• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

Sufferer C-ptsd and undiagnosed Polyfragmented DID, medicated with antipsychotcs

  • Thread starter Deleted member 53623
  • Start date
D

Deleted member 53623

( Long post).
Hi! I am a 47 yo female, very interested in music and sometimes , but not currently , in artsy stuff.
Since a few years feeling really confused, lost , so sad, hurting and lonely in this World.

I unfortunately left the Internet- world, most friends online and IRL four years ago due to a crisis . :-(

Have been inpatient a few times per year during these past years due to depressions and issues with PTSD and DID, and depressions,(not as severe as the current one).

Starting a year few years ago some doctors have believed me to be , apart from the C- PSTD to be psychotic ( and delusional as well, apparantly due to my very severe trauma- history and claim of, which therapists and others have told me about; that I have Polyfragmented DID, with many subsystems and a huge number of Alter personalities / people inside, and heaps of fragments).
I did not know about it, before told by a therapist when in my 20’s.
Unfortunately she was not knowledgeable about DID, and I told her ” I guess all Alters (fused) somehow.” She said it doesn’t work like that, but I asked her to change the documens, and she wrote, in the document (..) ” now percieves herself as divided into The adult and a child ( same name as me, with the prefix Little)

. This was just wishful thinking of mine, who was in denial and Terrified of the DID . Initialy the T wrote about split off separate, distinct Parts, and all. ( The ones she mer in therapy, without my awareness/ I was not present ).
I so wish she would Not have let Me dictate what she wrote in the final document.

The current psychiatrist believes it is possible that a part / parts of me hold the psychotic features. She also says you can be both multiple and psychotic.

I am , these days, only aware of feeling very detached from myself, and dissociated all the time, plus hearing the voices of the Alters I am co- conscious with sing, and be out/ co- conscious at rare times. And some trying to communicate inside the head- space, typically at night. These alters I don’t know.

I do need my Alters desperately. Without them Life seems stagnated, meaningless and very dark. With no love or connection to myselves, nor others, outside people and the World. As- if nothing matters anymore. Really stuck.

My alters have helped/ we have helped each other out a great deal in life, and I feel like nothing without the Others inside. Since,, as I have been told; that I am part of the Whole.
I have been told my alters love me. Only a few were, or are (?) mad at me for leaving them behind, and the fact that I used to want nothing to do with them/ not wanting to be multiple.

I have been told ( by helpers, who some alters reached out to) that some of my numerous alters felt abandonned and let down by me when I started to medicate against anxiety, and they were shut off.
I understand them, and I have reached out to them about this.

The Hospital diagnosed me with DID , but my current , and since a year ago new to me doctor diagnosed me with C-PTSD ( which I have been diagnosed with my whole adult life) , and also ’ Unspecified chronic Delusions’. When I asked her about the later, she says it seems that I have delusions about the World and ’ seem a bit suspicious’. Go figure, I have been terribly hurt during childhood and adolescence and I do have a hard time trusting others, and the good in the World, which has to exist.
Sometimes I Feel as- if people ’ hate me’ for whatever reason, and as- if ” They think they know something about me”. This is more tangable and gruesome to me at certain times. I feel very vulnarable. The doc added that she hopes she and I can be on good terms, despite the diagnosis of delusions. She believes me on the severe trauma. I have some documents and physical proof of some of it, so it can’t be seen as ’ a delusion ’.
She says I am no psychosis- client.

-Part of my/ our problem now: Have been forced / am forced to take antipsychotic medication, as a mood- stabalizer due to being reluctant to take any medication. I understand this, they want to keep me safe.

The problem for me is a high dose of antipsychotics I am asked to / currently forced to take.
A trauma specalist told me back in 2019 that I should take only a low dose, due to how I am split inside/ fragmenterad , as it enhances the compartmentalization).
The antipsychotic blocks my abilty to naturaly switch around inside , and to communicate with my alters, the few I am now co- conscious with).
The medication is partly beneficial, though, as it keeps us calm and stops us from raging too much, and overwhelming sadness. But it also shuts me out from the Others inside, and makes us very depressed and miserable, starting a year ago. I don’t recognize myselves , and It simply is not worth it
This the doc doesn’t hear me out about, this. She says ”Abilify is the Best mood-stabalizer!”. And ” all medications have side- effects!”
I can clearly see and feel that the dose is way too high for me / us though. The doc says ’ it is necessary” and ” the most important thing is to keep you stabile, as long as possible.”

