Confused and lost

[KaSi]

I’ve never written on a forum like this before so this is a first and I hope it makes sense.

I’ve had a pretty screwed up life. I won’t go too much into things but there are some pretty traumatic things that happened, things like incest and physical abuse by my brother. I’ve been disowned by my family because I refused to be quiet about what he did to me and my sisters.

I can’t remember A LOT of my childhood, barely anything. I get glimpses of things sometimes but that’s it. Sometimes this makes me feel crazy. The fact that there while there are so many memories of abuse, there are also these huge gaps as well where I can’t remember a thing.

I remember my brother molesting and possibly raping my sisters but I never remember him doing it to me. He picked on me more than anyone else so if I think about it, there is the possibility that he had sexually abused me too, but I can’t remember. I know I never had a hymen but then there are a lot of reasons that may happen so I don’t take that as proof I have been molested. I was raped when I was 15 though, by a friend of mine. I remember just freezing and waiting for it to be over - perhaps that was a learned behaviour. I don’t know. How can I find out if I was or not? I don’t like the idea of the memory recovery stuff because I’m afraid of false memories and I really want the truth!

I do get counselling but I can’t open up. It’s really hard for me. It’s easy here because nobody knows me, but face-to-face I have instant panic attacks and feel like I’m dying. Ugh, I hope this all makes sense. I feel so confused about everything right now.

 

[Muted]

I do get counselling but I can’t open up.

Do you feel comfortable with your counselor? It can take some time to discuss the deeper stuff.

 

[Deleted member 44579]

Hi @kasi... I'm so sorry you had to go through that....

Memories usually come back to us in flashbacks.. Or a certain smell, place, situation.. The list is different for each one of us.
These are usually in the wrong place and time....
I don't think you have screwed up your life... Because it's not over yet.... Try not to be so hard on yourself... It really doesn't help you...

It's going to be a difficult path... Remembering things and I'm glad you have found this forum. These are good people, who have bee through the same... And have knowledge, wisdom and support to help you. Also we offer lots of hugs.....
Take care... When you are ready.. Open up to your counsellor... They can help... Alot.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

Glad you found this space and chose to become a part of the community. Lots of wisdom, compassion, and hard-learned experience resides here.

To this day, I still have to share the really deep things in writing, as I tend to trip over my thoughts, tongue, and emotions when trying to relay them in person...and I've been seeing the same counselor for quite some time now and am totally comfortable with her.

I do the same with my husband and other various healers/friends/acquaintances in my life, too. I feel it helps me become a better/more thorough communicator, leaving less room for well-meaning misunderstandings and such, and gives others more of a chance to know more necessary details without me breaking under the pressure of simply trying to express myself fully while swimming through each emotional response/reaction of doing so.

I'll often start a word document or hand write in my journal/notebook the thoughts and ideas I most want to share at my next appt. as they come to me, then hand it to her to read when I get there, or sometimes email it ahead of time to give her even more of a chance to read and absorb it before I get there.

Wishing you much wellness and relief in your pursuit of ongoing self-care. It's a strange space to exist in when we've never had a chance to learn how to healthily proceed within our own skin, but here we are, still existing and getting through our days as best we can. Welcome.