Relationship Coming Down From A Trigger

[CCurry]

It seems rather absurd to me that my bf's therapists have labelled me his trigger. Not necessarily me but the association of helplessness and guilt that he often felt in combat. Whatever the case, being in my presence causes him to trigger and so it makes it impossible to have a relationship, okay well a normal relationship. Even though it would be really easy to end "us" he is not willing to and so we carry on.

His therapist's have given him homework - he is to spend one hour everyday with me. So he started on Monday evening (we have now had 2 consecutive nights) and even though from my perspective it went really well when he left and got back to his apartment it took him about 4 hours he said to come down from the trigger.

When I heard that this morning, I had a feeling of hopelessness but it'll be something that has to be addressed in therapy (he has a session today and another tomorrow). I think he's happy that I'm this stubborn woman that is resolved to see him through and I am determined to fight this alongside him, it's just that our circumstances our unusual?

:wall:

 

[ISupportHer]

I will think about you and this thread today. Respond later. But in the mean time:
:Hug_emoticon:to you as you struggle with all of this.

ISH

 

[kers]

All kinds of things can, in our minds, become associated with trauma. A dear family member is one of my biggest. I love spending time with her, but it's hard on me, too.

The fact that he is systematically working to desensitize himself--to, in essence, recognize that you are safe--says that he is working to sustain your relationship. At least, that's how I read it. I'm sure it can't be easy for you, either.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think that it can be very different from someone being a trigger, or what emotions/ fears they evoke being the trigger, or just a plain understanding that they don't get it, or don't care.

I wish you much help with this.

 

[CCurry]

Thanks guys that is the plan Kers to work on desensitizing himself and we are both working toward coming back together as a couple and somedays I feel deflated about whether that will happen.

Junebug, I've read your post quite a few times and maybe the fact that I haven't been sleeping too well these days but I'm trying to get the meaning behind it....sorry. Can you clarify?

Thx.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear CCurry,

The only way I can explain it is to take the opposite analogy that 'you' are the one affected by his presence: only you (working on it) can determine, is it because his very presence recalls negative emotions and feelings of unsafety; OR, do you feel anxious because you feel that you cannot be the partner he needs/ deserves; OR, is it because (the thought of) 'living up' to being that partner causes you stress; OR, is it something- a cologne, an expression, -it could be anything, that triggers you into 'feeling' this way; OR, do you just fundamentally think that he really doesn't care, or doesn't understand and really doesn't care to?

Yikes, hope that makes more sense. It's really up to him to sort it out. But even his T could be wrong. I've found that 'unhealthy' or not, every person knows themself best. It's just that we 'learn'/ think that our opinions don't have value/ can't be right.

 

[CCurry]

Hi Junebug,

When you flipped it around like that it makes sense and I guess I can only go by what I've been told and that is the association to feeling helpless and guilty but I can see there are so many variables that it can also be. He hates that he's putting me through this so just thinking about that can trigger him.

Like SheCat has said that this is a process, spending time with me repeatedly, then leaving to decompress over and over again until it gets easier.

He just left again from his hour long homework assignment and yes he was triggered. I barely see it though, I guess he's not here long enough for me to see its full effect but he told me its the same as the last 2 nights which means he'll take a few hours to come down for it. I know its hard on him, it has to be knowing that you're going to walk right into a trigger but I can't help but feel like he really is trying.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Can I ask what you 2 do when he comes over??? Ok, I don't want any personal details, but a rough sketch of things will do...

junebug is correct in a lot of what she says, but there is also that we try and gauge ourselves by others opinions also......Which can lead to a trigger....

 

[CCurry]

There is nothing personal about it, he's here for one hour and tonight he walked in just as I had dinner ready. We all ate and chatted and he was out the door after the clean up and maybe he is gauging and in fact I'm sure he is.

I guess they'll really have to sort this out in therapy but he does seem okay when he leave his anxiety is just in the beginning stages and then he says it takes him about 3 to 4 hours to come down.

 

[Deleted member 541]

So what do you chat about??? I'm just trying to figure out what exactly triggers him when he is there...

 

[CCurry]

We chit chat about his day and about my day, the kids tell us about things are going on but just recently like a lightbulb that has gone off I have noticed him being triggered if I say things like, I miss you, I can't wait till you move back in, this is really hard, can you spend more time here, my weekends are lonely or showing any tears.....I think you can see there is a common thread there AND that's why I have decided to stay away from that sort of talk. Even if I don't talk like that, he may not get triggered right away but I can see (and he's told me) that the anxiety slowly starts to brew and just like tonight nothing I said actually triggered but I can see it was very slowly starting to trickle in (the anxiety that is).

 

[helena]

Hi CC,

When you say he is 'triggered' what does he say happens to him? For example, a trigger for my so can be a firework (physical effect) or watching something on TV that can cause a night terror and so on.

He may get annoyed around certain people, he may get tense when subjects are discussed (e.g. someone venting about alcoholics or the war etc) but he does not 'trigger' as such. He has a reaction like anyone else has and then it probably takes longer for him to get over it. The point I am trying to make (badly obviously) is that there are 'triggers' and there are 'feelings' - so he feels bad when you get emotional with him or remind him that you are supposed to be a couple/living together/that you are lonely and/or miss him. Why? That is what he has to answer and he has to answer truthfully.

Not everything is ptsd (imho) there can be a whole load of other 'issues' that were there before he went to war too and can carry on alongside ptsd and/or any other mental health issue. Lots of 'normal' people have issues and if a man was acting like this (and had not been diagnosed with ptsd) then he would get another type of label wouldn't he? I guess I am saying CC, consider forgetting about ptsd as an explanation. This is a bizarre reaction but it is also in so many ways completetely intolerable for you. Does the therapist not even consider your own feelings in this? It is like you are put in a position of being an abuser in some way - that you are so 'dangerous' to his wellbeing that he can only spend an hour with you.

CC you are a lot stronger than me and I have been through some stuff but I don't think I could endure this for as long as you have.

Big Hugs and catch up soon

helena