Can't "not Cry" In Therapy

[Mayday]

I have read a few threads about people not being able to cry in therapy...but for me, I have the opposite problem and it's something I find really embarrassing and it makes me feel pathetic and weak, and provides absolutely no emotional release at all.

I just feel so weak and pathetic having to talk to someone about my issues, that the tears start welling up in my eyes and though I try to stop it, it's like someone else takes over and I have no control over it. The weird thing is, I can feel really detached about whatever I'm talking about, but I will be crying at the same time.

I hate crying in front of people. I don't ever cry in front of anyone I know unless it's at a funeral. But then I never try to talk to people I know about the kind of stuff I go see my doctor or a therapist about. It's not a trust thing, it's more like my body reacts like a little kid being interrogated by some scary, big adult in a position of authority...In fact, that's exactly how it feels, like my body is betraying me by crying...but emotionally I get no release from it.

I have severe trust issues with therapists, and I feel like it gives them the wrong impression when I cry, like they think they are getting somewhere with me, or that I'm emotionally reacting, when actually I'm not. I'm about to start therapy with a new therapist, and for the first time ever, I've indicated that I want to talk about some abuse-type issues (I've never talked to anyone about that ever in my life) and it's freaking me out.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for with this post, I guess I'm just hoping that I'm not the only person who reacts like this, and if anyone else does this, are there ways that have helped you in order to regain control during therapy and not be derailed by crying?

 

[Ted Moen]

It's ok to cry in therapy. It's part of the therapeutic process. Keep talking about the stuff you need to talk about.

Ted

 

[maddog]

Hi Maybell. Selfishly, I was so relieved to see your post, and to hear that I'm not the only one who is in tears almost before I've walked in my therapist's door. In every other context in my life, I relate to everyone who says they can't cry, even when they want to, often feel numb and detach/dissociate when emotions begin to build etc, but somehow, over time, therapy has become the one exception to that rule in my life, and my outpourings of emotion in front of my T are as extreme and uncontrollable as my numbness is in most other situations.

I am thankful to say that for me, this has come along with learning to trust my T, and presumably the outlet of emotion is directly linked to trust, as he is truly the only person in my world I do trust, and is hence the only one who sees me cry.
Having said that, the frequency and extent of my crying really does bother and embarrass me, and scares me for the loss of control that underlies it, just as you say. While I am no longer afraid that he will judge or shame me for it, I am ever increasingly afraid that I might never get over it, and there is no doubt that it often prevents us from being able to work as hard as we otherwise could - my distress levels just get too out of control too quickly.

I am lucky, i know that. In my case there is genuine emotional release and validation in being able to cry, and it does feel safe, in spite of my frustration. I'm sorry that this isn't your experience and can absolutely empathise with how uncomfortable and distressing it must feel to have your body react seemingly so out of step with your subjective experience of what is happening.

I know it's easy to say "just talk to your T about it", particularly when the issues of trust are so much a part of the problem. But truly, to the extent that you can, I really do think that trying to verbalise some of your struggle and concern may help to release some of their hold over you, and may actually open the door to some meaningful discussion you can have with your new T that will give him/her some insight into who you are and some of your key issues, while giving you some outlet for dealing with this.

Really feeling for you here. Let us know how it goes with the new T.

Maddog

 

[Bubba]

Maybell - I am also a crier and I hate it. But for me it's not just in therapy it's ALL the time - but like you said - with no release. Ever since I can remember when faced with any kind of confrontation, I would shut down, but stand there crying. My mind would go elsewhere. I'd be having conversations in my head. I wouldn't be able to speak. I would just stand there (or sit) and cry.

It seems like any type of emotion that comes upon me (happy, sad, angry, etc...) - I cry. But again, I don't get any release from it...just a major headache, splotchy red face, puffy eyes and embarrassment.

I try hard each time I feel a crying thing coming on to hold it in. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But I absolutely HATE it!

 

[Hashi]

I cry loads, especially in therapy. The number of tissues I get through is embarrassing. Sometimes it gives me emotional release and sometimes it's just frustrating or even seems to make me feel worse.

I cry in response to different emotions, not only sadness or grief. Anger, anxiety, stress and frustration also makie me cry, especially in a situation where I have less control than I want to have.

Maybell, even if you feel detached from what you're discussing in therapy, you're still connecting to it in a way. Maybe your body wants to release something, somehow, even though your mind is keeping control. Or maybe your body wants to communicate your pain because your mind finds it too difficult.

In a way, your body probably is betraying you because it's saying something that you don't want it to say, but I don't think it's acting against you. I think when things like this happen that are hard to control, the body has a strong reason for doing them and it's usually some kind of healing process, even if that's not clear to us, or not welcome.

I'd suggest you try to go with it - accept that it's happening for a reason. I definitely agree with Maddog about talking to your therapist about it. I know building trust in therapy can be difficult, but I've found that talking with the therapist about that difficulty, and about things that could make you feel safer, is the best way through it. It would also give you the opportunity to explain that you don't want want him/her to misinterpret your tears, if you wanted to.

 

[Lina]

I have to tell you, Maybell, I have the same response. I never cry in front of anyone, ever. In fact, I hate to cry, period, but when I sit down in my therapist's office, there they go, flowing like a river. I hate it, too, and I feel weak for crying like I do, as well. I tell her I'm not normally like that. For me, I've found that I'm so comfortable being numb in my daily life, so used to "sucking it up and pushing forward" that I don't allow myself to think about anything that happened to me, certainly not feel anything about it. Then, I'm sitting there with my therapist, talking about things I never discuss, i.e. feelings, the traumas, etc. and I can't help it. I don't have an answer for you, but I can tell you you're not the only one who experiences it, as I've seen from other posters here. I'm new here, too. I wish you nothing but progress and good health, dear.

 

[JasmineDog]

I have a kind of radical message, only based on my own experience, but hopefully helpful.

I had so many different talk therapists through the years, and each one helped (some hindered) my journey in some way by giving me knowledge. I would cry during sessions (never crying anywhere else, unless drunk) as traumas were recounted, but ended up at 45 feeling like a complete failure because I couldn't seem to put into practice all of the tools I had been given.

Of course you cry when you re-live trauma, because you haven't healed from it, and it is impossible to heal from it as long as it is stored in the emotional part of your brain. Whenever you are triggered, up it comes. No possible other outcome.

I had never heard of EMDR until I found a PTSD therapist who practiced it, and now 18 months later, I am a calm content person. I am so logical now, and look back and wince when I think about how I used to feel that my racing thoughts were just a sign of how "bright" I was that I had so much to think about... not realizing that a healthy mind is usually empty until a choice is made to think about something.

My EMDR therapist told a story about how she attended a symposium held by the nation's top couple's counselor who was telling a story about patients he had been seeing for 5 years, and all she could think was "What's wrong that you haven't cured them yet?". Her success rate is 100%. How lucky I am to have found her....

I hope for you all the same success.