Have been told about numerous Others inside/ alters by friends and therapists. They have often come out, and spoken with their voices, as kids etc, at night.

I have lots of silent switching going on ( switches aren’t always visible, but I feel us take turns and change inside), Some of us co- front, And, as a nurse at the psych clinic said ” They only see me part of the time.”.
And I go to the clinic- appointments as ’me’ , trying not to be different, since ” The doc believes it to be a delusion”. I adapt way too much. ( People please IRL , if you will.)

I feel the Many inside, but have no way to show, or reach them, as we are so medicated. Sometimes we write, or ’ think’ back and forth, though. Thinking back and forth in the head” was believed to be ” Psychotic” by a temporary doc, a year ago, and then we were medicated for a year with Abilify- injections. ( Part of why, : reluctance to take antipsychotics due to how it shuts us down completely).

Since I have no way to ’ prove ’ that I am a Polyfragmented system, and since the doc holds the stance that I am ’ delusional’ after reading my charts ( which do not cover who I/ we really are since I have been terrified of/ in denial and hidden my multiplicity through the years, always presenting as ’ singular person’, the best I could, refusing to adress my multiplicity , and the inside voices have ( by a few docs been mistaken for me being psychotic, allthough I know that inside voices are different from the psychotic ones, coming from an outside ’ source’, believed to be real (?)

I feel really misunderstood / triggered by the doc / mental healthcare . It brings up flashbacks and emotional flashbacks/ turmoil from the stuff going on during childhood when I / we were absolutely not heard, and I had to hide any symptom of being multiple/ and signs of anything being wrong.

Alters Have fronted during therapy and in therapy at a forner clinic though. I don’t know how much of this is documented/ in my charts.
My current doc has said, when I asked her about it, both ” She believes my talk about having alters is a delusion” and, when I told her That is not the story of my life. Truth is alters have fronted numerous times in therapy , and I have been told about them. ” You can not know if they ’ Don’t exist’ / is ’ a delusion’. They are dissociated parts. ” and ” I always come here as me, trying to be/ stay the same.” ” I have been Told / shown that I have Polyfragmented DID”. ( of course they/ the psych- place can’t take my Word for it, though)
that ” It is posible that I have alters, but the parts are covered in the C- PTSD diagnosis.”. I couldn’t disagree with her more. I know part of The ones we are inside, the Alters others have heard and met ( when I was switched out/ not present)
, the Littles coming out ( at home) sucking the thumb, ( Co- conscious with me these days) , very diffferent handwrtings, drawings, different preferences, names, ages, even at times eye- colors (as I have been told about and seen myself,
pictures I had) , me hearing them inside the head, at times, inside talk, different trains of thought, intrusive thought, etc etc.

And, we need to be Together to feel more OK. As for now, the doc asks me nothing, and we are not acknowledged. I keep on mentioning it at the Clinic, as we do not feel heard or even believed (?) and that is a Huge issue for me my doc doesn’t hear me out on this, or the antipsychotic as a mood stabalizer.
She says ’ Multiplicity is something to be dealt with in therapy. This is chemical.” And ” What do you want Us to do about/ with it? ”.
We want to be believed/ heard, that’s all. !
Not seen as a possible ” DID- wannabe”, or whatnot.

The antipsychotic drug also makes us increadibly depressed. Very sad about not being together anymore, almost unable to communicate and exist inside.
Allthough my Alters sends me internal messages ” But We are here!!” . I have no way of reaching, or really for us to stay close inside anymore, and keep each other company/ support each other inside, as we used to in the past.
Antipsychotics ( which I was also prescribed for Anxiety), have Never been a good choice for me.
Only at a very low dosage, when needed, to keep us all together, due to the fragmentation.
( Or, however * I * feel is beneficial for us now).

