xerois1337
New Here
Hello all.
I am new to the forums. I have been reading and reading non stop for days...
Just officially joined today. Over the past week I have found some advice and answers here and there...
But I finally worked up the courage to share my story in the hopes of getting some... answers.
Thank you for taking the time to read. I will try and make this brief, and include the most important details.
My fiancee and I were in a long term relationship for nearing 5 years. He is a combat vet who was active duty army and later stepped down into the national guard. He is currently still national guard. He and I met and hit it off wonderfully. Got along, moved in together within a month of knowing each other. Things were amazing. Until... his wife of less than one year found me online... told me about herself and about how he had left her for me. I was floored. But at this point... I loved him and would forgive him anything... He and she divorced and split completely. He seemed ashamed for not telling me. In this time I found out about a woman he got pregnant while they were deployed... she was from Mississippi, he was stationed in Tennessee. She took him to court for child support, a DNA test was done... in the end she gave him a choice, move here full time or leave us alone. He stayed in TN. He has no rights to the child. Has never met the child. (I found this bothersome) but it was the past... So none of my business. A year goes by in harmony. He has moments of sadness, anger, panic... but mostly everything was good. He cheats on me with a girl from where he was stationed that he knew before... I find out, contact her, it blows up in his face. He comes home. We continue on. Almost two years pass. Everything is good. A few episodes of panic and depression here and there... nothing major. We were doing GREAT and suddenly he leaves me again... for another woman... again... moves straight from our house into hers. Lies to me, says he is staying with an army buddy to clear his head. (sure) Well... that blows up in his face too. He comes back. We go along for another year. Happy, jokes, everything was great again. Then suddenly the panic attacks show back up. Going to dinner creates anxiety. Loud noises always have been an issue, loud crowds, anything... He has the attacks more frequently but refuses to talk about them. Refuses counseling. He refuses medicines because they make him feel like a zombie. Things start going good, he FINALLY gets a job (his first since we met) in October 2014. I am so proud. He seems to be actually figuring things out and trying to get his head on straight. We open a business together for me. He helps me get it, the licenses and all. I decide for us to move from our home and into the back of the business temporarily to save some money while we get things figured out. He goes along with it. From the moment we moved into the back of the business... things get a little strained. I assumed it was just the adjustment... He was still loving and seemed happy. Just a little distant now and then... preoccupied...
January 17th rolls around. He wants to talk. Proceeds to tell me he is moving out. He can't take "the situation" anymore... I was unaware of any situation... Proceeds to say he needs time and space... he needs to do this to figure himself out, and he needs some time. If he can help himself it will help us... for me not to worry that we aren't breaking up, that he just needs to figure things out. I panic... assume it's another woman again. I take it HARD. I panic. I smother, I text, I call... I didn't know what to do. I beg I plead... he grows farther and farther away. Mentions that he is starting to resent me. So I stop... as best as I can. He has moved in with an older lady who is friends of a mutual friend of ours. He is renting a room from her. She's not someone he would date so the cycle of moving straight into the new woman's house seems to be broken... He has a string of bad luck with his truck... decides to get a new one. (didn't consult me or tell me until after) we were still together at this time. He tells me excitedly about the truck. Wants to go have dinner and hang out with me to celebrate. We do. We have a wonderful time... we are intimate, more passion than ever before. It was heaven. After... he withdraws. We see each other a few more times for "errands" nothing personal... like the feelings were there and then...weren't. We go from talking personally to...small talk or talk about "business" only. He withdraws... then suddenly says we have to break up. That he doesn't want a relationship with me or anyone else anymore. He wants to be alone. On his own. Independent. I take it poorly. I demand he break up with me in person. It takes him about 2 hours of us talking to accomplish the task. This was February 12. Valentines Day rolls around he tells me happy valentines day... for the first time EVER. Says he will still be around and wants me in his life even though things suck right now. Cool. He becomes more distant by the day... Now? He will NOT talk to me. Doesn't want to see me. Not socially anyway. He will see me to get things, or to run an "errand" or something like that... and he will talk to me about "business" but not personally. I mention he doesn't love me... he blows up at me. I love you. I will always love you. I care about you. I always will... you can love and care about someone and not want to be with them...(what?) I want to be alone. On my own. No relationship with you or anyone else. No friends. No nothing. I just want to work and go home and be alone. It's just what I need right now. I found out a few weeks ago that I am pregnant with his child. I was terrified to tell him... I put it off. And once I finally did... he seemed floored. Didn't want to talk about it much. Then suddenly wants to meet to talk about it. Shows up with pregnancy tests demanding I take them to prove it to him... when I told him and wanted to show him the tests... he said he believed me, that I wouldn't lie about something like that... then all of a sudden I need to prove it? I was confused.. hurt... and angry... so I refused. I was so hurt... we talked for over two hours about the relationship... he was madder by the word because "that's not what this talk is supposed to be about". Yet he talked. Said the same things... about wanting to be alone. Wanting no one. Wanting no one to be part of his life, and wanting to be part of no one's life. Said he had nothing to talk to me about unless it was business or about the pregnancy. So... I was hurt. He said he loves me, cares about me... that he "removed himself from the situation" and if we don't talk we can't "further the situation". A few days later he bombards me with messages about how I am being suspicious and that he thinks I am lying because I refused to take those tests for him. So I offer to take them the following day... he agrees saying he will contact me. Yet... he never did. A week passes with no word. Until he asks about a doctor's appointment. I went... I didn't tell him because I didn't think he cared.. I have been giving him space by letting him initiate all the contact so that he is in control... so I told him how it went and what was said. He was furious because I didn't tell him before. I apologized. He says he wants to be there for me for this. But not there for me, for his kid. Which hurt that much more. He says he was coming at the start of the week for all his things... and yet... a week later, I have heard nothing. Over the time since January, he has grown more distant by the day, almost like he is weaning himself away from me. Yet.. he says he wants no relationship and we are done...