Relationship Back From The Shut Out?

[Sweetpea76]

Go with your gut. There is no "correct" way to handle this. He sounds like he had a bad patch, and now he is trying to re-establish contact.

This is the hard part of being in a relationship with a sufferer. You have to learn that these periods of isolation are not about you, or your relationship... they are about the sufferer and their need to be alone to deal with what they need to deal with. That's a hard lesson to learn as a supporter. In a regular relationship, this kind of behavior is horrible. It is hard to get over that "horrible" feeling when it happens in a PTSD relationship. But it is NOT the same situation at all. If the relationship is solid, and he contacts you afterwards, this is a PTSD thing. You have come to realize that when he is really bad, he just cannot deal with the world... and sometimes that includes you, even if he loves you.

That being said, if you do re-establish your relationship, it may be time to set some boundaries. You can support and love a sufferer, but you cannot be made into a doormat and still have a healthy partnership. PTSD or not, your partner has to deal with your needs as well. If they cannot manage that, then they are not ready to be in a relationship. For instance, my vet sometimes needs to isolate, and I can empathize and give him his space. However, he cannot leave me beside myself, worrying that he is dead in a ditch somewhere. He has to tell me he needs some alone time instead of just disappearing, and at least throw me a text periodically to let me know he is ok. I agreed not to text him back until he is ready. He also knows I cannot tolerate lengthy isolation, and if he would ever take off for more than a week or two with no contact, I would consider the relationship over. That is the way we manage these periods of isolation.

I don't see anything wrong with responding to his texts... especially if this is not a pattern of behavior with him.

 

[fly away home]

OK. It's possible things have compounded then. I hope you can work a way through this. Best of luck. These things are not easy.

 

[Justmehere]

I would be gently honest and direct with how his actions impacted you. I would also try to avoid assume he already understands or knows what you need. It's a tough road and I'd be pretty upset too.

 

[HimOrMe]

I just want to love him and for him to let me.

 

[Justmehere]

Tell him.

 

[Justmehere]

There's a chance he very much wants the same.

PTSD is a monster that can get in between. Maybe you two can work together to fight it, slowly. It will not be easy, but maybe it can be done.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

I truly hope this won't come across as harsh, but in my experience, isolation will not just stop. Is he in therapy? With PTSD isolation is like a coping mechanism. You shouldn't take it personally even though it hurts dreadfully. You can try to set boundaries, but whether he can follow them will depend on how well he is functioning, how much therapy he has had, how much he has allowed himself to trust you. When my ex would shut me out, it hurt me a great deal, but he said he could not always control it. I was with my sufferer for about 2.5 years and he isolated a few times- once for a few weeks, then a few months (missed my birthday, his birthday, Christmas) and then finally it has been 8 months now. I had to let go. Sometimes love is not enough. Again, everyone is different. Mine did therapy, but stopped when he could control his anger, but not his depression or "going dark" and numb.

I just know, from my experience and a lot of what I have read, PTSD does not mesh with our normal instincts. A relationship is a stressor - see the cup analogy. At some point they tend to shut down to regain equilibrium. As a romantically involved supporter, our instinct is - it is me - what did I do - what did he do - did he meet someone else??? More than likely, he is doing the bare minimum to function and sleeping. Relationships with a sufferer are not easy. I read somewhere that someone with PTSD sometimes gets stuck in a fight, flight or freeze response to stress or a perceived threat. It isn't a consciously thought out decision, it is a physical and psychological response. Put that way helped me a great deal in understanding to a degree.

If you are not responding to him as some kind of punishment or to show him how you felt, I do not think that will help. And it may have the opposite effect. In my opinion, extremely open and honest communication is the only hope for a relationship involving PTSD. If you love this man, you will have to accept that isolation will probably happen again. You need to set your boundaries and tell him what you will and what you cannot accept. Then you have to stand by that.

Again, every person is different. PTSD doesn't follow one set pattern. I wish you the best!!!! I sincerely hope it works out for you, whatever you decide.

 

[Barconian]

Tell him.

That may not always work :(

 

[Never Give Up]

I was with my sufferer for about 2.5 years and he isolated a few times- once for a few weeks, then a few months (missed my birthday, his birthday, Christmas) and then finally it has been 8 months now.

I had the same thing happen over the holidays. At first I was shocked and sickened by it. By the time my birthday came about in February, I almost expected nothing from my wife.

Question: if isolation is a coping mechanism, do sufferers really care about other's feelings and emotions during these times?
My whole family seems to be affected in our own way by the recent events.

 

[Justmehere]

Question: if isolation is a coping mechanism, do sufferers really care about other's feelings and emotions during these times?
My whole family seems to be affected in our own way by the recent events.

I can only speak for myself, but I care deeply. It doesn't stop me. :( It does lead me to explaining to people it's not about them, and doing other things to lessen the impact. I also do things that my therapist has taught me to not get too close or to take scheduled breaks from being close so I don't have to push people away.

When I shut people out I feel heart broken over doing so and very lonely... but I still do it.

When shut people out it is because being close to anyone has suddenly become as terrifying as a hungry grizzly bear chasing me and as overwhelming as 20 people dragging their fingernails down chalkboards at the same time.

It doesn't excuse my abandonment, it just is what it is.

 

[Justmehere]

That may not always work :(

So true :(

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

Question: if isolation is a coping mechanism, do sufferers really care about other's feelings and emotions during these times?
My whole family seems to be affected in our own way by the recent events.

I can only tell you that in my situation, my ex-sufferer told me that when he was like that he was numb and had ttrouble feeling compassion at all. But that was him, everyone is different.

And, yes, sometimes even communication, telling him how it affects or hurts you, doesn't even work. Sometimes they just stay away. Mine is gone. I love him still today. But I know he's gone.