Been Lurking, Ex Brit Mil, Ex Bosnia

[Jibby]

Hi,

Have been lurking here for a while, reading, smiling at times (at the banter) and thinking “thats me/I do that” reading other's experiences, not to mention thinking “my struggle isnt so big as many”. Signed up to the other forum few months ago and they told me about this place. Not really posted much over there since.

Am a Brit, ex-mil, problems started on a Bosnia tour in early/mid 90s. No contacts on the tour, nor any other op tour have done apart so not sure if my problems are classed combat ptsd, wasn't physically injured, nor saw any colleagues killed or injured, but exposed to a shedload of extremely graphic aftermaths of I guess what they called ethnic cleansing (everything needs a label, right?). The nightmares and flashbacks I get centre on one event where I dream it is my kids in the scenario. Only ever had two waking flashbacks; oddly (or not) both times when surprised suddenly by groups of flies/maggots. Years of nightmares at different times, worst when going to sleep sober.

That's more than 99.9% of people in the offline world know of me, including lifelong mates, and thats how I want it to stay, nor do I want to talk about what happened further here or anywhere else. Quite common I guess.

Am also fixated (and I can see the irrationality of it, but hey) that similar will happen here some day and terrified for my kids that it will. Watching the news sometimes terrifies me (recently Syria etc) or get way too angry. I think I lost complete faith in all humanity on that tour, before it I think I was a complete carefree guy just up for a bit of party, travel, banter and military way of life. I've never seen cultures side by side hate to that level as did in Balkans, and that includes from NI. I PVRd asap after that tour and drifted between jobs but kept it all in for years since, whilst I self-medicated with way too much pot (cannabis), cocaine and ecstacy, but mainly alcohol. Alcohol and pot still used a lot today. Diagnosed and treated twice since with depression before getting a diagnosis of PTSD end of last year.

Now on my 1000th different type of medication from doc over last 10 yrs (latest being temazepam and duloxetine) and attended a shedload of CBT.

Never was an aggressive person, and am hoping no longer am (with maturity?) but had way too many bouts of self-inflicted violence since, by which I mean explosions of anger (at everything and nothing) where I'd purposely put myself in ridiculous situations where I would get (and deserve) a kicking, or whacking some poor guy for no reason or because he said the wrong thing at the wrong time. Managed to keep in check around wife and children, but can get verbally aggressive for no real reason at random times around close mates/family. Sometimes fixated with the 'world owes me something, have some respect' to others in too many situations.

Wake a lot during the night and can be up usually at 3-4am, pacing a room with eyes likes saucers, like this morning. Not drunk, stoned or monged out on meds, but just buzzed.

I couldn't accept, or wouldn't accept there were PTSD issues, tried to convince self that only too many contacts in armed conflict (which had not experienced) caused it and was kind of embarrassed that I was just 'weak minded' and just needed to 'get a grip'. Again, not uncommon I guess though hopefully the guys and gals in Afghan and previously Iraq get better insight of potential problems than we did back in the day. Not sure even now if my problem is PTSD, but know everything changed on that tour and I definitely have/had since a big problem of something.

No real interest in anything. All house admin and 80% of raising kids has been her efforts. Pretty cold and numb to others. Don't really like physical contact. The general population outside front door at best I can ignore, at worst piss me off. Yeah life for mrs jibby is a blast! Love her to bits though, if not for her think I would be dead now (we met shortly after end of tour in Bosnia). I kept Bosnia from her until Dec last year, when I showed her a written piece I had done for my therapist (sanitised down). I don't know why I did. Have not wanted to discuss, talk or mention since and initially pissed off she was now tainted with it, and that she knew. Crap of me, but.

I'm going to be told I am losing my job of 9 years tomorrow, but with a pay off and wife being good with money have enough for rainy day to last a year of mortgage, bills etc but am gutted am letting wife down again (my fault losing job, poor mental health related).

Which brings me to current situation. My CBT is going ok, am on session 8, but can't get past the point where am going to talk about the scenes that are in, or cause, the nightmares. He has mentioned something about 'rewalking back through the scene' and having safe havens to go back to on the 'walk'. Has anyone tried this? Am convinced nothing is going to 'cure' me though and the therapist is not the problem, its me (sounds like some duff break up line! ).

 

[Jimmy1]

Hey Jibby,

First of all welcome. The only person who can really judge whether you belong is the site's admin/creator who's name is Anthony. He will check out your intro and maybe message you, either way you will find out.

These are the rules:

Who Is This Forum For?

This forum is for combat veterans only, not that you served in the military and have PTSD, but you physically deployed to a combat zone itself and were either land or sea based (in direct naval or air support), and you have PTSD as a direct result of your combat service. No exceptions!

As for CBT, well different therapies work differently on different people. I went through CBT during the anger management part of the course. It basically teaches you to change your way of thinking.
Any therapy for that matter is good and is necessary if to be able to improve your quality of life, so keep it up.
Quite often veterans will get stuck with particularly nasty traumas, that is why they invented other therapies like EMDR and Brainspotting. With Brainspotting I was required to build a safe place in my mind. We then practised a few times talking about dealt with traumas until my levels increased, then relaxing back to my safe place.

I am starting to waffle here. If Anthony decides you don't belong, then there are heaps of good people on the other forum, if he decides you belong, sit down and have a read and ask all the questions you want.

