Can Someone Please Explain 'dissociative Episodes'?

[sharky]

I have tried researching it and have come up short every time. In the forums wiki>Diagnosis, under (C)PTSD, there is a part that says as follows(as an effect of CPTSD):
"Alterations in attention and consciousness leading to amnesias and dissociative episodes and depersonalization,"

That makes sense to me, and I am pretty sure it applies in my case. However it is incredibly hard to find information. Does anyone have any insight/thoughts?

 

[chaoticwings]

I can only speak from personal experience.

I have an internal system with a hierarchy in place that basically manages my (our) life. I'm the one that had to grow up. Sometimes things happen like my inner child insists on coloring and bam I'm pulled back and she's sitting on the floor with crayolas. Or they make a decision that I'm too unstable to handle life and someone else is sent up front for awhile. Sometimes I can talk through the others, sometimes I'm not there at all, and sometimes I get to watch but that's it.

The reason I'm here in these forums at all is because of the new trauma from a recently abusive relationship. At the end of it I dissociated the final one and only event of physical abuse and didn't remember what actually happened to me until I was completely safe and that was an entire week later.

This is my truth, I hope it helps with the puzzle.

 

[I Can Do This]

Dissociation as I understand it, (and I'm not the authority!) is a defense mechanism we resort too when our panic and overwhelm are rising to a greater level than we can tolerate. We have no option to fight or flee (whether real or from habitual patterns) and so we freeze.

Dissociation is like trying to disappear inside yourself. In the animal kingdom freeze is what an animal would do that can't escape and is too small to fight. They pretend they are dead. In the animal kingdom they will pass on an animal that is already dead - they eat only what they can kill. So pretending to be dead is a defense mechanism when no other option is available - and it might work to save their life.

If you want to see an example of it there is a powerful video on youtube called "Evil Owl". The owl cannot flee, so you see it in fight, and then in freeze. If you watch the video - pay attention to its eyes - you will see it dissociate.

 

[Lucycat]

My understanding is slightly different.

You can freeze without dissociation, and you can dissociate without freezing.

For example you can dissociate - ie be totally spaced out and not aware of what you are doing - while at the same time walking down the street, or scarily crossing a road. So you are not frozen.

Conversely you can be frozen ( Like literally scared stiff, paralysed and unable to move) while totally aware of what is going on. It is a terrifying state to be in. Hearing and seeing but unable to react.

I am sure you will have read that there is a spectrum of dissociation from very mild ( normal = driving a familiar route and being oblivious to the surroundings) to severe when you find yourself in a strange town with no idea or memory about how you got there. There is a vast array in between.

I have 'episodes' when I am under extreme stress. I Can Do This, is correct in saying it is like disappearing inside oneself. I am told I stare into space and stop reacting ( to conversation or whatever) and appear spaced out to others. Afterwards I have no idea how long I have been like that - seconds/minutes. Time is 'lost'.

Apparently it is a learned behaviour that serves as a protective mechanism in childhood, when events seem just too dreadful to bear. It is very clever, but has outlived its purpose when it continues into adulthood.

 

[Red Feather]

I dissociate a lot but I am always aware. Apparently mostly people don't have this the way I experience it. It feels like a really strong wave of something comes over me or hits me, and then am really distant. Sometimes I can't understand what people are saying. It is rather unpleasant, and if it is very strong, than I am not well and usually house-bound for a few days afterwards. Sometimes I also freeze and can not move. And I am still aware and feel like I am fighting with something. It's rather scary. Also, I get those moments when everything is really fast, and I am really slow. My doctor says it is a form of depersonalisation. They are just differents types or degrees of the same "symptom."

 

[raven123]

I used to dissociate a lot. Different handwriting (still have that depending on whose out), did something and didn't remember, miss whole time periods. One went to school, one lived at home, etc. Today, we have co-consciousness and co-knowledge and can switch at will. I have 2 alters and they can do pretty much what they want.

What it feels like? If it's an extremely stressful switch, I'll get dizzy and things get fuzzy and my head feels cool. Otherwise, the one switched to just feels a sudden rush in the head.

 

[Abstract]

Hi,

This is a thread that you might find helpful: [DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/dissociation-explained.13879/[/DLMURL]

An easy ish way to break it down in my opinion is 1, depersonalisation (when we are distanced from ourselves or our bodies in some way), 2, derealisation (where our environment is changed or we distance ourselves from it); 3, dissociative trance states, 4, conversion symptoms (physical disconnections) and 5, personality dissociation.

When I was figuring it out it helped to hear peoples personal descriptions of their symptoms as these things are impossible to put into words.

 

[sharky]

Thank you guys so much. I think I suffer mostly from, as described as above "dissociative trances" or rather from dissociating while doing other things(like crossing the road, as described by Lucycat). I also have had problems with dissociating during a conversation and it is almost like they are speaking another language to me and no matter how hard I try, I cannot piece together what they are saying - even though the individual words make sense, the entirety of what they are saying doesn't.

Anyways, thank you guys so much. This really helped make a lot of sense to me. I was having a lot of trouble trying to find things about it. And thank you Abstract for the link, I am going to check it out now.

 

[Changing4Best]

My worst one lasted 2 weeks. I can remember it somewhat, but I had little to no control over myself while it happened. I would wait for instructions from others and if none came my way, I would ask if it was Okay to do this or that. I only ate canned soup, didn't cook for hubby and waited for his "orders" or his approval.

Finally when HE realized something was amiss, he took me out for a walk and had me look at things until I seemed to be myself again and snapped out of it. If I recall, I'd stayed in my nightgown the whole two weeks too. A lot of the episode I don't remember, I think, but I am not sure now how much of it I ever did recall.

There was another one that lasted days too, but I cannot recall much of it now, in fact the two episodes kind of blend into one in my mind. This one was father back in time.

I know that as a young child, I was molested and abused by my father's father. He directed my every moment until he was discovered when I was about 6. I was developmentally delayed in learning to speak until I was almost 4 because he told me repeatedly not to tell anyone. That became in my mind (I guess) not to talk at all, so I just babbled in jibberish on and on, no one being able to understand a word of it. I'm also dyslexic, so that may have contributed to all this too, in terms of the speaking disability.

 

[Crimson]

When I used to disassociate I couldn't speak, they told me not to. I couldn't open doors, they told me not to, so on with eating, and drinking with out orders to do so. I have no idea how long I was in the hands of my captors.
When I disassociated I would become a small child in a large body, angry, wounded, scared and compliant.
I don't disassociate anymore but that's because I drink, a lot, every day. Not something I'd suggest. It sucks.
Thanks