Being Swallowed Up....

[mrsmegan]

Depression is starting to take over. For the first time ever - I officially "quit" over the weekend. We were supposed to go out of town for a family wedding, on Saturday morning I just threw in the towel - I couldn't do it. So my husband and kids went without me - because I just could not function.

I can barely get out of bed in the mornings, my head is foggy and all over the place, I am feeling disconnected from everyone, and just want to curl up in a corner, cry, and disappear.

Every time I get into the car - I am wishing someone would just hit me, just put me out of my misery. I don't want to kill myself - but I don't want to do this anymore.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

I'm sorry you're feeling so discouraged right now. Wishing you some nurturing and lasting relief soon.

I quit attending formal gatherings a long time ago due to my overwhelming sensory issues and my growing dislike of crowds. Homey can't hang with that scene and was miserable in many ways by trying to force myself. I now celebrate the reason for the gatherings with the individuals the best ways I can, and people are more understanding than I expected, after the initial shock wore off and I explained several times over. I was a f/t stepmom to two who have now grown and gone and felt incredibly awkward and left out, but my health suffered if I forced things, so I had to choose.

I understand how it makes the already painful feelings feel even heavier, like you've somehow let them down since it's such a deep familial/societal expectation. But I think I was letting them down even more by trying to outwardly be all that I wasn't and creating layer on top of layer of an ever growing internal hell. What you're really doing by not going is finally being fully there for yourself by recognizing what you need, in my opinion, and it's weird as hell to the one doing it and to the families because it just isn't the typical "norm".

Depressed = deep rest in my mind. Maybe you could use this time to try some deep breathing exercises, take a nice hot bath with epsom salts, nap, eat some nurturing things you love, maybe start a journal or letter to get the feelings out (burn it if you don't want it read by others), scream into your pillow, take a long walk, call your T if you have one, find one if you don't, if it's an option, and be especially kind to yourself. Take good care of you. You're the only you you've got.