Cheers mate.

Jimmy

 

[Jibby]

No worries, and thanks for heads up re criteria Jimmy. Sounds fair enough.

That (brainspotting) sounds pretty much what the guy was saying would happen, or the plan anyway, so thanks again. Knowing am going to have to take plunge on it at some point (unless don't want anything to change if don't try, which definitely do not want). Seems like rock bottom is in the post on its way, so whats there to lose. :)

 

[Jimmy1]

Your on the money there mate. I think everyone needs to hit rock bottom.

 

[Jimmy1]

My understanding of brainspotting is that the therapist first gets you to find a safe place, somewhere where you can go in your mind. Once this is established, and established well so you can go there at any time, the therapist then works on different eye cues by getting you to move your eyes around to different spots on the wall. I found it amazing that I felt anger at different spots and calm at others anyway, the therapist used to get me to stare at a spot that aroused my anger etc, then get me to talk about an incident and the events leading up to it. I never had to actually talk about the whole incident.

The whole safe place thing was for when all hope was lost and I was feeling really down I would go to that place.

Anyway, I might be talking in circles right now, pretty tired.

Jimmy

 

[Jibby]

Not at all Jimmy (on circles), helps here, makes sense. Know more than I did already just with what it might be called so can read further on it, or what he was suggesting if it is that. Am a bit all over the place on memory/head/whats best/whats not.

Therapist might have used that term, or another, but when out of the session couldn't remember, just remembered some of the process he was talking. He photocopies bullet point notes he makes whilst session is ongoing and gives me copy at home time, but cant see a name for what he suggested in notes.

Fear of unknown (ignorance) etc etc of what the treatment involved, after near 17 years of STFU about it from me to in the space of 4-5 mnths of telling nobody to this, am worried things are happening too fast in talking/writing about it to anyone, let alone therapist. He encourages me to research what he suggests on internet, so tick in the box for him and question primed next session.

Thanks again Jimmy. Appreciated.

 

[Lee C]

Welcome m8, im still serving but getting Med Discharged for the "Beast" amongst other close shaves i had. I have 24 years service under my belt and also served Op Granby, Bosnia x 3 and finally Afghan 07 where he eventually caught me up, i.e "Beast" and Mr RPG.
Breadth of knowledge from more or less every continent who have or maybe know something that helps at that point in time;)

 

[Ned]

Hello mate. All understood, and familiar. I too saw things in Bos I didn't like very much. Enough said. You qualify.
Hope that this place and these people help you as much as they've helped me.

 

[Jibby]

Thanks Ned and Lee. Does help a shedload when reading here, being able to identify with guys from all over and all decades who came through the experience of just being in uniform so speak it properly enough to make sense, but more help me seeing whats happening now to them, because so much fits in how and what I think/do/chaotically live etc.

Reassures me not such the nutter (no offence meant to anyone :) ) and am not the only one experiencing the madness so its not me causing it all or just my head. Don't mean what happened back then wherever (because everyones experiences are their own) but what its doing to you now. Kind of eriee its all similiar or parts ring so true.

Sometimes wish Bosnia was constant contacts instead of sitting in middle of maddest mad hatters tea party have ever seen helpless to change it. But then feel guilt to guys who do get an op tour of constant contacts. I probably think too much. o_O But thanks guys. Even if dont post too much again, least know the crap in your heads, and you putting it out there has helped this small corner of humanity alot.

 

[Ned]

Sometimes wish Bosnia was constant contacts instead of sitting in middle of maddest mad hatters tea party have ever seen helpless to change it. But then feel guilt to guys who do get an op tour of constant contacts. I probably think too much. quote]

Jibby, we all think too much. That's why we are where we are. Bos was f##king mad, but so was NI and G1, you are allowed to be a bit of a nutter.
Any questions mate, just ask. Anglesachs and Alan Todd and Lee can all answer on Bos, too

 

[Jimmy1]

I read your intro again last night mate, (never comment when you head is on wrong) welcome to the forum.

Hi, Am a Brit, ex-mil, problems started on a Bosnia tour in early/mid 90s. No contacts on the tour, nor any other op tour havedone apart so not sure if my problems are classed combat ptsd, wasn't physically injured, nor saw any colleagues killed or injured, but exposed to a shedload of extremely graphic aftermaths of I guess what they called ethnic cleansing (everything needs a label, right?). The nightmares and flashbacks I get centre on one event where I dream it is my kids in the scenario. Only ever had two waking flashbacks; oddly (or not) both times when surprised suddenly by groups of flies/maggots. Years of nightmares at different times, worst when going to sleep sober.

Did not see the part on operation tour or the whole NI thing. You have deployed to a combat zone and have PTSD because of it so you fit right in.

The whole Bosnia thing would have been pretty screwed up. I know guys who had to drag bodies out of wells in East Timor. It's not a real nice task, and they had nightmares for years.

Hope we can help mate.

Jimmy

 

[Jibby]

Guys, what can I say? Except thanks again. Hopefully can continue support in dealing with it, and one day return some to somebody else, here or wherever else, however small. Knowing you're not alone completely does help alot.

Just a tough too fast route at the moment, but then go from that to just wanting to talk, talk, talk, not shut up within mins and then back to not again, but guessing not alone in that. Will keep reading/learning.