The doc notices ” Less dissociation” and ” Well, the medication seems to work!” ( So I seem ’ more normal, collected , well- tempered , easy to talk to , or as one? I don’t know what she refers to) .
She should not compare my symptoms to when we/ I was completely unmedicated.

This is Not a life I want to/ am able to live, separated from the Alters. Whether the doc believes in them, or not.

Of course, I , too want to be stable, and not in crisis. There needs to be some balance.
But to be completely ’stable’ is not all. I want to be myself again, in touch with myself, my alters and the World/ surroundings. The increased detachment/ dissociation makes thing feel as if they are unreal and I don’t feel any purpose.

I strongy believe that Abilify as a mood stabalizer is actually not good at all for us.! Not in the dose the doc says ’ she is to decide on!” ( True?)
She wants to keep a very high dose, even after I am not forced to take the med anymore.

This past year has been Lonely inside without much connection to my alters, and psychologicaly miserable in many other ways too.

The doc always says ” How do you Know it is the medication ( that is the problem)??”
Well, There is a very clear before- and after. She knows that ” I” know my body well and can sense what is what.

I am so tired of always presenting as One/ to be seen as this singleton, , and not to be seen as who we really are,inside, and formaly outside too.
I have clearly ( to me) different personas/ who ” I” am when outside, or when we are at home. (This developed early on , in early childhood).

I dissociatiate heavily from myself on this level of medication, and typically when outside . too.
Even though the Clinic believes me to be ’ closer to myself’ now, when I don’t / can not dissociate like I used to. And am not in touch with the alters inside. / do not say ” we ” anymore, but present as ” I”.
I know what feels right/ is true, is
” we” and ”us” though.

Actually, Not to be able to dissociate, hardly at all, and not to have the flexability inside, when on this dose of Abilify is the problem for me. The doctor didn’t listen when I told her that.
I miss my alters!

How do I get the psychiatrist to hear me out?

Thanks for reading!
 
Hello there,

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your story here. It sounds like you have been going through a very difficult time, dealing with PTSD, DID, and the impact of medication. I want you to know that you are not alone in your struggles, and there is support available for you.

It's understandable that you feel frustrated and misunderstood by your current doctor. It's important for your healthcare provider to listen to your concerns and work collaboratively with you to find the best course of treatment. In order to communicate your needs effectively, you might consider preparing a list of specific questions and concerns to discuss during your appointments. It may also be helpful to bring any documentation or evidence, like drawings or notes, that illustrate your experiences and symptoms.

While I'm not a doctor myself, I would encourage you to consider seeking a second opinion or finding a new psychiatrist who specializes in trauma or dissociative disorders. A specialist can often provide a deeper understanding and a more nuanced approach to your specific situation.

In addition to professional help, connecting with others who have similar experiences can be immensely beneficial. Peer support can offer understanding, validation, and guidance through challenging times. You might find it helpful to join an online community such as myptsd.com. This peer-to-peer community provides a safe space for individuals who suffer from or support those with PTSD and CPTSD. There, you can connect with others who understand what you're going through and share your experiences.

Once on the website, you'll find various forums dedicated to different topics related to PTSD and CPTSD. These forums can be a valuable resource for receiving support and gathering information. You may also find it helpful to read about the experiences and coping strategies of others who have experienced similar challenges.

While peer support can be incredibly helpful, it's important to remember that it is not a substitute for professional help. If you ever feel overwhelmed or in crisis, please reach out to a mental health professional or a helpline in your area immediately.

I want to reassure you that healing and recovery are possible. With the right support, therapy, and a consistent treatment plan, many individuals find relief from their symptoms and regain a sense of stability in their lives.

Please take care of yourself, and remember that there are people out there who genuinely want to help and support you on your journey to healing.

Sending you strength and compassion.

Warm regards,
Riley Jones
 
Welcome to the forum!

