Sufferer Confused And Looking, Recent Cptsd And Possible Did

[Zef]

I am a 43 year old male. I have been on anti-depressants for years with, basically, self-diagnosed depression. Anxiety issues got bad enough 2 years ago that I was afraid I could not support my family much longer. I began therapy. I busted someone for child porn a couple months ago. I had my first flashback that afternoon. My siblings, mom and all of her siblings were sexually abused by grandfather. I was the last to get memories.

Therapist had convinced me of PTSD diagnosis a short time ago. I have had a few more fragmentary flashbacks. Last week's session has me thinking that I may have some sort of borderline DID, even though I really don't have very many of the official symptoms.

So, I am very confused. I don't believe in anything. I've lost trust in myself. Parts of me want to stop fighting.


<edited for basic grammar by Deaf Global Nomad>

 

[Muzikluvr]

Welcome to the forum, Zef.

 

[Elisacullen21]

Welcome to the forum :)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Welcome!

Just being curious, what symptoms do you have that lead you to suspect DID?

Hugs,
SOL

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum.

Not really the best thing to self diagnose. Not best for you or your overall health.

Take care of yourself.

 

[Zef]

Thanks for the welcomes all. Much appreciated.

SOL,
My last therapy session is the only real symptom, but it wasn't like the classical DID people think of. I've always had aspects of myself that would usually just argue in my head. I had been in kind of an angry mode for the day and for some reason decided to take that mode into the session this time. (Even as I type this I'm trying to convince myself I'm full of crap.)

I let the therapist know, she set some ground rules and basically said it was OK. So I just kind of let angry mode do the talking instead of trying to filter it. At the end of the session, I ended up with a different viewpoint of angry mode and other 'modes' that I have. I ended up with a perception that me (my main personality or whatever you want to call it) is basically the controller. Once I let angry mode have the floor, so to speak, it basically took over and felt internally like a different me. I was still there, but it was almost like my brain was wired differently. Same brain, but it really felt internally like almost a different personality.

On the other hand, I seem to have full consciousness of the different 'modes', no missing time, etc.

Mostly the experience has freaked me out. I haven't gone to work since (two work days), been scouring the internet for information or people's experiences trying to find something that matched my experience and eventually ended up subscribing to a couple of forums like this just to ask questions and try to organize my thoughts by typing them out.

 

[Srain]

Welcome to the Forum, Zef.

I get the concerns with the diagnosis of DID, I was unsure that is what was going on with me after I was first diagnosed with PTSD. What I found out was that it is highly unusual to be 'aware' of your other selves if you truly have DID. (I am not a professional, please understand.) It's a rare condition and often people with PTSD get misdiagnosed because what occurs is Dissociation, which is not always understood by those who are not trained Trauma Therapists. I certainly did not have a clear understanding what was happening to me at the time.

I'm glad you have found this Site. There is a lot of information and many people here who can relate to what you have been through, I know can. Please take good care of yourself.

Peace,
RAin