Conflicts With Spouse Over A Small Matter: Melting Down- Having Trouble Seeing The Good Way Out

[dharmaBum]

I've been in treatment for a reactivation for PTSD (likely C-PTSD) for two years and was diagnosed with moderate to severe depression a year ago- which hasn't changed much on the scale even with treatment. I've struggled with suicidal ideation and severe self-criticism including body dysmporphia most of my life with three unsuccessful suicide attempts.

This weekend I was struck with a somewhat spontaneous revisitation of suicidal thinking out of frustration with this year long seeming intransigent depression. Then coincidentally my husband starts complaining that I don't do the cleaning job that he expects at our house (I'm a stay-at-home parent of a five year old and watch a three year old part time during the week for a friend).

It's all become a catastrophe in my brain/heart. I was already really struggling with daily self-negativity over the depression and this insidious negative body image. The suicidal thoughts came up when I was contemplating the possibility that a criminal appeal involving a man who raped me repeatedly for five years might never be resolved, or that I might be seriously depressed until it is.

This same weekend is likely an anniversary of this man kidnapping me over night when I was 13 for a weekend of what I was told was a chance to live as if we were married, but was just an opportunity for unlimited and heartless sexual abuse.

I've talked through none of the above issues with my husband, but rather we tried to talk as rationally as possible about resolving the conflict over how I clean the kitchen. Which took several hours over two days. I haven't gotten to a feeling of goodness about myself or him. I actually am full of rather bad feelings and hopelessness and have a week long visit to his parents house in a few days.

I don't remember how to get out of this headspace which is full of terrible thoughts about myself and no loving connection with my husband. I look back at our life together and just see that I have come up short in his estimation over and over again. It feels crushing, so then I try not to think about it, but it doesn't go away. I can't concentrate on being the present, wonderful parent for our daughter. I want to be alone, but I really want to be together with someone who loves me unconditionally and can help me feel better. Due to child abuse and neglect, there is not this kind of person in my family and all of my close friends seem to be going through more intense struggles so I feel unable to even begin to talk to them about what I am going through.

Have you been through this? Especially in a repetitive kind of cycle? It happens seasonally, sometimes monthly. It has happened off and on over the years through our relationship (married 16 years) and it almost always has resulted in me feeling nauseously self-conscious of my every action for sometimes weeks as I try to be the person he wants. It feels very scary.

If you have been through this, what makes things better for you?

 

[deer_in_headlights]

(((((((((((dharmaBum))))))))))))))

I'm in it, too... my heart goes out to you, and thank you for the reminder Dharma, that we're really not alone...

It always helps to remind myself that it's HIS stuff, it's not a reflection on my self-worth... that he has to tear me down so he doesn't feel bad about himself. Controlling people can be masterful at finding something that gets at our own insecurities, or where we feel we fall short, even though there are very good reasons for it. They can not only hammer us with perceived shortcomings, but get us to crush ourselves in feelings of worthlessness.

We cannot be the people controlling, criticizing husbands want, just as they are completely incapable of being who we want and need them to be.
When we marry controlling people who want all attention on them, we can NEVER please them.

One wonderful woman therapist is training me how to hear his put-downs and just let them slide off. She keeps asking me, why do I care what he thinks? That shocked me at first, but now I'm understanding how much it helps to care less and less about his tearing-down words or what he thinks about me.

A good thing happening, as I no longer react in distress or trying harder. I just show I'm listening but in a form of disinterest because I'm thinking, "I don't care." (I have never said it out loud, I just think it. There is no defensive response on my part, no argument, nothing... I just don't care - well, maybe part of me does, but he doesn't see that anymore. I might say something more neutral like, "Yes I'd like to see that, too, but, unfortunately, I'm unable to do it right now." That's the most he'll get from me.)
The amount of criticism has diminished, and it becomes more his problem. (Interesting...)

I don't know if that helps, I just know that's what I cling to now when things get too painful as he tries to pull me down and elevate himself. I stay quiet, calm, no disrespect... so nothing gets escalated, even though I know I can try to show him my position, and any reasonable man would be capable of listening, my husband is not. All he wants is to be right, and to win. I'm just not playing anymore.

Please don't join him and think terrible thoughts about yourself.
I know that's difficult...

