Bit of an update

[ShodokanJenn]

My T just called and said he will be at the office tomorrow catching up on paperwork, and he wants to see me. So I see my GP at 930 and my T at 2. And tomorrow night I am staying at the martial arts school since in the past I've slept here when I couldn't sleep anywhere else.

Maybe one or all of those things will help things start turning around?

I finally fessed up to my husband about the S/H urges and how if I was alone all day I am quite certain I'd have done some serious harm to myself already. He said he didn't know things were that bad. Then he thanked me for taking the necessary steps to stay safe.

I feel awful for requiring this much support. I keep finding myself wondering how in the world I could ever manage to be a therapist. I love helping people, and I've got loads of understanding and the intelligence to do it. But is it fair to potential patients to have a therapist who can fall apart like this?

In the email my T sent me yesterday, my T said, "I know you know you didn't cause this." I wish I did know that. But truth be told, I am far from convinced. I know I didn't deliberately do anything to sabatage myself, but there is a lot I have neglected lately.

I feel awful. I am so, so very exhausted. Physically, from getting only an hour or two of sleep a day for weeks now. Mentally and emotionally from all the other symptoms. I just feel so hopeless and trapped. And like I have failed.

Tonight I dissociated about a half hour before my class started and came around again about three hours later. So now I get the joy of trying to explain to the professor why I need her to tell me whether or not I attended the seminar. Wahoo, right?

 

[ShodokanJenn]

So I saw my T today. It felt good to have someone there who I could be completely transparent with, instead of feeling like I have to be protective or downplay the seriousness of what I'm feeling. He outlined why he doesn't believe this setback means I've lost any of my progress, and explained it with an example that made a lot of sense to me. He said that he feels really sad for how much pain I'm in. He asked several times what I needed from him today. We talked about symptoms. He pointed out all the things that are signs of how far I've come, despite how awful I feel right now. We did some searching for scriptures about peace and sleep (he's a Christian T, which is exactly what I need). I laughed really hard with him a few times while we were searching. We found some verses with the word sleep in them that definitely are NOT helpful. Just something about them struck us both as being hilarious. We went over my treatment plan, and he added a dissociative disorder to my diagnosis. He still wants me to check in every day via email, and said if I need him to call me, he will. I see him again next week on Thursday. He said he's proud of me for continuing to fight and take steps to stay safe and doing everything I know to do to bring the symptoms under control. He really thinks that it's a medication issue.

I saw my GP this morning. I have yet another kidney infection, which he is treating me for now. He also referred me to a gastroenterologist since I'm still needing Zofran just to keep water down. He agrees with me that the stomach problems are more than likely related to the stress I've been under, but he's also concerned that I may have developed an ulcer and/or more severe reflux. He called behavioral health and pitched a fit. They are going to have me meet with one of their nurses on Tuesday, who will then talk to the on-call doc about what medication changes he feels would be most beneficial. Funny how a month ago the best they could do was February, then a week later when my doc called, they changed their story to October. Since then I've called four times and explained what's going on and they've said "We'll see you in October. Hang in there." Then today, they suddenly have another alternative for me. It shouldn't take an irate GP to get the care I need. Especially when I was promised way back in June that if I needed anything before I got in to see whoever my new provider was, all I had to do was call and they'd offer the same support I'd come to rely on over the last 8 years.

My Pastor also called, and offered some robust encouragement and some specific spiritual steps to take to help that side of things, and also told me that he's proud I'm fighting and doing whatever it takes to stay safe.

And yet, I am still miserable. I'm so exhausted it's hard to even sit up. I can't focus. My thoughts are all muddled. My eyes won't stay more than half open. And yet I lay down (or sit in a recliner - I'm trying everything I can think of) to sleep, and it doesn't come. I'm surprised I'm not hallucinating yet. Last year, I went 9 days with zero sleep, and the last two of those days, I was having vivid hallucinations (which I fortunately recognized as such). The flashbacks are frequent and intense. The dissociation is way worse than it's been for the last 8 years. The anxiety is through the roof - I've NEVER had issues with it while I'm with my T, but today I was super jumpy, constantly fidgeting, unable to maintain eye contact, and felt generally terrified. I'm really hoping that being at my martial arts school tonight will help me get at least SOME sleep. Although if it does, the temptation is going to be to just move in for a while. That's not a realistic option, but it sure would be tempting.