Choosing priorities when slightly suicidal?

[SeekingAfrica]

I've been suicidal, I've been low, depressed, sleeping all day, and so on...I've been trying to take charge of things. Pay bills, organize, exercise here and there, just try to create some order in the chaos in my head so may be thing will become bearable.

But at the same time, my schedule has gone crazy. I sleep a LOT, in chunks, I have nightmares during the night...I push myself to do some stuff during the day, and get fatigued and sad so fast. So I basically do something-sleep-do something-sleep.

The thing is I just got on my feet and logically I should stay with basics. Make sure that I simplify things and do all that is a must with the small amount of energy I have. On the other hand I get these really strong waves of "what's the point in anything" and that scares me. And I feel may be now I can't really cut corners and hang back.

Now is the time to do self care things. Now is the time to go to museums and one day trips and read a lot. Now is the time to soak as much inspiration as I can and go for my business for real- I spend months planning it and research and gathering information, just then life happened and I couldn't really develop it. It's online so it's not much cost associated, it's more the time that I need to put into it. And of course depending on what I do there may be some cost.
But the thing is considering how low I feel, shouldn't I allow myself to go a little crazy, take a risk and put all I can into it, to at least have a purpose? I don't know anymore. I just know that the way I live now, I'm surviving, but even if I am working and paying all my bills and so on...that's not enough. At the state that I'm in I feel this wave of pain and energy. Like I have to push, I have to do something that will make it feel worth living for. I have to. But then again, am I crazy for taking a risk?

But then again I've been preparing for it mentally for a long time, and may be I'll never be more ready. And may be when I feel that there is no point of me sticking around, is exactly the right time for risks because I need something to change. I don't know anymore. What do you guys feel? Please just don't judge my thought process too much, I'm already hard enough on myself.

p.s. that doesn't mean not doing the job I do have, I still need it for some sure income...but it does mean investing some time and money into my passion on the side without knowing whether it works before I try

 

[ladee]

I think.... that you are on the right track of going for it.... the depression and fatigue has you questioning every positive move you make... because this is your purpose, you have put a lot of work and energy into this.... it means a lot to you.... depression , I live with it every single day.... but it doesn't stop our lives... we are tired.... of all of it... and what's the point??? Hell girl, I don't know... I am many eons older than you and I still ask that question, as I'm doing what I need and want to do.... but I do invest in my personal purpose... just in case... just in case it's going to pay off, just in case it has a lot of rewards that I so desire, just in case ..... that's the other side of 'what's the point'...

So go for your dream.... we know how to fail, we don't know how to succeed.... scary turf, that, we don't get to taste that too often... I've done some of my best work depressed... it plays it's part... we learn from it.... and hopefully the next time it hits in spades, we get it, that it will eventually pass and we just have to keep on keepin' on.... just in case....

Gentle hugs if you accept.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I think.... that you are on the right track of going for it.... the depression and fatigue has you questi...

You think so? I mean I know, I can't ask people in a forum to give me validation...I have just lost so much faith in me these last month, and that makes everything so hard...The amount of preparation I've put into it fades, and suddenly I start thinking that it doesn't matter what skills I have, what research I've done. It doesn't matter that it has worked for other people, how can it ever work for me?

 

[ladee]

You won't know unless you try.... give it a little more practical thought, not emotional thought, if you can.