Been Lurking, Ex Brit Mil, Ex Bosnia

[Jibby]

If you don't mind telling about it (walk through) once you've tried it, I'd be interested.
Hope it turns out useful.

He phoned in sick on Weds, and they rang me at 9am to tell me 2 hrs before session start.

Relieved as I was peed off tbh, was stressing about it. Rescheduled for same time next Weds.

 

[Ned]

He phoned in sick on Weds, and they rang me at 9am to tell me 2 hrs before session start.
Relieved as I was peed off tbh, was stressing about it. Rescheduled for same time next Weds.

OK mate. In a way that lets you get your head ready a bit more, and he's going to be all apologetic. Wait and see. Thanks for the update, I'd like to know how it goes.

 

[Jibby]

No worries, Ned.

 

[Squirt]

Combat stress seemed pretty good on the phone, not seeing one of their welfare (waiting to see what the NHS route can achieve) but their phone lines are 24hrs and they can explain their system to you. They were really nice but they can get mega busy so you can either text them and have them call you back or email them or just keep trying on the phone lines. Its all on their site. The difference with them to regular doctors/therapists is that they instantly know our background to a degree from us calling. You dont have to spell it out for them. Hope this helps.

 

[tho9900]

welcome Jibby and these guys can steer you through the system better... know the not up and personal with combat but saw too much thing... saw the Iraqis throwing people on a bonfire... I swear this little girl was still alive.. seen my share of other stuff too.. welcome... and like I said I can't help you with the other part... but know what you are talking abt...

 

[Anglesachse]

I remember a therapist when I was in the clinic, that turned up 30 min late for a scheduled appointment, no info on him going to be late, so after 15 mins I f*cked off and went about by daily shit.

He walked into the kitchen where I was doing myself a brew, and started "Mr V, you weren`t there for our session, anything wrong?"

I hit the f*ckin` roof, and told him in that very polite typical Brit way "F*ck off and don`t waste my f*cking time" He was never late again LOL

Seriously, punctuality is a real big issue with me. Maybe from the Military, I don`t know. We were just taught never to be late, because it could (in the wrong place at the wrong time) cost an Oppo his life. Civvies just don`t get it.

Most Docs and Therapists I go see, all know this now, and I never have to wait more than 5 minutes. To many have caught there share of the "Puntuality Demons Wrath"

 

[Jibby]

Thanks Squirt for the info. Lurking at the back of my mind that they're there, and keep being offered (maybe my therapist is giving up on me in exasperation, or I'm paranoid), and might give them a look when or if done with NHS. I think when I got out in 96 I tried to demilitarise myself completely, I don't know who to trust just thought somebody who had no military background might see it differently but maybe I'm thinking about it wrong way round.

The military and war did my nut in tbh, and to avoid it up until the last 7-8 years I just wanted to forget I was ever in. If anyone asked my background I'd ignore that bit. I don't trust them anymore. I know Combat Stress aren't serving or MoD but I just don't know. I did a 6 month Op Telic tour (last Telic 13, end of an era/error and all that) in 08/09 as a civvy and f**k knows why.

It was a job all within the wire of COB Basra and inside the port at Um Qasr and only saw Iraq outside the wire from a merlin going briefly down to Beuhring in Kuwait to get to Kuwait Intl airport or over to Umm Qasr, but it kind of hit refresh on what bollocks it all was. The way was treated me on return just hit refresh again as well. Don't know why I did that tour, the money I think or was I trying to cure myself in some sick twisted way, more likely the popstar ridiculous wages. It was a mistake I think, their money adds to the guilt if that makes sense. Make big money out of war. And a military I'd grown to hate. That makes me the F'king hypocrite and a sell out. I can't have hated it that much could I. I know I hate me right now, so angry, twisted.

I don't know anymore, maybe thats all mashed in my head on top of the Bos, I am done with anything military I think. But realise it might take Combat Stress to nail it, I just want to get better.

tho9900, I hear you mate, and thanks. F*cking humans or humanity is sick. Do we ever learn? Bos, Iraq and now Syria. Its mad. All of it. Where next? I struggle to not fixate it won't be here and my kids on the recieveing end one day, tonight's a bad one I've not slept since Friday morning apart from 2hrs this afternoon because everytime I lie down I get spooked that its coming I think which is irrational as it is ridiculous. This is the worst its been since 95. The farking winds we have this weekend dont help, just jump at everything wired off my tits. I've dropped 3x10mg temazepam and another 2 tonight, they don't even touch the sides. I think I'm fecked properly this time. I'm not even tired, just wired.

My eldest son is in the cadets and loves it all already, desperate to talk about solidering and asking questions kids ask about wars when they think its like Call of Duty on the playstation or playing with toy guns. Totally freaking innocent but it kills me. Asks where my medals are after he found out I had them. Medals. Why did I ever mention it to him, when they were maybe somewhere under piles of boxes in the garage somewhere. WTF. And Wtf am I supposed to say now he asks? Not poison him with my version of what people do to each other when it all goes off, thats for sure, but its hard. I'm poisoned, if I poison him I'm dead.

