that I can see the date that I most recently modified that document.

 

[Enaila]

I told my T about the working through the trauma and how it didn't save. I mentioned I had allowed myself to feel and go all the way through events from beginning to end. She smiled at me and congratulated me on the hard work then said it should be a little less painful when I type or write it again. I just looked at her and told her, "Why am I not surprised you said that?" Lol. Guess no avoiding it any longer.