Body memories leading to suicidal thoughts.

[Sweetisabelle]

I’m having a really difficult time. These body memories (I think that is what they are) are killing me.

Every time I lay down to go to bed my legs get heavy and I feel this fullness, like he has penetrated me, or as if I am swollen.

Everything I wake up with my stomach pain (going to the doctor in a couple weeks), the pain I feel in my lower tummy makes me think of all the other pain I’ve felt.

Every time I shower I think of the abuse, sometimes my body becomes aroused, and without getting into too many details I end up harming myself psychologically.

I feel like everyday, multiple times a day my body is being violated. It’s not fully like reliving the abuse, I’m not fully back there. But my body feels back there. Other times the pain feels unbearable.

I have so much shame surrounding this all. It seems unspeakable to me. For this reason I’m doing online therapy in addition to in person therapy. I told my online therapist I’m feeling hopeless, and that it’s because “I keep reliving the past”.

I’m terrified to hear back from him. I wasn’t going to say anything at all but I feel like if I don’t say anything that I won’t make it out of this alive. I’m truing to be brave but all I want to do is run away. I’m never going to be able to tell anyone fully what’s going on.

I’m becoming so suicidal.... how is one suppsed to live when they can not stand being in there body? I’m scared. I feel so worn down

I’m feeling hopeless. Like I’m never going to be able to tell my T all the things I feel I need to say. I’m scared I’ll never get better because I’m not brave enough to face all these things. I feel so trapped

 

[piratelady]

What did you therapist say when you said you were feeling hopeless? When I was first diagnosed with PTSD, I felt much the same as you do now. Honestly, back then I never talked about many of the things I needed to talk about. I still found relief though. Therapy was still able to calm the symptoms I was feeling and give me some relief. Focusing on the end result, all the work you have to do, can seem so daunting and overwhelming. Instead just try to focus on what you can do now? I do hope your therapist has some suggestions to help deal with the symptoms now. Maybe someone here will have some practical suggestions also.

 

[sunshineandmoonshine]

I’m having a really difficult time. These body memories (I think that is what they are) are killing me.

Every time I lay down to go to bed my legs get heavy and I feel this fullness, like he has penetrated me, or as if I am swollen.

Everything I wake up with my stomach pain (going to the doctor in a couple weeks), the pain I feel in my lower tummy makes me think of all the other pain I’ve felt.

Every time I shower I think of the abuse, sometimes my body becomes aroused, and without getting into too many details I end up harming myself psychologically.

I feel like everyday, multiple times a day my body is being violated. It’s not fully like reliving the abuse, I’m not fully back there. But my body feels back there. Other times the pain feels unbearable.

I have so much shame surrounding this all. It seems unspeakable to me. For this reason I’m doing online therapy in addition to in person therapy. I told my online therapist I’m feeling hopeless, and that it’s because “I keep reliving the past”.

I’m terrified to hear back from him. I wasn’t going to say anything at all but I feel like if I don’t say anything that I won’t make it out of this alive. I’m truing to be brave but all I want to do is run away. I’m never going to be able to tell anyone fully what’s going on.

I’m becoming so suicidal.... how is one suppsed to live when they can not stand being in there body? I’m scared. I feel so worn down

I’m feeling hopeless. Like I’m never going to be able to tell my T all the things I feel I need to say. I’m scared I’ll never get better because I’m not brave enough to face all these things. I feel so trapped

I am so sorry.
This sounds so painful.
Have you tried engaging in something bodily that you didn't used to? Like if you've never taken dance before, or a certain type of dance, try it? Or a sport or an exercise activity like yoga poses, running, aerial silks, etc?
I feel it can be helpful because it makes you related to your body in a new way and in that newness you can rebuild your embodied identity anew.
I tried dance and even though I sucked it was very powerful for me.
Hang in there.

