General Basic Things I Know About PTSD As A Carer

[Nicolette]

This thread is for all to contribute to in order to help newer members or those newer to PTSD.

I may add more later on but here are things which come to mind now:

• While a PTSD Sufferer can love someone it does not mean they can sustain a fully committed, live together relationship
• The first people Sufferers' tend to push away are those closest to them as it is easier for them to deal with a stranger (who there is no consequence with) than deal with someone who they care for (emotions, feelings etc are required = extra stress)
• When a Sufferer is isolating it is best to let them be......set reasonable limits as not participating in life for lengthy periods is not healthy for them either
• Work out a way to communicate with them so they can tell you when they are not well so you then don't come home and overloaded their cup with your day's events
• PTSD is a selfish disorder and hurts many people
• A Carer must set and stick to firm boundaries - PTSD is not an excuse for violence or physical/verbal abuse
• When a Sufferer is ill and they have acted inappropriately - don't go on about it - be sharp, direct, short and then let them digest what you have said. You will often not get an immediate response; especially if they are already overloaded
• You have to have a thick skin to deal with the ramifications of PTSD
• If a Sufferer will not get help, go to therapy or take medication there is nothing you can do to force them to do it. You can however set limits and have consequences so you do not enable this behavior
• Give warning of upcoming events and remind your Sufferer so they can mentally prepare themselves. Don't be surprised if you sometimes end up going alone.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Nicolette,

I agree with the points above but also have one similar and yet disimilar experience to add to the point, "PTSD is a selfish disorder and hurts many people".

I went through a perios where I did just that: was both selfish and (through) my actions hurt others (I believe), although quite frankly apart from anger I "hid" things/ falling apart quite effectively. I suffered the most.

I would not quantify any disorder as selfish or unselfish so much as unmanaged or effectively managed. Or pehaps I am wrong, but much feels like 'survived' or 'unsurvived'.
For example, suicide is a higher-than the norm probability for those struggled with PTSD. Is that selfish, -"Yes". Is it also sometimes the equivalent of throwing yourself out of a window because your clothes are on fire (figuratively speaking)? -I think so.

After acting like a jerk for 4 years, and having not one clue as to what was happening to me, I spent the next 20+ years putting everyone else first. In particular because I thought that the symptoms and many of the manifestations of PTSD were just "me". But I still had PTSD.
So I think that though the tendency may be towards selfishness, due to fear, confusion, and basic faulty attempts at (literal) survival, PTSD is not necessarily a selfish disorder. Being a disorder, it has to be our responsibilty to accept and admit what we cannot handle/ bear. Not because of selfishness, but accepting our limitations. Perhaps 'my' limitations, is all I can refer to.

Anyway, JMHO, of course. But I don't think any behaviour is inevitable. Sometiomes we have to make better choices and kick our own arses (mine anyway).

 

[Nicolette]

Hi Junebug

Thank you for your contribution.

My definition of selfish is meaning that a PTSD Sufferers' needs usually have to come first in order to have a relationship with someone (as in this thread is from a Carer's perspective). If your Sufferer is ill a Carer often will be in a situation where PTSD can undo the best made plans or make your loved one 'disappear' or not be able to 'function' & you can feel very alone despite having someone there. A Sufferers' needs may, at times, have to come first as the illness can cause 'make or break situations' & sometimes even mean 'live of die'. I'm not saying it is bad or wrong - just a fact of the illness.

I did not say PTSD makes a Sufferer selfish - I said this illness is and by hurting many people that, IMHO, means the Sufferer as well.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thanks Nicolette.

I was in a rush this morning, but I guess I meant more clearly, that for myself, before understanding what ptsd involved for 2 decades (that is, just thinking it was "me"), I was always aware of "how" I could act/ react- I couldn't explain it but I very much came to the conclusion that taking responsibilty for that was still necessary after the fact. I mught not be able to control or stop the first, but I was responsible for afterwards.

I guess what I mean is, I hear a lot of people here remark that they are unsure as to how much their sufferer is "responsible" for, and I feel that the sufferer- like any other person, is responsible for treating others (and their SO) with thoughtfulness, love and respect. (It may follow a total meltdown, hopefully not- your points will help prevent that), but it still is a "basic" responsibilty of a sufferer, too, JIMHO. Just about every disorder or suffering on earth is awful, but our attitude towards it may be amendable.