pushed back into my shell after he witnesses any kind of resistance (curious who can relate)

[chrysaliscrushed]

well someone who participated in conceiving me (it makes my stomach turn about even thinking of calling him dad) has always been trying to fine tune me so that i suffice his vision of me (not mine), it got to the point of him insisting that i must stop taking my meds as well as stop getting therapy, primarily for cptsd and begin to take therapy from him instead (for the context he has no degree in psychotherapy or anything like that). once i came out as ftm for example.

he has always been trying to lock me into what stereotypical women do and like, e.g preoccupation with their appearance so as to look like models from magazine covers, "feminine" habits ("you must keep your room clean, for you're a girl"), obviously now it got even worse ("you were normal, you were a girl, what happened"), getting furious when i use pronouns that are comfortable for me and not comfortable for him when he hears me using them, attacking me for me using he/him instead of she/her. also asking me to look at myself in the mirror, get terrified of how ugly i am and begin doing something about it. during my childhood he was very very preoccupied about my posture to the point of forcing me to stand flat against walls for 15 mins or maybe even longer, slapping my back at unexpected moments, threatened he'd be doing that in public during our trip to UAE and took me to a quack several times who only cracked my back the way people crack their knuckles and "warned" me that i'd end up looking like somebody stomach-turning, not like a decent person, if i make my posture "ugly".

during the posture period if you will, mom, him and i were walking in the park and i slouched so he told me he'd "make me sad" once we get back home. as we did, he told me to hand him my laptop, which meant i got severed from my online friends, the only friends i had, for 3 months or so, only able to sneak into my brother's room to be online for a while and download some music for my button phone. when he gave me my laptop back he told me i could've taken it back at any point i wanted (i didn't because i was terrified of his anger) and made me promise i'd try my best to "grow up beautiful", the very evening that happened he saw me slouch and said "do you remember why i punished you in the first place, you don't want that to happen again do you". there are many other examples i suppose, my point being is i never dared resist or stand up for myself.

recently i was supposed to move out to an apartment which was for rent, and i sent a list of rules to the family group chat. he didn't like that one bit. he poured his usual stuff on me about how the universe doesn't hear the "no" particle thus what you send into it turns out to be the contrary simply because the universe sees a sentence with "no" as a sentence without "no" or any other negatory particle in speech, you get the idea. he went rage on me, both online and offline, with the exact same info, how he didn't like this as well as he demanded that i "pose no ultimatums" as if rules about what i don't want others to do in an apartment that belongs to me are ultimatums.

so now any interaction with him causes rapid heartbeat in me and my legs barely hold me at the times of the interactions. once i become financially stable i want to severe contact, i was thinking to keep contact with mom though but now i am not entirely sure.

 

[Rorster93]

Anyone who tells you not to get help for yourself is subject to immediate no contact. That means they don't want what's best for you, all they want is to control you. My abuser also persuaded me not to go to therapy or take medicine because it would put a stigma on me.

I went no contact with my mother. There are times when I think about her and wish she was a different person, but those moments are just moments and they pass. My life is better without her.

When I lived by myself in my own apartment paying my way by myself, I found that I can rely on myself to survive and I don't need anyone. I hope you find the same thing about yourself.

To be in your life is a privilege not afforded to everyone. Just because they are related to you does not give them a free pass to mistreat you.

 

[chrysaliscrushed]

Anyone who tells you not to get help for yourself is subject to immediate no contact. That means they don't want what's best for you, all they want is to control you. My abuser also persuaded me not to go to therapy or take medicine because it would put a stigma on me.

I went no contact with my mother. There are times when I think about her and wish she was a different person, but those moments are just moments and they pass. My life is better without her.

When I lived by myself in my own apartment paying my way by myself, I found that I can rely on myself to survive and I don't need anyone. I hope you find the same thing about yourself.

To be in your life is a privilege not afforded to everyone. Just because they are related to you does not give them a free pass to mistreat you.

Thank you for your reply. It is a relief another person can relate. I am very happy that it got better for you!

Yes, it is definitely in my plans to go no contact with the entirety of the family, now that I think of it mom included. I can't and pretty sure won't be able to forgive her for things she did and didn't do. She also keeps insisting, as well as my sister-in-law, that I need to forgive the man who is to blame of my birth because it is bad for me somehow that I hold grudges (also because apparently unresolved grudges are the reason for cancer). She keeps enduring abuse that has been happening to her for +30 years, she can continue enduring, I'm not going to.

Yes I agree so much, the fact that somebody is related to some people doesn't mean they owe them anything! When I sever any communication, they'd probably try to reach me and ask things such as «why did you do that», blame me etc. but they're not getting me back.