 

[Sweetisabelle]

What did you therapist say when you said you were feeling hopeless? When I was first diagnosed with PTSD, I felt much the same as you do now. Honestly, back then I never talked about many of the things I needed to talk about. I still found relief though. Therapy was still able to calm the symptoms I was feeling and give me some relief. Focusing on the end result, all the work you have to do, can seem so daunting and overwhelming. Instead just try to focus on what you can do now? I do hope your therapist has some suggestions to help deal with the symptoms now. Maybe someone here will have some practical suggestions also.

Thank you for your tip on focusing on what I can do now instead of only focusing on the end result. I offen feel like I have so much yet to overcome and that makes me feel even more hopeless. I’m going to try to shift this :)

I know that right now it might be too hard to tell my therapist exactly what I said here (although I wish I could tell him- but it truely feels to daunting right now). Maybe what I can do for now is focus on communicating that I do feel hopeless more often than I care to admit. That I really am having a difficult time.

 

[sunshineandmoonshine]

Thank you for your tip on focusing on what I can do now instead of only focusing on the end result. I offen feel like I have so much yet to overcome and that makes me feel even more hopeless. I’m going to try to shift this :)

I know that right now it might be too hard to tell my therapist exactly what I said here (although I wish I could tell him- but it truely feels to daunting right now). Maybe what I can do for now is focus on communicating that I do feel hopeless more often than I care to admit. That I really am having a difficult time.

Sometimes I write or print out a note or copy of something I've already written and give that to my T. I still feel embarrassed/shy/humiliated (not sure how to name it) but it's sliiiightly easier still.

 

[MyWillow]

A tip from my psydoc...if I dissociate or have a flashback she asks me to wrap my arms around myself and stroke my arms like I would my cat. And reassure - out loud - my whole body that I am listening now, that I will take care of the body and it is safe. Over and and over. Reminding the body of the here and now rather than the there and then. Take care x

 

[Sweetisabelle]

I am so sorry.
This sounds so painful.
Have you tried engaging in something bodily that you didn't used to? Like if you've never taken dance before, or a certain type of dance, try it? Or a sport or an exercise activity like yoga poses, running, aerial silks, etc?
I feel it can be helpful because it makes you related to your body in a new way and in that newness you can rebuild your embodied identity anew.
I tried dance and even though I sucked it was very powerful for me.
Hang in there.

Thank you so much for responding, for empathizing and for your ideas. Even hearing you say “this sounds so painful” was really validating in a sense. That someone can hear about my expierences and not judge me for them, that instead I am met with kindness, support, empathy, and ideas from others who are willing to help. This means more to me than I can put into words. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I grew up dancing, but that is something that always makes me feel so good in my skin. The other thing I expierenented with (very briefly) was running. This may be something I want to get back into, as it make me feel strong, and feel good about being in my skin opposed to feeling like I desperately want to escape my body, and all these negative feelings/expierences.

A tip from my psydoc...if I dissociate or have a flashback she asks me to wrap my arms around myself and stroke my arms like I would my cat. And reassure - out loud - my whole body that I am listening now, that I will take care of the body and it is safe. Over and and over. Reminding the body of the here and now rather than the there and then. Take care x

I think this one will bring me a lot of comfort. The physical comfort, and reminding myself that I AM listening now, and that I am here to take care of myself (my mind, my body, my feelings, my needs, everything). Thank you for this :)

 

[sunshineandmoonshine]

Sending you so much lovingness and support. E-hugs.

 

[shimmerz]

I think this one will bring me a lot of comfort.

the pain I feel in my lower tummy makes me think of all the other pain I’ve felt.

Super important if you can use the coping strategy above to replace this with as soon as you can. Otherwise you will end up training your brain to keep thinking about pain.

If you hug yourself as soon as you are able, you will be teaching your body that when these memories come you will comfort yourself. Always. It will break the pain connection, which i am guessing, is in the master plan.

asks me to wrap my arms around myself and stroke my arms like I would my cat.

There is a name for this - I saw it just the other day. Can't remember it though. Any idea @MyWillow?

 

[MyWillow]

@shimmerz yes I know but I can’t think of it. It’s like somatic experiencing meets parts work.