My goodness. I am going to start a thread. The reason is to find out if anyone else here has the multiplicity problems I do. And if they do, how they cope with them.
I suffer with Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD) on top of PTSD. I have so many alternative personalities. They range in age from 2-my current age. sigh. It depends upon who is out as to how I handle things. This morning, I was several different alters bounching in and out. It's because of 1) pain level 2) vulnerablity 3) anxiety.
I'm not sure who was out and up front this morning, but whom ever it was, they don't know how to ground. That was a real problem. I was there, but since I wasn't up front, I had no control over anything. All I could do was watch.
I got triggered, and while I keep grounding and doing all I know how to do to wait until Friday when I can talk to my therapist, the others inside don't know how to do that.
Let me describe my morning for you, so perhaps you can understand.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013 - 5:07 am
I felt like as though I was sleeping my car last night. I woke up this morning and that left shoulder felt as though I was leaning against the car door, and it was winter, at night. My legs were cramped, from being in the position I was in, and it felt as though I was waiting for a gunshot to sound out and I'd be dead.
My eyes were open, yet my body felt like it was back in time. I could see my blinds, and my alarm clock, but in my minds eye I could also see the railroad tracks running along side the car. Yet I was on my bed, not in a car. I had to pee, but I couldn't move, because of my stiffness. Plus, I knew there was no place other than in the open for me to pee in. So, I just stayed where I was.
It took a few minutes before I realized I needed to bring myself back totally into the present. So, I thought about coming here and writing down that crazy dream. It hurt to move, but I knew I had to, so, with my right hand, I grabbed the trapeze, which hangs over my bed and pulled myself sideways. Then i just lay there with my legs hanging over the side of the bed. For some reason, I couldn't lift my body. It felt so heavy.
I looked around my room, at my other wheelchair, and how spartan my room is now. It felt like it was not my room. The furniture was different than my furniture. Nothing recognizable. For a little while, I wasn't sure where I was. I was not in a car, but I wasn't sure where I was. I knew it was my room, because I was on my bed, yet, I wasn't on my bed. I listened to the night, to try and figure out if it was anyplace that sounded familiar, but it wasn't. For some reason, I was waiting to see if someone else came into the room. That got me up. I didn't want to be in a bed, in a strange place, if anyone else was in the house. I ached so bad, it felt as though I'd been beaten up and left for dead. A familiary feeling, I knew I had to get out of there, NOW. before anyone came back.
The pain level of sitting up was familiar, yet not familiar. I saw my power-chair, with the cords plugged in, and knew I had to move the body from where I was sitting over into the chair, but I wasn't sure how. I bit my lip and tried to stand. It was hard to move this body. I told myself, once I built a campfire, I'd warm up and it would be all right. Then I thought, "Wait. This is indoors." I reached out my left arm to put it on the wheelchair, and it was painful to extend it. So I pushed hard on my leg muscles and my right hand to lift myself and swing over into the chair. That right knee hurt to put pressure on it, but I knew I had to in order to move.
Once I got into the chair, for a moment I didn't know what to do. I just sat there, trying to wake up. Then, I remembered I had to turn the chair around and head for the light. I did, and recognized where I was. From that point, I was all right.
I hate it when I"m not 100% in my mind and body when I wake up. Once I got to the kitchen, I took 2 pain pills, and had some applesauce, then, went over to the bathroom and put on a skirt and blouse. Then came out here and turned on the computer.
2:08pm
Now I am reaching out to you all. If you have any clue what it feels like to do this, have you spoken to your therapist about it? if you have, what kind of help did you get? Any help would appreciated.
Thank you in advance for answering.
I suffer with Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD) on top of PTSD. I have so many alternative personalities. They range in age from 2-my current age. sigh. It depends upon who is out as to how I handle things. This morning, I was several different alters bounching in and out. It's because of 1) pain level 2) vulnerablity 3) anxiety.
I'm not sure who was out and up front this morning, but whom ever it was, they don't know how to ground. That was a real problem. I was there, but since I wasn't up front, I had no control over anything. All I could do was watch.
I got triggered, and while I keep grounding and doing all I know how to do to wait until Friday when I can talk to my therapist, the others inside don't know how to do that.
Let me describe my morning for you, so perhaps you can understand.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013 - 5:07 am
I felt like as though I was sleeping my car last night. I woke up this morning and that left shoulder felt as though I was leaning against the car door, and it was winter, at night. My legs were cramped, from being in the position I was in, and it felt as though I was waiting for a gunshot to sound out and I'd be dead.
My eyes were open, yet my body felt like it was back in time. I could see my blinds, and my alarm clock, but in my minds eye I could also see the railroad tracks running along side the car. Yet I was on my bed, not in a car. I had to pee, but I couldn't move, because of my stiffness. Plus, I knew there was no place other than in the open for me to pee in. So, I just stayed where I was.
It took a few minutes before I realized I needed to bring myself back totally into the present. So, I thought about coming here and writing down that crazy dream. It hurt to move, but I knew I had to, so, with my right hand, I grabbed the trapeze, which hangs over my bed and pulled myself sideways. Then i just lay there with my legs hanging over the side of the bed. For some reason, I couldn't lift my body. It felt so heavy.
I looked around my room, at my other wheelchair, and how spartan my room is now. It felt like it was not my room. The furniture was different than my furniture. Nothing recognizable. For a little while, I wasn't sure where I was. I was not in a car, but I wasn't sure where I was. I knew it was my room, because I was on my bed, yet, I wasn't on my bed. I listened to the night, to try and figure out if it was anyplace that sounded familiar, but it wasn't. For some reason, I was waiting to see if someone else came into the room. That got me up. I didn't want to be in a bed, in a strange place, if anyone else was in the house. I ached so bad, it felt as though I'd been beaten up and left for dead. A familiary feeling, I knew I had to get out of there, NOW. before anyone came back.
The pain level of sitting up was familiar, yet not familiar. I saw my power-chair, with the cords plugged in, and knew I had to move the body from where I was sitting over into the chair, but I wasn't sure how. I bit my lip and tried to stand. It was hard to move this body. I told myself, once I built a campfire, I'd warm up and it would be all right. Then I thought, "Wait. This is indoors." I reached out my left arm to put it on the wheelchair, and it was painful to extend it. So I pushed hard on my leg muscles and my right hand to lift myself and swing over into the chair. That right knee hurt to put pressure on it, but I knew I had to in order to move.
Once I got into the chair, for a moment I didn't know what to do. I just sat there, trying to wake up. Then, I remembered I had to turn the chair around and head for the light. I did, and recognized where I was. From that point, I was all right.
I hate it when I"m not 100% in my mind and body when I wake up. Once I got to the kitchen, I took 2 pain pills, and had some applesauce, then, went over to the bathroom and put on a skirt and blouse. Then came out here and turned on the computer.
2:08pm
Now I am reaching out to you all. If you have any clue what it feels like to do this, have you spoken to your therapist about it? if you have, what kind of help did you get? Any help would appreciated.
Thank you in advance for answering.
