Dear MesaRock,
I'm so glad you found this site. Hopefully you won't feel so alone in your pain.
A great resource that has brought me a lot of help is:
http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/
I have an incredibly wise trauma T, and he has worked with me extensively on coping resources and new ways of thinking, to minimize suicidal thinking.
Whenever I would tell him I was feeling suicidal, he would just calmly ask me who I was angry with. (!?)
At first I was completely unaware of feeling angry (that forbidden emotion).
Next, when I could learn to recognize the anger, I would then say, "I'm really angry and disgusted with myself." He wouldn't accept the self-hatred roiling inside me, he just kept gently pushing "Who are you angry with?" He kept asking that, even when I couldn't possibly be angry with anyone else (it wasn't safe for me to be angry).
Finally, one day, it was incredibly clear, I knew who I was angry with, and blurted out the name.
I talked about why, he asked me what I wanted to do about it. We went through various scenarios until I was ok. Then we'd do it again every time a suicidal thought came up.
The key is to externalize your anger! You're not allowed to be angry with yourself. That's the assignment, your practice.:)
There is more, but these are highlights that have saved my life.
Please, please self-nurture. Please do something's that bring you peace and healing. Since we get tunnel- vision when feeling suicidal and can't see solutions right next to us, I'll share a few of my favorite resources:
Reading a good book.
Going outside and being in nature, seeing beauty, enjoying birds, animals, watching clouds,...
Seeing a funny movie.
Remembering favorite places or activities (horses and scuba diving are some of my favorites)
Looking closely at the intricacy, colors, fragrances of flowers....
(Many more, apology gtg due pain issues) Hopefully others can add to the list...
I hope this helps!
You're not alone, Dear Heart! my heart and thoughts are with you!!!:hug:Deer
