Undiagnosed Bpd Or C-ptsd. In A Total Bind. Want To Stabilize.

[StrongSurvivor]

So I took the time to read "Rebuilding Shattered Lives (2nd edition): Treating Complex PTSD and Dissociative Disorders" by James A. Chu, M.D. it was very rewarding to me, as someone who has recently been confronted with a period of debilitating complications related to (undiagnosed) BPD, C-PTSD ( I know some of you don't like this term but it is useful for me) or some other dissociative Disorder.

I have experienced multiple early childhood traumas and reading the case studies in the book finally gave me the ability to access clinical terminology from which to describe my symptoms. It is highly recommended for the avid reader who wants to understand their disorder from the perspective of a well-trained and experienced Medical Doctor. The book is well written and has an intended audience of clinicians. It is about 300 pages long but split up into manageable chapters. So that's it for my plug, on to my issue.

I am currently a second year law student and up until now I have been able to maintain a functioning life albeit one plagued by interpersonal problems. This is no longer the case as numerous events in the past year and a half have gotten me back to a point in which suicidal ideation has become daily due to the pain I feel.

I am lucky because no matter what my mental health issues have been I have been able to succeed in the world of education. However, much of my abuse relates to family neglect, abandonment by my father at a young age, violence in our home, my mother's later remarriage, the molestation and rape that that man then perpetrated against me (multiple years while my mother sat by), my leaving for foster care, my mother testifying for him in court, my being diagnosed with PTSD (10 years ago), my foster care situation breaking down, dropping out of high school, being homeless for a year, my re-victimization during this period.. etc.... Long story short, I am an independent student ( I have been on my own for 10 years as of this coming October.) and I am a first generation college graduate. First in my family to go to graduate school and the only way I made this possible was by taking on a huge debt burden (I will owe over $250,000 just for my legal education, $30,000 in college debt all at compounding interest rates of close to %7).

I want help but I can't afford it. I know I need very well trained help if I am going to put it all back together because I know that BPD is highly likely in my case and will take years. I have no idea how to fund it and without a car I have no idea how to get to therapy. I am in a serious bind.

So my only hope seems to be self motivated self help but so far my hours of research have turned up very little in terms of things that will really help me work with myself to a brighter future. A future where I know what self love and self care are. A future where I can be the mom I never had. A future where I don't always destroy relationships because I am afraid of coming to rely on someone.

I need help, I have no $$, no outside support that I can ask for the $$$, no car to get to the support, I am in a tiny town (2,000 people), in the middle of nowhere, I am reaching out to those around me for support but most law students have no idea what my life is like and even if they want to help many of their stories just make me feel like I have lost more then I could ever count. I am self motivated and capable of working on it ... and there are friends in other places that will chat with me for hours but we need to know where to start.

 

[Pietro]

Dealing with trauma is, apparently, not very much of a "science". Yes, there are techniques, such as EMDR, hypnotherapy, etc., that can deal with pieces of trauma, but, according to my therapist, trauma must ultimately dealt with holistically. And for that, there really are no fancy techniques.

Outside of therapy, reading is probably your best bet. Read everything you possibly can on trauma and recovery, as well as on any of the other conditions you suspect. Some things I've discovered: You need to learn to pay extremely close attention to your feelings -- every little nuance, change, and fleeting surge. You also need to do the same with all of your thoughts -- particularly any underlying, negative beliefs and criticisms that are hard to catch consciously. (If you really have BPD, there's likely a ton of that going on.) Also, if you are remembering your dreams, and there are a number of recurring elements or themes -- which can be how the dreams feelas much as scenes or people -- analyzing these can be very useful in gaining some insight into what's going-on with you.

Above all, concentrate on feelings. When you're feeling bad or anxious, but have no associated, conscious images or memories, try to simply dwell on the feeling without attempting to reason it out. Be aware of how your body feels, if there are strange sensations anywhere, and focus on those. More concrete information can often occur from this. (Yes, it seems backwards -- I always thought that you had to reason your way through everything, but that doesn't work here -- the feelings lead to the memories and reasons.)

As far as the BPD, just a warning to be careful with such terms. BPD is a very slippery diagnosis, as is codependency, love/sex addiction, etc. More importantly, each of these is rooted in much deeper, underlying causes -- likely, the C-PTSD. Concentrating on the trauma has a good chance of helping any other of these types of issues as well.

One thing you seem to have is connection -- you have friends and support. So many people suffering from PTSD don't, because connection is often one of the first casualties. If this is true, then you are truly blessed. The rest is just a bunch of academic crap, and, as a law student, that should be easy. ;)

Finally, as if this post isn't long enough, suicidal ideation is often part of this. The best defense for this is to keep telling yourself that all the things that make you think about suicide are an illusion -- because they are. All of the shame and self-loathing that cause such thoughts have been caused by others, yet they make damn sure that you take all the blame. The feelings are very real, don't get me wrong -- but the thoughts causing the feeling are fallacious. It will take some time to get at these thoughts and start being able to counter them, but it does start happening.

