Recently, this week. I've been in contact with a person on the school who you can talk to if you having a hard time (don't know what the term/word is in english). Began to talk with her about a thought that I had about 1 week ago.
I've been listening alot on a song called "Lithium" with Evanescence last week. And payed attention in the chorus. Especially this part in the chorus: "Lithium, I wanna stay in love with my sorrow. Oh but god, I wanna let it go...". I began to think: "Hey, that's me".
- I did search for Lithium on google and got the answer that it is a metal and also medicin, mainly for Bipolar. What is bipolar? I read about it, and it almost blow my mind of...I really do recognize myself totally when I read in symptoms, causes and other. I know that I should let experts do some tests if I'm really are bipolar.
Also read that Bipolar, for most who has it will have to deal with it to the end of their lives, and also some is claiming that people who are artistic do have bigger chance to get into bipolar, and yes. I am artistic and drawing about my thoughts and past.
When I read that, it make me think back that I really was depressed in my childhood. I moved to Sweden when I was 6-7 years old
- My biological dad left me and my mom when I was about 4 years old. We moved to Sweden, cause my mom was in love with a man, and he became my first stephfather. First years was great, until he began to invite his friends to drink when I was sleeping next to the livingroom where they were drinking. He wasn't addicted to alcohol and he was also clear in his mind, even if he was drunk and kind to me. I did like him actually. But my mom didn't like it and did argue and fight against him. Lately, she found another one. It was this man who got PTSD in me. He who kicked me out of the house and threatened me and my mom. I was frightened to death honestly. When I was 16, my mom found a new one. A good one, he was a cop. Finally I felt safe. But their relationship didn't work, but they got a kid together.
- With this "daddy", I know that my life would have seen different if I had a dad. Doesn't matter if I would have a stephfather or my real dad. If I just would have same "dad" in my whole childhood who'd raise me, teach me and talk to...my life would have been different.
- I didn't really think that I was sad and depressed the years when I was 8-13. It was until I was 13 years old that I said to myself that I was depressed, but didn't know the cause. But now I know that it was because of the "daddy-thing" in my childhood.
So, I guess that I've been depressed since I was a small child. I wasn't social at all when I moved to Sweden. I rarely bringed some friends home after school. Cause I was afraid if they would react when they saw beer cans and bottles all over the house. "What would they think?!" And of course, since I didn't bring them home they didn't want to be my friends and didn't talk much to me either. Instead, I was in my room and wasting my life away with drawing, listening to music and was alone. The root with my social problems began here and would be a part of my personality.
Daddy-thing and the shame to bringing friends home, who made me the lonely one really made me depressed when I was a small child and would follow on...
I know that many people don't want to be depressed or being psychically ill. But, somehow...this depression that I have is who I am. For many years, it has made me who I am today, you know that you shouldn't change yourself if someone else demands it. Just let it change naturally. But..this sorrow, I don't if my reason is a good reason why I want to stay with it. I feel safe when I know that I have something to return when everything else fails. The sorrow, that solitary ground I can walk on when the bridges is burning.
- When I continue on reading about Bipolar...the manic periods. Yes, I do remember few years ago when I have periods when I suddenly got the best esteem in the world, more energy, doing stuff as soon I got the idea, didn't feel that I need sleep, I could be angry over the smallest things and could have big argues with people without any big reasons. And then falling back into black depression... Those periods have ruined my years on high school here in Sweden. I did got alot of people at the end who hated me. I didn't have good grades. I didn't know what the cause was then. I think that I recently had a "manic period". But nothing much happened.
1 week before I ended high school, I was diagnosed with PTSD. Before and after I got the diagnose, I do have flashbacks all the time about that horrible night. And after that night, I've been dreamin nightmares 95% of all times when I sleep (my dreams is often about those people who hate me in high school, being chased and monsters) and waking up all the time soaked in sweat. I also have hard to fall into sleep.
It really do go up and down all the time. But it has never been fine. Ever! I don't even know why I am writing down half of my life and if it makes any sense. And you maybe think why I haven't think back if I was depressed in my childhood? The thing is that I have repressed it, until now. Cause I've been thinking and focused all the time about this PTSD.
It really is a mess in my head right now. Might be waste of my time. I don't know. So...Bipolar. I know that experts should take a look.
