Sufferer C-ptsd and undiagnosed Polyfragmented DID, medicated with antipsychotcs

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( Long post).
Hi! I am a 47 yo female, very interested in music and sometimes , but not currently , in artsy stuff.
Since a few years feeling really confused, lost , so sad, hurting and lonely in this World.

I unfortunately left the Internet- world, most friends online and IRL four years ago due to a crisis . :-(

Have been inpatient a few times per year during these past years due to depressions and issues with PTSD and DID, and depressions,(not as severe as the current one).

Starting a year few years ago some doctors have believed me to be , apart from the C- PSTD to be psychotic ( and delusional as well, apparantly due to my very severe trauma- history and claim of, which therapists and others have told me about; that I have Polyfragmented DID, with many subsystems and a huge number of Alter personalities / people inside, and heaps of fragments).
I did not know about it, before told by a therapist when in my 20’s.
Unfortunately she was not knowledgeable about DID, and I told her ” I guess all Alters (fused) somehow.” She said it doesn’t work like that, but I asked her to change the documens, and she wrote, in the document (..) ” now percieves herself as divided into The adult and a child ( same name as me, with the prefix Little)

. This was just wishful thinking of mine, who was in denial and Terrified of the DID . Initialy the T wrote about split off separate, distinct Parts, and all. ( The ones she mer in therapy, without my awareness/ I was not present ).
I so wish she would Not have let Me dictate what she wrote in the final document.

The current psychiatrist believes it is possible that a part / parts of me hold the psychotic features. She also says you can be both multiple and psychotic.

I am , these days, only aware of feeling very detached from myself, and dissociated all the time, plus hearing the voices of the Alters I am co- conscious with sing, and be out/ co- conscious at rare times. And some trying to communicate inside the head- space, typically at night. These alters I don’t know.

I do need my Alters desperately. Without them Life seems stagnated, meaningless and very dark. With no love or connection to myselves, nor others, outside people and the World. As- if nothing matters anymore. Really stuck.

My alters have helped/ we have helped each other out a great deal in life, and I feel like nothing without the Others inside. Since,, as I have been told; that I am part of the Whole.
I have been told my alters love me. Only a few were, or are (?) mad at me for leaving them behind, and the fact that I used to want nothing to do with them/ not wanting to be multiple.

I have been told ( by helpers, who some alters reached out to) that some of my numerous alters felt abandonned and let down by me when I started to medicate against anxiety, and they were shut off.
I understand them, and I have reached out to them about this.

The Hospital diagnosed me with DID , but my current , and since a year ago new to me doctor diagnosed me with C-PTSD ( which I have been diagnosed with my whole adult life) , and also ’ Unspecified chronic Delusions’. When I asked her about the later, she says it seems that I have delusions about the World and ’ seem a bit suspicious’. Go figure, I have been terribly hurt during childhood and adolescence and I do have a hard time trusting others, and the good in the World, which has to exist.
Sometimes I Feel as- if people ’ hate me’ for whatever reason, and as- if ” They think they know something about me”. This is more tangable and gruesome to me at certain times. I feel very vulnarable. The doc added that she hopes she and I can be on good terms, despite the diagnosis of delusions. She believes me on the severe trauma. I have some documents and physical proof of some of it, so it can’t be seen as ’ a delusion ’.
She says I am no psychosis- client.

-Part of my/ our problem now: Have been forced / am forced to take antipsychotic medication, as a mood- stabalizer due to being reluctant to take any medication. I understand this, they want to keep me safe.

The problem for me is a high dose of antipsychotics I am asked to / currently forced to take.
A trauma specalist told me back in 2019 that I should take only a low dose, due to how I am split inside/ fragmenterad , as it enhances the compartmentalization).
The antipsychotic blocks my abilty to naturaly switch around inside , and to communicate with my alters, the few I am now co- conscious with).
The medication is partly beneficial, though, as it keeps us calm and stops us from raging too much, and overwhelming sadness. But it also shuts me out from the Others inside, and makes us very depressed and miserable, starting a year ago. I don’t recognize myselves , and It simply is not worth it
This the doc doesn’t hear me out about, this. She says ”Abilify is the Best mood-stabalizer!”. And ” all medications have side- effects!”
I can clearly see and feel that the dose is way too high for me / us though. The doc says ’ it is necessary” and ” the most important thing is to keep you stabile, as long as possible.”

Have been told about numerous Others inside/ alters by friends and therapists. They have often come out, and spoken with their voices, as kids etc, at night.

I have lots of silent switching going on ( switches aren’t always visible, but I feel us take turns and change inside), Some of us co- front, And, as a nurse at the psych clinic said ” They only see me part of the time.”.
And I go to the clinic- appointments as ’me’ , trying not to be different, since ” The doc believes it to be a delusion”. I adapt way too much. ( People please IRL , if you will.)

I feel the Many inside, but have no way to show, or reach them, as we are so medicated. Sometimes we write, or ’ think’ back and forth, though. Thinking back and forth in the head” was believed to be ” Psychotic” by a temporary doc, a year ago, and then we were medicated for a year with Abilify- injections. ( Part of why, : reluctance to take antipsychotics due to how it shuts us down completely).

Since I have no way to ’ prove ’ that I am a Polyfragmented system, and since the doc holds the stance that I am ’ delusional’ after reading my charts ( which do not cover who I/ we really are since I have been terrified of/ in denial and hidden my multiplicity through the years, always presenting as ’ singular person’, the best I could, refusing to adress my multiplicity , and the inside voices have ( by a few docs been mistaken for me being psychotic, allthough I know that inside voices are different from the psychotic ones, coming from an outside ’ source’, believed to be real (?)