I have DID, and it definitely took a long time to get that diagnosis, and to be sure that it was correct. I also had delusions for a long time as a result of my trauma (I believed that I could make good people want to do bad things, just by being in their presence).

Complex trauma can create a bit of a minefield of mental health issues! Hope you get your diagnosis sorted and can get on with the recovery soon:)
 
How do I get the psychiatrist to hear me out?
Sorry, didn't read the whole post, but I was also diagnosed with DID and major depressive disorder, and sometimes you have to keep searching for a psychiatrist that actually understands the DID and pays attention to you as a person and not a patient.

I don't think many psychiatrists understand the impact of meds on a person with DID. I was on Abilify, and combined with an anti-depressant, it really helped my depression, but I had some other side effects that made it impossible for me to take. The doc I was seeing said it was "not possible" it could be the meds (because research had not demonstrated it), but I stopped it and the side effect went away.

She believes my talk about having alters is a delusion”
Many physicians--I mean MANY--don't believe in DID. You need to find someone who does. That person can do a better, more thorough evalution.
’ Multiplicity is something to be dealt with in therapy. This is chemical.”
Basically she is saying "your ideas about multiplicity," yes? Since she believes you are delusional.
This is Not a life I want to/ am able to live, separated from the Alters. Whether the doc believes in them, or not.

Even those who believe in DID may have different ideas about what you should do about it. After being grossly abused by a DID "expert," who insisted I work only toward integration, I found a doc who was happy to work on getting me/us to a place that was stable and functioning.
 
Hi Riley Jones, thanks for your reply!

These are very good suggestions. I might actually seek out a trauma specialist.
I, and we, feel greatly misunderstood by the current clinic. Allthough one nurse has been understanding, said that trauma is a known cause for DID.

We need to be heard.
The doctor’s / that kind of disbelief is really harmfull and toxic to us.
I don’t know for sure if the current doctor truley believe I am ’ making up the DID’, or what she thinks about me. She has replied that she believes it is ’ a delusion of mine ’. I find it greatly offensive.

Will make a list and bring to the next appointment or so.

Thank you, and also for the reassurance that there Is help out there even for me, and us!
Things might actually not be as hopeless as I feel they are.

Lightblues
 
Hi Sideways, thank you for the welcome and reply.
Yes, many get a DID- diagnosis late in life, I have read.
I am glad you got a proper diagnosis.

It is good to be able to reach out here, to connect some again. The past year has been very isolated, inside and out.

I , too used to believe that same thing, as a child. ( That people were hurt / would hurt others due to my pressence). The people who abused us lied and told us such things. And kids very easily believe what they are told and can easily be manipulated. Apart from brainwashing, and more.

I was told , by one of my primary abusers, things like ”Everybody hates you” and ” They think you are ugly ”. Stuff on repeat in my own mind these past years/ year when the traumas / more details of that person started to surface.

I know that my thoughts, ( such as those) are delusions. though, and stem from the abusive past, but they feel very real.

It is just horrible how children are treated, at times!

Lightblues
 
The antipsychotic blocks my abilty to naturaly switch around inside , and to communicate with my alters, the few I am now co- conscious with).
I can relate to this. I tried abilify, but ultimately settled on extended-release seroquel. It has a similar impact on my ability to communicate with my parts. But the upside of that is a lot less uncontrolled dissociation (which I really can’t function with appropriately).
The doc says ’ it is necessary” and ” the most important thing is to keep you stabile, as long as possible.”
They’re not wrong - you won’t get anywhere if you can’t sustain stability. Instability not only prevents recovery and healing, it sets us back a long way.

The good news is that the longer you’re stable, the better your skills get at sustaining that yourself. That means reducing the medication supports required over time.
 
I don't think many psychiatrists understand the impact of meds on a person with DID. I was on Abilify, and combined with an anti-depressant, it really helped my depression, but I had some other side effects that made it impossible for me to take. The doc I was seeing said it was "not possible" it could be the meds (because research had not demonstrated it), but I stopped it and the side effect went away.