Despite terrible times, you have survived and, in many ways, even seem to have thrived. You have demonstrated that you are a fighter -- and a winner. Take the same approach with this -- fight with everything you have to heal, recover, and live a life that your abusers could only dream of. If there's anything that keeps me going from day to day, it's probably this. :)

 

[StrongSurvivor]

Take the same approach with this -- fight with everything you have to heal, recover, and live a life that your abusers could only dream of. If there's anything that keeps me going from day to day, it's probably this. :)[/quote]

I am beyond words for how close I feel with you right now. Thank you for taking the time to respond in such a thoughtful manner. You reminded me of many things I have known and forgotten along the way. Maybe I am farther along in this process than I feel like I am; maybe I just need to reconnect with my self maintenance processes.

Also thank you for validating my interim approach of reading and reaching out. I do want to get better and sometimes folks around me push and degrade my efforts because I am dealing with the reality of inaccessibility of the best resources (Therapeutic Specialists). I am happy to hear that my work is possibly very helpful at least in the meantime.

Further, when I read about relaxation techniques online they seemed cheesy but the way you have written about them makes a lot more sense. It's more of a process of slowing down and taking it all in and processing. I think I will pick up some of my habits from years prior too - such as drawing and writing. Hopefully they will be more positive in content then they once were but maybe it is okay at first if they aren't.

Cross your fingers, hopefully by the end of Spring Break (1 week) I will have enough motivation to address all of the things I have fallen behind on - or at least not let it keep getting me down that I am operating at a different speed with different priorities right now. You see Law School is all about the grades - and what my grades will show is a very capable person who fell off the saddle in the middle. What law school grades will never show is the better person I became from taking the time to take my mental health needs seriously. One small tool at a time.

I will be around, and would love to be supportive of others. I will let you all know if I find anymore good reads. (I am now on a roller coaster).

 

[Pietro]

I understand about school; I was driven in school as well. And I am fairly career driven now (computers). But I've had to really pull-back on my career aspirations, lately, to deal with my trauma issues. Because if I didn't, they would simply keep holding me back, anyway, and eventually sink me. Can you take a semester off from school to work through things? I know that it may be one of the few things you have that you consider positive in your life, right now, but, if it's possible, you might save yourself some of those saddle-slipping grades. ;) I've considered even taking time out of work, lately.

I have little motivation, right now, but it's starting to very slowly improve. I've finally become comfortable with *not* having much motivation -- much like you said about "operating at a different speed". My task lists are too damn long anyway.

As far as other folks not being supportive, the hell with them. You have the ability and will to work on your own, despite lacking the resources for professional therapy -- which is exorbitantly expensive. Most people don't have such ability, so they don't understand that it can be done. Really, my therapist is little more than my guide right now -- I'm doing most of the work on my own, and this is by design.

A lot of stuff gets explained really poorly, especially on the Internet, and it does sound cheesy. I'm glad I could be helpful. It's simply about paying very close attention to everything that's going-on with you -- thoughts, emotions, and body sensations. Really, this is a skill that few people have in general, especially Americans who are so damn busy with running their daily lives that paying attention to being human is the last thing they have time for. They should teach this stuff in school!

Drawing and writing are also excellent ways of dealing with this stuff. There is much written about using drawing to help draw-out thoughts and feelings that might not be easily accessed. Writing and journaling is also very popular. I do a lot of writing; I'd love to draw, but my current level of visual art is stick figures, which just don't provide for a lot of expression.

Look forward hearing about any books or other resources you find. :)

 

[StrongSurvivor]

I wish I could take time off school but there really isn't much of a choice. Unless of course I take the summertime just to take care of myself - which would potentially be doubly bad on top of sore grades when I hit the job market. It's too late to do anything about this semester as there are only 7 weeks left, I will not flunk out though. And I have considered taking off school during the fall semester but the transaction costs are prohibitive. There were a number of weeks that I thought I should just leave law school but again my supports say that's dumb and I listen. Honestly that's part of what makes this feel so bad - because of the debt I am trapped. And folks I talk to tell me because of the debt no one in their right mind would quit.

Sometimes I don't think they are listening or hearing how stuck I am (how painful this trapped feeling is) but I can understand their denial. For as much of a failure as I feel I am, I know that my supports believe in me and think completing this is the right thing to do. If I had it my way and I could finance it I would leave but I am terrified of being homeless again. I thought this journey would bring me the skills I needed to create security in my own life but that seems so stripped away when you look at the job markets. I also used to believe that America was a place in which you could pull yourself up by your bootstraps; my law school experience makes me think the opposite. The closer I get to success the more barriers (financial, emotional, familial) are in the way. I just feel like I was horribly naive when I undertook this and now that I understand it I am stuck with the burden but not much closer to the benefits.

