My T told me that she doesn't think that I am suicidal, but that I have a protective part that sees suicide as a way to protect me from pain.
She told me ( this is what I understood from what she said anyway) that people who are suicidal are depressed and that it is a more of a constant feeling that can keep getting worst. ( I really wish I could record and replay our sessions. Im not sure if I'm getting this right). I think that main point was that it is continuous over a period of time, rather than sudden.
This part I am more clear about from our conversation.
She said that when the thought "I want to kill myself" loops through my head, that this is a protective part and not me actually wanting to kill myself. This happens some days as I am driving to work, or if I think about something I feel I said or did wrong. When I recognize it, I tell myself to stop. I was thinking that maybe this looping thought was some kind of OCD.
I also have times that I am triggered or overwhelmed and I suddenly want to kill myself. It feels like it comes out of nowhere. This usually comes with a feeling of "this is never going to end" and then my mind starts thinking through how I can do it. When I recognize the "never going to end" feeling, I usually reach out for my supports. I find this really scary because it hits so hard and so fast. I am worried that one day I will go through with it. Again, this is not me but part of me that is trying to protect me from pain. What my T says makes sense to me. I generally don't feel like I am suicidal. I really like some aspects of my life and I have lots of plans for the future.
I am wondering what others experience. Does this make sense? Can you relate?
She told me ( this is what I understood from what she said anyway) that people who are suicidal are depressed and that it is a more of a constant feeling that can keep getting worst. ( I really wish I could record and replay our sessions. Im not sure if I'm getting this right). I think that main point was that it is continuous over a period of time, rather than sudden.
This part I am more clear about from our conversation.
She said that when the thought "I want to kill myself" loops through my head, that this is a protective part and not me actually wanting to kill myself. This happens some days as I am driving to work, or if I think about something I feel I said or did wrong. When I recognize it, I tell myself to stop. I was thinking that maybe this looping thought was some kind of OCD.
I also have times that I am triggered or overwhelmed and I suddenly want to kill myself. It feels like it comes out of nowhere. This usually comes with a feeling of "this is never going to end" and then my mind starts thinking through how I can do it. When I recognize the "never going to end" feeling, I usually reach out for my supports. I find this really scary because it hits so hard and so fast. I am worried that one day I will go through with it. Again, this is not me but part of me that is trying to protect me from pain. What my T says makes sense to me. I generally don't feel like I am suicidal. I really like some aspects of my life and I have lots of plans for the future.
I am wondering what others experience. Does this make sense? Can you relate?