He's on a weekend camp coming up based out of where I was, yeah story of my life, join up to get out in the world, pass out of ctc and drafted a bike ride from my mum's house. Even driving past the place for years spun me out, now he wants 1000 questions on it and is spending a weekend there. You couldn't make it up.

I didn't deploy to Bos with my unit, I was detached, and when I got back that time nobody gave a F*ck. "you were just escorting food convoys, whats up". I never escorted any food convoys, but who was going to listen. PTSD was never mentioned back then and some of the old and bold pre-herrick/telic giving it stacks. Don't tell me Belfast or South Armagh was anything like. I'd been there, it was nothing like. F*cked up in its own right sure, but nothing like. They knew sh*t really, even less than I did about what happens to people when everything goes f*ucking nuts. I'd seen the other side of their pointless exercises and could never do it again. Left or leaves me bitter even now, especially now I guess.

And yeah Angle, thats part of me that never left, be on time everytime. On time will always mean at least 5 mins before so does my nut in as well.

Am really sorry have dripped on. Just writing it down helps I guess, and theres nowhere else, but I just seem to take take from this place. Wish I could offer something back, but I can't help myself let alone anyone else right now, wish I could. You guys have helped just reading your own monsters, even if its to know I'm not just going f*cking more and more nuts. I've had enough of this, I just can't switch off from it. It won't ever end I don't think, it is me and has been me for too long. You guys help me.

 

[reddevil1111]

Welcome and I know you will fit right in. Sorry your messed up but this is the best place if you are. You are among peers. Different combat in different places in different uniforms but we are all the same inside. Glad your here.

 

[Lee C]

Jibby: Not stealing your thunder mate but here is my angle on it.
You did your job and thats all it was mostly i gather from inside the wire. This is me being honest for the fist couple of months on Herrick i used to think what the f*** do they do inside the wire whilst i am living like an animal until the only thing i looked forward to was everyhing that came from inside the wire. One doesnt work without the other mate, FACT !
Human beings are f***up mate, simple,easy one to answer but its suprising what we can do to each other.
Nasty drug Temazepam if it aint working dont use it please mate !
I play BF3 and COD but its make beleive mate, i get shot and carry on, i got shot in real life and funny enough i didnt carry on ( on the plus side i can fly heli's and planes on BF3!) Its two seperate sides to a coin but if it upsets you explain, it worked with my 10 and 8 year old, but thats me m8, everyone is different.
Medals, i dont wear my anymore due to being on my way out on a medical discharge on a few areas especially mental health. There will come a time when you can get them out mate :)
My mate has, and some on here have it too, PTSD from NI, i never got the pleasure or displeasure to serve there but you can see it in his eyes.
Anyway what am i trying to say, theres fellow PTSD sufferers that are here to help m8.

P.S What wind was pretty mad last night. Missus moved one cat from underneath a tree, she has to drive as i was smacked off my tits on meds and it was 4 in the morning, only time its helped me out !

 

[Jimmy1]

Medals, i dont wear my anymore due to being on my way out on a medical discharge on a few areas especially mental health. There will come a time when you can get them out mate :)

Hey Lee, I did not wear mine for a few years either. I blamed the military for kicking me out when I was not ready. I blamed the military for my PTSD. Hell, I blamed the military and everybody else for my whole screwed up life.

But one day I woke up to the fact that they are only following rules and orders themselves. Otherwise we would have all sorts of wankers serving. Sorry, my mistake, we still do.

Anyway, the medals were given to you for your service. They don't represent the government, or anything else, they represent your time and where you have gone. Your kids will one day wear them with pride when your gone. One day your kids will ask mate, my boy did. My two boys went to the dawn service with me on ANZAC day and my step-son went too. For the kids to get out of bed in the wee hours, the least I could do was show some pride.

You will in your own time mate, just don't throw them away in anger like a lot of veterans do. Then after therapy and recovery, they go looking for them. I know in Australia you can only have them issued once.

Cheers

Jimmy

 

[Jibby]

Thanks Lee, you make sense. I finally got some sleep, but puked up the last temazepam (6th 10mg tab in 24 hrs...that can't be good, so least know my guts are switched on if even if the brain is gone), so hear you on the meds. If they don't work, just taking more is dickhead time. I'm not drinking at the moment, or smoking pot, so just can't close my eyes and switch off and thought they'd tick the box. They didn't.

Hope I didn't come across as a dick to what you are. My disilluisonment to all things military doesn't extend to any of you guys or what we all were, or still are in your case. Half my estate joined up various arms (yeah, not much else to do in deepest, darkest Somerset at 16) with me so still have very close mates in who I grew up with just coming to end of their 22, who are hoofing guys and the salt of the earth and respect to them all. I still keep in touch with 2 or 3 old oppo's from when I was in who are now scattered all over the country.

