Relationship Codependence Vs Support

[Ineedtoo]

I'm trying to figure out how to set the boundaries I need in my marriage, what is appropriate for me to do to help my husband cope with his symptoms, and how far I'm willing to go to enforce those boundaries.

I've been married to a PTSD (vet) sufferer ten years, about 6 of which he was definitely suffering PTSD, but also he may have already been suffering abuse related PTSD.
The background info is that several years ago he suffered from SI and and dealt with it by cheating on me rather than ending his life. He left me for 8 months when the girl found out she was pregnant. Since the separation ended, I have been trying to find a way to combat the fear and anxiety that has caused me. At the same time, I have tried to be considerate and helpful in regard to his symptoms.

The problem is that there is a built in expectation from him that I help him manage his symptoms and be his sympathetic ear, and at the same time has told me that the boundaries I need with his relationships with other women are disrespectful to him and he won't be treated that way.

Over the last year or so my chronic depression and anxiety have returned because of this dynamic. I have taken the time and put in work on my own mental health in that time and now I'm looking for advice on how to balance my needs with his. Does anyone have any insight on what types of actions would be healthy help and what is more providing a crutch?
Additionally, it would be helpful if anyone has advice about dealing with infidelity and how much I should expect for him to be willing to work with me to re establish trust.

Thanks

 

[Sweetpea76]

Nope... he has no say in your boundaries. They're your limits. You decide what they are, and he can choose to respect them or not.

 

[Fadeaway]

There is nothing wrong with telling him that you only have X amount of support to give him.

As a suffer I think it is easier on both parties to have the supporter lay out exactly how much support they are able to offer ahead of time. A burnt out supporter is worse than no support.

 

[boodle]

I'm trying to figure out how to set the boundaries I need in my marriage, what is appropriate for me to do to help my...

Hi @Ineedtoo,
You're doing the right thing by working on your mental health. However without boundaries the good work you are doing will be undone. Strong boundaries are a must and its up to you what you are willing to put up with. Sometimes an easier way to decide is to imagine you are giving advice to your best friend, what would you expect her to put up with?

 

[grimalkin]

He cheated on you and got someone else pregnant? I think you are well within your rights to establish boundaries on what you're willing to tolerate regarding his contact with other women (and everything else), and what he needs to do to earn your trust back.

My own path with my (soon to be ex) sufferer has been fraught with my own loosening of boundaries, which backfired entirely and turned our relationship into codependence. I am very flexible and willing to compromise - my sufferer is not. So, naturally, it was my own boundaries that got trampled, because the alternative was ending our relationship, which was not an acceptable option for me.

So decide what your boundaries are, what you are willing to accept, and what he has to do to earn your trust again. Communicate what those boundaries and expectations are. And be ready to accept that he may say "I can't do that," and decide, and stick to, what the consequences are. Because sliding on them will just slide you into codependence and undo everything you're doing for your own mental health.

I think one time I managed to provide support with boundaries for my own sufferer was in regards to dental work - he needed a lot of dental work and had for a long time. I told him that I would support him in whatever way he needed to get the work done. I would not say "Oh it's ok" if he opted to just ignore it forever (which is what he wanted to do - and I'm talking not just needing a clean - he had teeth falling out, and was already having other health problems as a direct result of his dental issues). But, if he needed me to make appointments for him, do the insurance legwork, get him to and from appointments, I would help. I would do what he needed to accomplish getting his teeth fixed.

Codependence came when I let him cross a boundary that was normally a deal breaker for me - that boundary got crossed, which showed I was willing to compromise on things I shouldn't have, and he was allowed to get away with behavior that I should not have tolerated. That means he didn't need to address his own issues, and that I was willing to enable his behavior.

It seems like a common theme for supporters - our sufferers have so many rules to follow, to be able to stay in their lives, and too often they are in conflict with our own needs, wants, desires, and best interests. It's been a very hard realization to come to that I'm not doing him any favors by giving up myself (and letting him trample my boundaries), and if I'm compromising on everything, while his only compromise is that he sticks around, that maybe it's best for both of us to be apart. As others have already mentioned - ask yourself if you would tolerate behavior in any other relationship in your life, or if PTSD wasn't part of the equation. As I keep learning, PTSD isn't an excuse for bad behavior.

 

[Snowflakes]

@ineedtoo ...to answer your last question, I think only you can answer that. Me personally? That is a boundary that, if crossed, means it's irrevocably over and nothing would rebuild that trust. Others may have the ability to forgive and forget. The middle between the extremes depends on our individual,personalities.

I will say that if you both decide to stay together he must be willing to do whatever and everything necessary to rebuild your trust....and then more. As @grimalkin wrote above, PTSD is not an excuse for bad behavior and infidelity is bad behavior. He needs to do whatever you feel is necessary for you to rebuild trust. PTSD is not an excuse to hurt you that way.

 

[awayhome06]

There is nothing wrong with telling him that you only have X amount of support to give him.

As a suff...

Would you have any advice on how to get that across lovingly? My attempts as I have been addressing my depression and anxiety have led to him hiding things from me instead under the misunderstanding that I can't handle anything and he's a burden to me.

 

[awayhome06]

He cheated on you and got someone else pregnant? I think you are well within your rights to establish...

Thank you, that is all incredibly helpful. I am starting to realize that codependence is what causes my mental health problems to begin with, so addressing that is simply part of my recovery. And that allowing it to continue will quite literally prevent me from recovering.

I love my husband to a degree that I am willing to hurt myself in order to help him. I'm sure that's fairly normal. But aside from the normal complications that causes, he isn't improving. He is using me as a coping mechanism instead of treating me as a partner.

I am still trying to figure out how I can be there for him and maintain my own needs, but even if I do that perfectly, he will have to change his perspective of what I am to him for my relationship needs to be met. That's a hard realization because it means that even if he decides to respect my boundaries, I could still be end up having to leave.

 

[awayhome06]

FYI, in case there is any confusion, this was my post I just couldn't get it to post properly under my name

 

[Fadeaway]

Write a 2 column list. 1 column being what you are willing and able to do. The 2nd column being what you are unwilling or unable to do. Give him the list. Don't worry about trying to do it in a loving manner. You need be direct about it and stick to it.

I wish my supporter would have done this before I crossed his boundaries that I didn't know where there, leading to bitterness and resentment that played out in a passive aggressive manner because he was to afraid to be firm with his boundaries.

 

[awayhome06]

Write a 2 column list. 1 column being what you are willing and able to do. The 2nd column being what y...

Thank you, I will