I am glad that you could quit the Abilify. I have had the same experience with horrible side- effects, such as being completely shut down, due to some antidepressants this past year.
(The doctor let me quit those.. She said I don’t tolerate meds well, which is true. They mess me up big time and I can take them in low doses only.) And now the Abilify which shuts me out from The Whole of me, and the alters.

Basically she is saying "your ideas about multiplicity," yes? Since she believes you are delusional.
Yes, I think you are right., she believes I am delusional about the DID. I have a hard time fathoming her stance, there.
But I heard the same from a ( not close) friend, who’s therapist confirms that friend has DID. She, too was diagnosed with delusions by that same doctor.

I think my doctor believes in the existance of DID, but all I have heard from the clinic is that ” DID is Extremely rare!”.
I do not know what that has to do with me, wether I have it, or not.
Also, parts can be very dissociated from the Self, and / or not present themselves with different names.
I go by The body’s / my birth name most of the time.
Except for sometimes, or if some part introduced themselves to someone outside.

Sorry to hear that you were hurt by that DID- specialist! And, to try to force someone to work towards integration sounds horrible!

Lightblues
 
Hi again Sideways, Thanks for your replies .
They’re not wrong - you won’t get anywhere if you can’t sustain stability. Instability not only prevents recovery and healing, it sets us back a long way.

I agree. I understand the doc’s stance about the stability.
It is just that the dose of Abilify ( injections) has been the highest possible. And it / the side effects is killing me. The injections been really destructive for me, this year. ( The things the doctor doesn’t hear me out about) Allthough I appear more together, calmer , ’ non psychotic’. She is going to convert the dose into pills, starting this Fall, and wants me to stick to a high dose of antipsychotic/ Abilify as a moodstabalizer .
I want to decrease the antipsychotic- part of it, as it is really harmfull to the communication inside,
As long as I am also stabile.
The good news is that the longer you’re stable, the better your skills get at sustaining that yourself. That means reducing the medication supports required over time.

Yes, hope to be able to decrease the dose. It takes way too long to wait for months, though, which I gave my word to the doctor is the longest I can wait, to swap the injections for pills instead.
I have changed my mind on that one.
I am positive that it is the high dose of Abilify which causes lots of my/ our distress inside.

Lightblues
 
Hey there. I was diagnosed as DID decades ago, and it turned out that I was autistic, and fluctuating between anxiety responses and depression. I don't think that particular doc was capable of seeing a male as a victim. I know that sounds odd, but I have a feeling that is the case. Anyways, I stopped seeing that doc a long time ago, then finally got my CPTSD diagnosis with a different doc.

I know longer feel that I have alts, though. I guess you could still look at my different mindsets when approaching various tasks and roles, and determine that those were alts. The main thing is, we all share the same memories, the same inner process of decision making (often poorly chose )

But I do think that it is best to approach CPTSD in a way that works for you. What worked for me when I was younger doesn't work for me now.... so I adapt.
 
Hi Go Hungry.!

Thanks, it sounds wise to approach the C-PTSD in a way that works for you/ us in the current moment.

I know / have been told that my dissociated alters are very distinct and they have also left traces through the years , which I had no awareness of.
Allthough I also relate to the different ’ roles ’ we / other groups of alters that are close to me can have when performing tasks.

Communication with the Ones I am co- conscious with is the very key to me ( and us) feeling better.
The medication inhibits this completely, as things are now.

I think the situation with the new doc, that she actually might not believe me, has brought up a myriad of feelings for me and insiders. It is a lot to handle, feeling really depressed. But maybe I am making a big deal out of nothing. The doctor should not ’ rule my world ’ so to speak.
The emotional flashbacks are huge.

Lightblues
 
Good news, the doc has said she thinks it is possible that I have DID
(Which is a matter of fact to me).
The nurse feels the same way, the doctor said. And that creating parts was the way for me to survive the horrendous trauma.

It just annoyed us to no end to be
labeled in a way that didn’t seem correct, and which doesn’t lead us to get the right kind of support.

I was glad to hear it wasn’t the current doc who diagnosed me with delusions, but someone else who had hardly met me.
 
Back
Top