(This is the easy stuff to talk about, really - the hard stuff is how all this fear plays out. How I wake up after dreams in a cold sweat, crying - How that feeling won't leave me all day, how I don't know what I dreamed that felt so real - How these re-occurrences make me want to stop struggling. The hard part is wanting so desperately to be a good person but feeling as if no matter how hard I try I can't. I want so much not to be the person who puts other people though emotional hell, the results of which I am a bi-product, that I am willing to consider a world without me. But what would be better is if I can figure out how to crack this nut, and maybe after that teach or mentor others to get out.)

It's bedtime, good chat.

 

[intothelight]

Hi StrongSurvivor,

Welcome to the PTSD Forum! :)

After reading the posts above, I think you have already found the support here is fantastic as you work on healing. Take your time to read the information, articles and posts as I believe you will find many things that are helpful.

Wishing you the best.

Debbie

 

[KP the nut]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

 

[Pietro]

How I wake up after dreams in a cold sweat, crying - How that feeling won't leave me all day, how I don't know what I dreamed that felt so real - How these re-occurrences make me want to stop struggling.

Wow -- I have similar issues with dreams. I don't wake-up crying, nor have I had nightmares (I think). However, I have everything else you mentioned. It's very disconcerting, especially if you can't remember the dreams and, then, get hit with fleeting dream "flashbacks" all day. And, yes, the feeling lasts all day.

I have learned to interpret the dreams I can remember. It's not like someone reading a crystal ball; dream interpretation is very personal -- many things in your dreams have meaning only to you (although there are those who also believe that there are some fundamental dream archetypes -- objects or concepts -- that are shared by all humanity).

My dreams aren't bad enough to make me want to avoid them -- for me, they're like messages that the less accessible part of my mind is providing to me in order to "test the waters" of my readiness for information that may not be so pleasant. I know, though, that, for some, their dreams can be overwhelming, which requires a lot more caution. I do worry, though, that, as time goes on, my dreams may not always be so innocuous.

 

[StrongSurvivor]

Pietro,

These dreams don't happen as often as they did in the beginning (10 years ago) but when they do happen these days they are harsher. I do spend time trying to sort them out but I have to be careful that I do not let them overwhelm me because processing them can quickly become a negative spin. I think if I keep in mind grounding techniques and do the hardest thing to do at the time - which is get up out of bed and talk to someone I trust - then it could get better.

Most of my memory issues are holistic; I don't remember much of my life prior to 19 or so. I do have memories of trauma but for instance I can't remember my mother's face up until age 13. I don't know what else is lurking out there, I imagine it is much of the same thing I currently recall. It would be nice to remember some of the good things. Sometimes I think the good things, especially with my mother and my brothers and sister, are hardest to remember because losing the vibrancy of those connections was necessary for my survival but also completely earth shattering. It becomes more complicated with one of my brothers and my mother precisely because in some ways I have to reject them in order to affirm myself and the person I want to become.

The dreams now elude me, I think they have to do with being left by the people I need most during the times I need them most - I relive it over and over. I think the scariest thing about it is that it is entirely possible that these occurrences could happen again and the dreams and fears are triggered very easily by precisely the things that make me healthy (i.e. connecting to new people in a deep, intimate and trusting way). At times I am at war with myself.

In other news I went on a wonderful walk here today, it is finally becoming spring! Blue skies, bird calls and just a little bit more productive than yesterday. This has already made a huge difference.

 

[Pietro]

Congratulations on getting-out today, and being more productive. :) I did the opposite -- stayed home, read, and journaled. This is the first quiet day I've had in months, so I decided to take advantage of it. I think I'll be much more ready, now, to be more social and productive tomorrow.

I have weird memory lapses as well, and didn't realize it until only recently. I used to think I had a great memory, which goes back to before age 3. But my childhood memory is very spotty. I remember school, and my friends, and other parts of my daily life from that time; but I remember very little of life at home -- which is, of course, where things were most unpleasant. Exactly how unpleasant, though, I'm not sure. Much of my lost memory is more the emotional part, not so much the "visual" part. I also realize that I've sacrificed remembering good feelings from the past because they also trigger bad feelings. I'm working to try and change this.

I understand what you're saying about how "healthy things" trigger the trauma. This is actually similar to a suggestion made by one of my therapists, because I was trying to get more access to my repressed emotions. The release, itself, is good, but, given the intensity of what you're experiencing, you have to be very, very careful. I don't know enough about this to say anything really useful here, but it sounds like you do have a pretty good understanding of how to manage your triggers and episodes. It does feel like an internal war -- I've actually used visualization of that sort. My current therapist, though, prefers a more conciliatory perspective, and believes in treating those things that protect us from traumatic memories as allies and protectors that simply need to be negotiated with over time. Sometimes, all of this made-up imagery seems ridiculous to me, but, apparently, how you perceive these things is actually very important in determining the results you get.

 

[MomOfTwo]

Welcome to the forum :-)

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Hello and welcome to the forum. :)