I'm embarrassed to post this, but my husband will sometimes put me in chokeholds when I make a joke he doesn't like or when I push him away from grinding on me while making breakfast or something. He used to do it when I would act erratically from memories of past abuse. Anyways, he doesn't do it with malice, he just does it to be funny or to calm me down. I really don't want any lectures or anything, but just wondering if this has happened to anyone else? We put just shake it off after it happens and it does calm me down when I panic or get anxious about past things.
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Dom Violence Chokeholds
- Post starter Sandi
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- Post starter
- #3
He probably could.
Gs172003
Diamond Member
My brother would do it at random but he did all kinds of goofy things at random like wrestle with you all of a sudden etc.
- Post starter
- #5
Yeah, I think it's a guy thing. He'll play fight with me, too.
Friday
Sponsor
There are a whole lot of actions that, on paper, can be either; abusive or... Playful/ useful/ desired/ etc.
If it's something you enjoy whilst playing, and calms you down whist panicking, and is overall a good thing in your life? I wouldn't categorize it as abuse.
I've had boyfriends hit, punch, kick, knock me down, knock me into a wall, throw me, pin me, choke me, and in most other imaginable ways attack me... We were sparring. It was a mutually agreed upon activity. Sometimes one or the other of us got marked up, but not hurt. Sometimes one or the other of us would get hurt. It was always an accident. Purely the fact that it is physical violence? Doesn't mean it's abusive. Purely the fact that one of us would get hurt? Doesn't mean it's abuse.
The question of whether or not an act is abusive or not? I've found depends less on the act itself, and more the execution of the act, and the motivation behind it.
If it's something you enjoy whilst playing, and calms you down whist panicking, and is overall a good thing in your life? I wouldn't categorize it as abuse.
I've had boyfriends hit, punch, kick, knock me down, knock me into a wall, throw me, pin me, choke me, and in most other imaginable ways attack me... We were sparring. It was a mutually agreed upon activity. Sometimes one or the other of us got marked up, but not hurt. Sometimes one or the other of us would get hurt. It was always an accident. Purely the fact that it is physical violence? Doesn't mean it's abusive. Purely the fact that one of us would get hurt? Doesn't mean it's abuse.
The question of whether or not an act is abusive or not? I've found depends less on the act itself, and more the execution of the act, and the motivation behind it.
Gs172003
Diamond Member
My brother wasn't abusive as much as he was a pain in the butt lol
Freedomfighter
Diamond Member
Without being too personal. If someone does something that a PTSD victim can not tolerate than that person should be told that it stresses a victim out. If that particular person then repeats that behavior that person does it knowing full well that it will cause the other pain, physically or mentally.
I would worry if that happens, I have had to deal with predators who have had me in a mental choke hold, some for many years. Repeated behavior, refusing to change behavior to me sounds aggressive.
I don't know, I'm confused. Do you mean like just his arm around your neck? I personally would be worried about what it would turn into but that's just me.
My experience was much different in that my ex husband would choke me until I blacked out when he got angry with me, (which was all the time) and then he would turn around and tell people he had to hold me down because he was trying to "calm" me down. I have a lot of issues when people touch me now, even playfully.
My experience was much different in that my ex husband would choke me until I blacked out when he got angry with me, (which was all the time) and then he would turn around and tell people he had to hold me down because he was trying to "calm" me down. I have a lot of issues when people touch me now, even playfully.
If it's something you enjoy and find funny and calming you down? The more good for you :D
Wouldn't class it as abusive, it's something you agreed on. Now, if there's time you don't enjoy it at all, or outright request him to stop? That's a different issue altogether. But if he's sticking to pre-agreed behaviors & way of treating you that to you reads as loving, respectful, decent? I wouldn't worry too much about it, just keep the usual careful of each other.
& As to 'does anyone else', yes. Less with romantic partners and more with friends/mentors, since relationships are already blurred lines on me and some boundaries I need firm in stone, but the same applies: The same act can be a thousand different things.
Wouldn't class it as abusive, it's something you agreed on. Now, if there's time you don't enjoy it at all, or outright request him to stop? That's a different issue altogether. But if he's sticking to pre-agreed behaviors & way of treating you that to you reads as loving, respectful, decent? I wouldn't worry too much about it, just keep the usual careful of each other.
& As to 'does anyone else', yes. Less with romantic partners and more with friends/mentors, since relationships are already blurred lines on me and some boundaries I need firm in stone, but the same applies: The same act can be a thousand different things.
The Albatross
VIP Member
This is in "domestic violence" forum. Are you wondering if there's a shift in the dynamic?
Can you respond a bit more about, "...husband will sometimes put me in chokeholds when I make a joke he doesn't like or when I push him away from grinding on me while making breakfast or something. He used to do it when I would act erratically from memories of past abuse. Anyways, he doesn't do it with malice, he just does it to be funny or to calm me down."
He used to do it when you would act erratically from memories... v.s. when I make a joke he doesn't like or when I push him away from grinding on me while making breakfast or something. (a bit of a change on his part?)
I dunno, perhaps the heretofore assistive habit of using chokeholds has normalized and is now a behavior that in some ways you find repressive?
Can you respond a bit more about, "...husband will sometimes put me in chokeholds when I make a joke he doesn't like or when I push him away from grinding on me while making breakfast or something. He used to do it when I would act erratically from memories of past abuse. Anyways, he doesn't do it with malice, he just does it to be funny or to calm me down."
He used to do it when you would act erratically from memories... v.s. when I make a joke he doesn't like or when I push him away from grinding on me while making breakfast or something. (a bit of a change on his part?)
I dunno, perhaps the heretofore assistive habit of using chokeholds has normalized and is now a behavior that in some ways you find repressive?
foreveralone2099
Bronze Member
holy f*ck OP that's a dealbreaker
jesus christ leave this guy
jesus christ leave this guy
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