I saw my therapist, a week ago. I've tried to write about it several times, but I'm having a lot of difficulty coping, right now. I will say, that I felt very pissed off and edgy with her.
First of all, I feel like I've lost the trust I once had in her. I think I lost it, when I stopped seeing her, in March '07. I had finally had a good week, and at the end of the session, she said, "You don't need to come back." I felt like I still needed help, but when she said that, I felt like she took all the control away, that she always assured me that I had. I felt like she didn't want to deal with me, anymore, or she couldn't help me anymore.
Here is some of what the session went like:
T: How have you been doing?
M: Not very well. I've been having a lot of pain issues. I've been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and Interstitial Cystitis. I am in constant pain, I am very tense, and I'm having a lot of difficulty coping.
T: Why didn't you come back sooner?
M: When you said I didn't need to come back, I figured you didn't want to deal with me, anymore. I felt like you took back all the power you told me I had, and I did not feel welcome.
T: When I tell a client that they can come back, I'm giving you the power to come back when you want to.
M: Well, when you told me not to come back, I guess it eclipsed any power you may have tried to give back.
T: My records show that you were supposed to come back, two weeks later.
M: Yes, that was my next scheduled appointment, but you told me I didn't need to come back, so I didn't.
T: That's not what my records show. When was your exit interview?
M: What exit interview? I've never heard mention of it, until now.
It kind of went back and forth, like that. She made me feel very defensive, like I did something wrong, by not coming back.
She asked me about my marriage, which is not going as smoothly as I would like, right now. I don't like to get into that subject too much, because I know that my husband does not want me discussing him. The problems have a lot to do with the fact that I am not coping well, and can't get all the stuff done, that I should be doing.
She asked me about my children, whom I homeschool. I am very careful about what I tell her, because I don't want her to find some reason to take my kids away, or make me put them in public school. I'm sure she has the capacity to declare me unfit, in some way, and make my life very difficult. I explained to her that they were doing very well, although I have an unorthodox way of teaching. It's more of a child-led education, where they learn what they are interested in, at the time. She noted that my demeanor changed, when I spoke of my kids. I'm not surprised, since they are my life. My goal is to give them a happy, stress-free childhood. I know it's not always possible to keep stress out of their lives, as I am often stressed, and I know they feel it, but I try to keep my mask up for them.
She asked me if I was using drugs and/or alcohol. That made me feel like she was accusing me of abusing drugs. I told her that, besides the Percocet, that's it. I can't drink alcohol, anymore. I can't even have caffeine, anymore, including chocolate. She looked at me, like she didn't believe me. I really hate it, when people give me that look.
She asked me if I thought my pain was psychosomatic. Now, that really pissed me off. I've been diagnosed with two painful, chronic, incurable diseases, and she made it sound as if I'm making it all up. I told her that my pain was REAL. She sort of back pedaled a bit, and tried to assure me that she believes I'm in pain, but that did nothing to comfort the hurt that I felt. I feel like my physical pain is associated with my emotional pain, but I do not feel like I am bringing it on myself. I am trying everything I can, to ease the pain, albeit, unsuccessfully. I think the pain is more like my body's reaction to being tense all the time. After so many years of living in a state of high stress, it's taking it's toll.
In the 10 months that I saw her before, she never tried to hug me, as I made it clear that I am uncomfortable touching people. At the end of the session, she asked me if I wanted a hug. I said, "No." All in all, I felt very cold after the the session
Then, the receptionist was snooty with me, while trying to make a follow-up appointment, which isn't until Sept. 25. Something about how kids usually fill the afternoon appointments, so she likes to keep those times available for them, and school is starting soon. More bullshit, and once again, I don't matter.
I no longer feel comfortable with this therapist, and I really don't feel like this woman can help me, anymore. At the same time, the thought of starting over with someone new seems really daunting.
I'm stuck and struggling, and don't know what to do.