((((((((((((((((dharmaBum))))))))))))))

 

[Wayne46]

This may not be directly related to your situation but I am also having trouble seeing a good way out of my situation as delinated below. I hope someone will respond offer constructive feedback based perhaps on a similar situaton.

I am having trouble with my 3 daughters who all live in the same city. All are in their mid and late twenties and I am 65 and divorced for the past 22 years. For the past two years everytime we collectively meet, they constantly criticise what I say, what I do, how I am, what I believe etc and find fault with virtually everything about me. I have reached a point where I feel I can't take these constant mental and verbal attacks anymore. It is as if they are just waiting for a reason to pounce on everything I do or say and even criticise me about past events that never even happened but they believe did. I am a well educated man yet they berate me as if am devoid of any cognitive abilities.If I remain silent, they will purposely try to start the attack by asking a question so they can open the door to begin to deluge me with criticism directed at everything about me. If I suggest something each reply "Oh, dad you know everything!" I love my children and really don't know why these attacks became the focal point whenever we get together over the past two years. I have PSTD and clinical depression with suicidal tendencies, and have a host of other serious medical issues of which they aware and I am on disability, Yet, they keep verbally attacking me and I realize that it is getting worse over time.

I love them and really don't want to cut off all contact with them, but I feel I have reached an emotional state where I want nothing more to do with any of them because it is affecting my emotional state and making me feel so depressed and alienated. I have contemplated suicide many times over the past year. I feel they don't really love me and have lost their respect that they may have had for me. Although they say they love me, and tell me they are just trying to help me, yet they relish and seem to immensly enjoy attacking me Mmetaphorically, they are like a pack of sharks waiting for that one drop of blood so they can attack and tear me apart. These personal attacks are becoming more severe and hurtful and start within minutes after we meet. How can they say they love me and do what they do that hurts me so deeply. I feel so alone and alienated and truly unloved, and worthless. I think of suicide constantly. I really need feedback about whether I should cut-off all contact with each of them and how to deal with it from anyone who has experienced (or not) a similar situation. I face a dilemma as to what I should do. I am no playing the "poor me" game and I am very serious and need helpful suggestions and feedback.

 

[deer_in_headlights]

Dear Wayne,

My heart aches for you!!!
I'm depleted right now, so my answer won't be as full as I wish I could give you, but over time, I hope I can be of some assistance... and so many here are able to empathize with you in this.

It is extremely painful to cut off contact with loved, but hurtful, family members.
Sometimes that has to happen, in order to give us time and a "safe space" in order to recover our footing and to heal.

I know you're not playing "poor me" I know this is serious... which is why you must now put yourself first. Even if they become angry at your no longer accepting the punching bag role they currently have you in.

It was very difficult for me to distance myself from my extremely abusive family, but have needed to do it for my own survival. Therapists have been working with me to help me overcome my wishful thinking, dreams and hopes for a healed, loving family.
It's really important that you work with your therapist about that. I do hope you have a good therapist!

To give up the dream that your daughters will love you and respect you, and treat you with gentleness is painful... but will result in your being able to let go and heal. You can wish them well in your heart, but they are old enough now to be responsible for their reprehensible behavior. They treat you badly and abuse and neglect you in your brokenness... you deserve better than that, and for your own survival it's time to sever the cord and learn how to live in peace, safety and with the healing respect of others who can see you for who you truly are.

You deserve care, love, respect, new life...
Nothing less will do.

With deep respect and concern,
Deer

 

[intothelight]

Hi Wayne,

I am sorry that the relationship with your daughters is one filled with conflict. Really I would suggest discussing it in detail with your T as there are some underlying relationship issues that need to be addressed. Setting boundaries and rules for discussion is perfectly acceptable, and since they are adults, they should be able to respect and honor those boundaries.

Sometime relationships get stuck in what I call "broken record" mode, and they keep playing the same "song" over and over again. Hopefully by working on communication, in a positive manner, you and your daughters can get past this "scratch". (Showing my age by vinyl references :).)

Wishing you the best.
Debbie

 

[BloomInWinter]

(((Wayne)))

Divide and...ask them what they are angry about so you can find out. Then you can work with your T. to 'meet them where they are' but without taking on all the responsibility for the relationship.

Just my .02

Meeting them as a group allows them to reinforce the old roles.

Make new memories with each.

You all deserve healing.