That's my story and thoughts. Might be strange...
I've been listening alot on a song called "Lithium" with Evanescence last week. And payed attention in the chorus. Especially this part in the chorus: "Lithium, I wanna stay in love with my sorrow. Oh but god, I wanna let it go...". I began to think: "Hey, that's me".
- I did search for Lithium on google and got the answer that it is a metal and also medicin, mainly for Bipolar. What is bipolar? I read about it, and it almost blow my mind of...I really do recognize myself totally when I read in symptoms, causes and other. I know that I should let experts do some tests if I'm really are bipolar.
Also read that Bipolar, for most who has it will have to deal with it to the end of their lives, and also some is claiming that people who are artistic do have bigger chance to get into bipolar, and yes. I am artistic and drawing about my thoughts and past.
When I read that, it make me think back that I really was depressed in my childhood. I moved to Sweden when I was 6-7 years old
- My biological dad left me and my mom when I was about 4 years old. We moved to Sweden, cause my mom was in love with a man, and he became my first stephfather. First years was great, until he began to invite his friends to drink when I was sleeping next to the livingroom where they were drinking. He wasn't addicted to alcohol and he was also clear in his mind, even if he was drunk and kind to me. I did like him actually. But my mom didn't like it and did argue and fight against him. Lately, she found another one. It was this man who got PTSD in me. He who kicked me out of the house and threatened me and my mom. I was frightened to death honestly. When I was 16, my mom found a new one. A good one, he was a cop. Finally I felt safe. But their relationship didn't work, but they got a kid together.
- With this "daddy", I know that my life would have seen different if I had a dad. Doesn't matter if I would have a stephfather or my real dad. If I just would have same "dad" in my whole childhood who'd raise me, teach me and talk to...my life would have been different.
- I didn't really think that I was sad and depressed the years when I was 8-13. It was until I was 13 years old that I said to myself that I was depressed, but didn't know the cause. But now I know that it was because of the "daddy-thing" in my childhood.
So, I guess that I've been depressed since I was a small child. I wasn't social at all when I moved to Sweden. I rarely bringed some friends home after school. Cause I was afraid if they would react when they saw beer cans and bottles all over the house. "What would they think?!" And of course, since I didn't bring them home they didn't want to be my friends and didn't talk much to me either. Instead, I was in my room and wasting my life away with drawing, listening to music and was alone. The root with my social problems began here and would be a part of my personality.
Daddy-thing and the shame to bringing friends home, who made me the lonely one really made me depressed when I was a small child and would follow on...
I know that many people don't want to be depressed or being psychically ill. But, somehow...this depression that I have is who I am. For many years, it has made me who I am today, you know that you shouldn't change yourself if someone else demands it. Just let it change naturally. But..this sorrow, I don't if my reason is a good reason why I want to stay with it. I feel safe when I know that I have something to return when everything else fails. The sorrow, that solitary ground I can walk on when the bridges is burning.
- When I continue on reading about Bipolar...the manic periods. Yes, I do remember few years ago when I have periods when I suddenly got the best esteem in the world, more energy, doing stuff as soon I got the idea, didn't feel that I need sleep, I could be angry over the smallest things and could have big argues with people without any big reasons. And then falling back into black depression... Those periods have ruined my years on high school here in Sweden. I did got alot of people at the end who hated me. I didn't have good grades. I didn't know what the cause was then. I think that I recently had a "manic period". But nothing much happened.
1 week before I ended high school, I was diagnosed with PTSD. Before and after I got the diagnose, I do have flashbacks all the time about that horrible night. And after that night, I've been dreamin nightmares 95% of all times when I sleep (my dreams is often about those people who hate me in high school, being chased and monsters) and waking up all the time soaked in sweat. I also have hard to fall into sleep.
It really do go up and down all the time. But it has never been fine. Ever! I don't even know why I am writing down half of my life and if it makes any sense. And you maybe think why I haven't think back if I was depressed in my childhood? The thing is that I have repressed it, until now. Cause I've been thinking and focused all the time about this PTSD.
It really is a mess in my head right now. Might be waste of my time. I don't know. So...Bipolar. I know that experts should take a look.
That's my story and thoughts. Might be strange...