It's the whole military machine/foreign policy of how those guys and girls, and us then were used that grips me. War is sh*t, but none of you need telling that. When your kid seems so enthusiastic about that way of life you just want to shake rattle the poor little sod. He reminds me of how I was growing up so much and that scares me as well.

And no disrespect to those on the NI merry go round back in the day in what I said, hope I didn't come across like that, I was just talking about how it was for me after end of my tour in Bosnia. Without wanting to go in to who or what I was then, I was in the Grovesner Rd RUC station as advanced party for our upcoming west belfast tour in early 90s when the provo's OG'd a bomb not much more than a motorway's width away in a chippie on the shankill, so know a little of how screwed up that place was. And not to go all "pull up a sandbag" on anyone the worst it got for me was flying out of the police station that day, to be told by the RUC matey boy on the gate to "just run the feckers over" about 4-5 pissed up locals who'd come down to the station and to kick off outside the gate after the bomb had gone off, so I got lucky on NI tours. It wasn't Bosnia for me.

 

[Anglesachse]

.......................did a 6 month Op Telic tour (last Telic 13, end of an era/error and all that) in 08/09 as a civvy and f**k knows why............

Jibby Mate. that is an issue that has been spoken about many a time on here. We all have our gripes and complaints about the military, But even today in the f*cked up state we are, the majority of us would go back in a heart beat if we had the chance. The kick, the hit, drug, rush what ever you want to call it, it is the feeling of being alive, being the best. We all know it

.......................I just want to get better.............

And you will, Yeah it`s no easy road, and you need to work on it on a daily basis, And I ain`t gonna lie. There will be days when the world falls in on you. But it does get better, It gets easier, and the shit days get fewer

.......................My eldest son is in the cadets and loves it all already, desperate to talk about solidering and asking questions kids ask about wars......where my medals are after he found out I had them. Medals. Why did I ever mention it to him, when they were maybe somewhere under piles of boxes in the garage somewhere. WTF. And Wtf am I supposed to say now he asks? Not poison him with my version of what people do to each other when it all goes off, thats for sure, but its hard. I'm poisoned, if I poison him I'm dead...............

I got to a point where I would chew my nippers head off when he would point his cap pistol at me or the misses. Took years untill I could explain to him why. He is 12 now, and we chat often about Military stuff and (less the detials) I am straight up and honest with him.

He knows I am screwed because of the army, but he also knows I would be so proud if he joined when old enough. I knows he can talk to be about shit.

When I was a nipper myself, Neither my old man nor either of my grandparents spoke a word about what they went through. I wanted to know, because coming from a military family, it was daily life. Kids have allways got questions, and they understand what you tell them, You don`t need to go into gory details, I even tell my son, when I don`t what to go into the details on it, and he can now accept that, he also knows that after we have chatted that I need a bit of time for my self. He is then happy (even at 12) to just sit on my lap and cuddle. Just a couple of minutes with out speaking, but he has learnt that some things are still jus so damn personal.

.......................He's on a weekend camp coming up based out of where I was, yeah story of my life, join up to get out in the world, pass out of ctc and drafted a bike ride from my mum's house. Even driving past the place for years spun me out, now he wants 1000 questions on it and is spending a weekend there. You couldn't make it up..............

Yeah I can totaly relate to that too. When I eventualy accepted help in the clinic I was in, I started opening up to the therapist who was having a nightmare with me. Only after I explained to her that the Psychiatric Clinic had been built on an old Brit Army camp that had closed in 1993, and that I had served 5 f*cking years on the camp and knew (due to my trade) who had lived in which blocks, what regiments had which blocks, and worst of all who had died from which block and which room, in the course of 5 years from tours to NI, Gulf, and Bos. did she understad why I wasn`t reacting to the meds and therapie as normal. But that is where I learnt to talk about shit better.

And you are totaly right, you couldn`t make the shit up, not even spielberg could think the shit up to be able to make a movie about it. But it is our lives. and there are loads of people out there who don`t get it.

.......................Am really sorry have dripped on. Just writing it down helps I guess, and theres nowhere else, but I just seem to take take from this place. Wish I could offer something back, but I can't help myself let alone anyone else right now, wish I could. You guys have helped just reading your own monsters, even if its to know I'm not just going f*cking more and more nuts. I've had enough of this, I just can't switch off from it. It won't ever end I don't think, it is me and has been me for too long. You guys help me.

Simply put Jibby cocker, you ask a question, or make a statement, and some one will answer. You get it of your chest, which is good for you. We can assist as and when we are able, which is good for us. And at the end of the day just talking about shit, helps us both. So believe it or not, just you askng a question helps us all.

Every time you write one of us will see a different take on the beast, maybe one of us hadn`t looked at it like that before and hey presto, something falls into place with one of us. That is what the site is about.

Tuppence from a tired old man