I feel really misunderstood / triggered by the doc / mental healthcare . It brings up flashbacks and emotional flashbacks/ turmoil from the stuff going on during childhood when I / we were absolutely not heard, and I had to hide any symptom of being multiple/ and signs of anything being wrong.

Alters Have fronted during therapy and in therapy at a forner clinic though. I don’t know how much of this is documented/ in my charts.
My current doc has said, when I asked her about it, both ” She believes my talk about having alters is a delusion” and, when I told her That is not the story of my life. Truth is alters have fronted numerous times in therapy , and I have been told about them. ” You can not know if they ’ Don’t exist’ / is ’ a delusion’. They are dissociated parts. ” and ” I always come here as me, trying to be/ stay the same.” ” I have been Told / shown that I have Polyfragmented DID”. ( of course they/ the psych- place can’t take my Word for it, though)
that ” It is posible that I have alters, but the parts are covered in the C- PTSD diagnosis.”. I couldn’t disagree with her more. I know part of The ones we are inside, the Alters others have heard and met ( when I was switched out/ not present)
, the Littles coming out ( at home) sucking the thumb, ( Co- conscious with me these days) , very diffferent handwrtings, drawings, different preferences, names, ages, even at times eye- colors (as I have been told about and seen myself,
pictures I had) , me hearing them inside the head, at times, inside talk, different trains of thought, intrusive thought, etc etc.

And, we need to be Together to feel more OK. As for now, the doc asks me nothing, and we are not acknowledged. I keep on mentioning it at the Clinic, as we do not feel heard or even believed (?) and that is a Huge issue for me my doc doesn’t hear me out on this, or the antipsychotic as a mood stabalizer.
She says ’ Multiplicity is something to be dealt with in therapy. This is chemical.” And ” What do you want Us to do about/ with it? ”.
We want to be believed/ heard, that’s all. !
Not seen as a possible ” DID- wannabe”, or whatnot.

The antipsychotic drug also makes us increadibly depressed. Very sad about not being together anymore, almost unable to communicate and exist inside.
Allthough my Alters sends me internal messages ” But We are here!!” . I have no way of reaching, or really for us to stay close inside anymore, and keep each other company/ support each other inside, as we used to in the past.
Antipsychotics ( which I was also prescribed for Anxiety), have Never been a good choice for me.
Only at a very low dosage, when needed, to keep us all together, due to the fragmentation.
( Or, however * I * feel is beneficial for us now).

The doc notices ” Less dissociation” and ” Well, the medication seems to work!” ( So I seem ’ more normal, collected , well- tempered , easy to talk to , or as one? I don’t know what she refers to) .
She should not compare my symptoms to when we/ I was completely unmedicated.

This is Not a life I want to/ am able to live, separated from the Alters. Whether the doc believes in them, or not.

Of course, I , too want to be stable, and not in crisis. There needs to be some balance.
But to be completely ’stable’ is not all. I want to be myself again, in touch with myself, my alters and the World/ surroundings. The increased detachment/ dissociation makes thing feel as if they are unreal and I don’t feel any purpose.

I strongy believe that Abilify as a mood stabalizer is actually not good at all for us.! Not in the dose the doc says ’ she is to decide on!” ( True?)
She wants to keep a very high dose, even after I am not forced to take the med anymore.

This past year has been Lonely inside without much connection to my alters, and psychologicaly miserable in many other ways too.

The doc always says ” How do you Know it is the medication ( that is the problem)??”
Well, There is a very clear before- and after. She knows that ” I” know my body well and can sense what is what.

I am so tired of always presenting as One/ to be seen as this singleton, , and not to be seen as who we really are,inside, and formaly outside too.
I have clearly ( to me) different personas/ who ” I” am when outside, or when we are at home. (This developed early on , in early childhood).

I dissociatiate heavily from myself on this level of medication, and typically when outside . too.
Even though the Clinic believes me to be ’ closer to myself’ now, when I don’t / can not dissociate like I used to. And am not in touch with the alters inside. / do not say ” we ” anymore, but present as ” I”.
I know what feels right/ is true, is
” we” and ”us” though.

Actually, Not to be able to dissociate, hardly at all, and not to have the flexability inside, when on this dose of Abilify is the problem for me. The doctor didn’t listen when I told her that.
I miss my alters!

How do I get the psychiatrist to hear me out?

Thanks for reading!
I found that through Shamanic journeying, a meditative practice involving drumming at a particular rhythmic speed which induces a meditative state, and intentionally creating a safe inner space and going to that space with an intention; a question (usually some conflict I was having) or with a problem to try to solve, with an open mind, has been a very healing practice for the last several years. It is important to travel in my mind, with a spirit guide to keep me feeling safe-this concept of a spirit guide is a standard practice for all types of shamanic journeys. Once you practice having a safe space, and have found your spirit guide to befriend you on your journey, than you can be ready to meet with your insiders, and each may choose or choose not to come to your safe place to meet when/if they feel safe enough to do so. There are books on shamanic journeying and dissociative disorders/mental health disorders. There are many shamanic practitioners who are certified therapists and trauma therapists and this is just one way to have a meet-up in a safe place within the shamanic world, with your insiders. Shamanism is practiced all over the world, on all continents.....and I give my thanks to those shamanic healing practitioners from various cultures who practice Shamanism in order to aid/heal individuals seeking to find or meet up with a lost part or parts of themselves, and thanks for their wisdom in the healing journey. This process requires no drugs or increase in meds.
 
Thanks @TruthSeeker for the suggestion! Will look into some music.

For me it is crucial for my wellbeing to have a connection to the insiders.
 
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