Relationship Back From The Shut Out?

[HimOrMe]

My combat PTSD boyfriend stopped talking to me two weeks ago. This was the first time this had happened in our 7 month relationship. I even got in a car accident and got little response to that the first week of the shut out. I finally gave him the space he asked for and didn't hear from him for 8 days...... Yesterday he texted me "Hi" and today he texted "Baby". I haven't responded to either text. I've immersed myself in PTSD books and forums for the last two weeks and while I may now have a mustard seed of understanding I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to make things worse. Do I immediately let him back in? Do I ask for an explanation? Should he even give one? I'm still upset and I reacted horribly to being shut out because I didn't know that's what it was. I thought our relationship was over.......

 

[Never Give Up]

Other "supporter" forums have discussions about being isolated from your partner. Many of us are experiencing that same kind of negative attention. Keep your head up and do not take is personal. I know that might be hard to do.

 

[Snowangel1225]

Do I immediately let him back in?

You might want to open up lines of communication but not jump right back into the relationship like nothing happened. If you really like him and want him in your life in some capacity, start talking. Explain to him that you were hurt by his actions and that you want to take things slowly or just be friends and see how that goes. My sufferer has started talking to me after 4 or 5 months of nothing. I care about him but I am in no hurry to be in a relationship with him again. For now we are talking...at some point we may get together and talk things through, but even then I plan on taking things very slowly.

 

[Never Give Up]

My sufferer has started talking to me after 4 or 5 months of nothing

Wow, had you been living in the same place together while no communication? 4-5 months is a long time.

 

[TimeToHeal]

I agree with @Never Give Up, try not to take it personally. This "shut out," as you call it, likely has everything to do with him and nothing to do with you or your relationship.

It is ultimately your decision/choice whether or not you reestablish contact and let him back in. Having said that, if you love and care about him and want him in your life, I would at least give him the chance to explain. And be honest as to the effect it has had on you, and how his behavior made you feel. Don't play games with "how long should I wait to respond," as that is likely to only make things worse.

Good luck, I wish you both well....

 

[Viosinger]

As a sufferer, I'd respond. But stand by your needs, too. If possible, be caring (which it sounds like you are, or you wouldn't go to all this trouble) but firm & honest. There are times I struggle. I love knowing that my bf is still there, but it doesn't mean PTSD gives me a free pass to do/say/not do/not say whatever I want.

 

[Snowangel1225]

Wow, had you been living in the same place together while no communication?

We don't live together. He lives in an apartment about 20 miles from me. He stopped all contact...haven't seen each other, no phone calls, no texts, no emails and even shut down his FB. Holidays came and went, my birthday....still nothing until very recently. We are taking things very slowly. It sounds like he wants to pick up where we dropped off but I am not willing to do that...I want to take things slowly and build trust and communication again. I think if we move too quickly, he will get triggered again and will go no-contact when it gets to be too much for him.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

The female side of me says "don't respond just yet. He's a guy so make him chase what he wants!" Yeah, I totally do this, but the difference is that I'm the sufferer and he gets pissed at me for awhile so I just ignore him and that makes him want me more. Don't ask, it's a very messed up situation!

But then the PTSD side of me says that you should respond but take things very slowly. Don't jump right back into things just yet, rather work on rebuilding the relationship. That is, if that's what you want.

 

[Never Give Up]

The female side of me says "don't respond just yet. He's a guy so make him chase what he wants!"

@Solara - if that was the case I would be back with my wife. I totally understand the (if he gets me mad I will just ignore him) situation. I have adapted to that lately. I just cannot understand why anyone chooses to remain alone on purpose after many good years of receiving affection and love.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@Never Give Up,
I said that sort of jokingly, as that's what I'd advise if PTSD wasn't involved. I meant no offense. Sorry! :(

 

[fly away home]

Just curious because I'm not clear in the timing of events here. Do you think you being in a car accident triggered the shut out? The fear of losing you may have been enough for him to unconsciously say "I will cut her out now before she dies".

I know this is what my brain would do.

 

[HimOrMe]

No he started shutting me out earlier that day. He read my car accident message that night and didn't respond. The next day he said he didn't get my message and only asked practical questions like was I at fault and did the cop ask if anyone had been drinking. He never asked if I was ok. Not once. THEN he COMPLETELY shut me out.