(for now forever? I have no idea) He hasn't gotten ANY of his stuff. All he has are work clothes, and maybe a handful of outfits. I have ALL of his things. He threatens to come get them... yet never does. His check from his job is STILL getting direct deposited into our joint checking account. His mail, even new mail from his truck, from his new bank account, and everything is still coming to my house. I have his dog... which he loves. He has already said his landlord is allowing him to have her, but he won't come get her. He wanted to separate our phone bills... but I haven't followed though, he hasn't mentioned it again. He isn't paying his bills, even though he has the money. He isn't taking care of anything. It's like he has just... put himself on auto pilot or something. I've never seen anything like it. He talks to our mutual friend Suzi, who is an older lady that we both go to for advice... but won't talk to her about me. Doesn't ask about me. He hasn't checked on me...It's hard to believe that the person I was planning to spend my life with who loved me as much as I know he did could just up and turn all his feelings off like they never happened... He hasn't changed his number, hasn't cut my phone off, hasn't moved, as far as I can figure out, there isn't another woman. I am so lost... Is this isolation?? Is he just running away for a while? Or is he gone forever? I have no answers. And when I try and ask him, he either won't answer... or says... I don't know. it's heartbreaking. He has deleted his facebook. He isn't talking to any of our friends... So I am just lost. I want him in my life, I want to help. I want to understand. For me... If he is done, and we aren't getting back together, why are there so many loose ends left hanging here? Why won't he come get his stuff?
Any advice or help is appreciated. I am sorry that was so long... it's like things just kept popping into my head to write as I did. Thank you all for your time.
--Ashley
I am new to the forums. I have been reading and reading non stop for days...
Just officially joined today. Over the past week I have found some advice and answers here and there...
But I finally worked up the courage to share my story in the hopes of getting some... answers.
Thank you for taking the time to read. I will try and make this brief, and include the most important details.
My fiancee and I were in a long term relationship for nearing 5 years. He is a combat vet who was active duty army and later stepped down into the national guard. He is currently still national guard. He and I met and hit it off wonderfully. Got along, moved in together within a month of knowing each other. Things were amazing. Until... his wife of less than one year found me online... told me about herself and about how he had left her for me. I was floored. But at this point... I loved him and would forgive him anything... He and she divorced and split completely. He seemed ashamed for not telling me. In this time I found out about a woman he got pregnant while they were deployed... she was from Mississippi, he was stationed in Tennessee. She took him to court for child support, a DNA test was done... in the end she gave him a choice, move here full time or leave us alone. He stayed in TN. He has no rights to the child. Has never met the child. (I found this bothersome) but it was the past... So none of my business. A year goes by in harmony. He has moments of sadness, anger, panic... but mostly everything was good. He cheats on me with a girl from where he was stationed that he knew before... I find out, contact her, it blows up in his face. He comes home. We continue on. Almost two years pass. Everything is good. A few episodes of panic and depression here and there... nothing major. We were doing GREAT and suddenly he leaves me again... for another woman... again... moves straight from our house into hers. Lies to me, says he is staying with an army buddy to clear his head. (sure) Well... that blows up in his face too. He comes back. We go along for another year. Happy, jokes, everything was great again. Then suddenly the panic attacks show back up. Going to dinner creates anxiety. Loud noises always have been an issue, loud crowds, anything... He has the attacks more frequently but refuses to talk about them. Refuses counseling. He refuses medicines because they make him feel like a zombie. Things start going good, he FINALLY gets a job (his first since we met) in October 2014. I am so proud. He seems to be actually figuring things out and trying to get his head on straight. We open a business together for me. He helps me get it, the licenses and all. I decide for us to move from our home and into the back of the business temporarily to save some money while we get things figured out. He goes along with it. From the moment we moved into the back of the business... things get a little strained. I assumed it was just the adjustment... He was still loving and seemed happy. Just a little distant now and then... preoccupied...
January 17th rolls around. He wants to talk. Proceeds to tell me he is moving out. He can't take "the situation" anymore... I was unaware of any situation... Proceeds to say he needs time and space... he needs to do this to figure himself out, and he needs some time. If he can help himself it will help us... for me not to worry that we aren't breaking up, that he just needs to figure things out. I panic... assume it's another woman again. I take it HARD. I panic. I smother, I text, I call... I didn't know what to do. I beg I plead... he grows farther and farther away. Mentions that he is starting to resent me. So I stop... as best as I can. He has moved in with an older lady who is friends of a mutual friend of ours. He is renting a room from her. She's not someone he would date so the cycle of moving straight into the new woman's house seems to be broken... He has a string of bad luck with his truck... decides to get a new one. (didn't consult me or tell me until after) we were still together at this time. He tells me excitedly about the truck. Wants to go have dinner and hang out with me to celebrate. We do. We have a wonderful time... we are intimate, more passion than ever before. It was heaven. After... he withdraws. We see each other a few more times for "errands" nothing personal... like the feelings were there and then...weren't. We go from talking personally to...small talk or talk about "business" only. He withdraws... then suddenly says we have to break up. That he doesn't want a relationship with me or anyone else anymore. He wants to be alone. On his own. Independent. I take it poorly. I demand he break up with me in person. It takes him about 2 hours of us talking to accomplish the task. This was February 12. Valentines Day rolls around he tells me happy valentines day... for the first time EVER. Says he will still be around and wants me in his life even though things suck right now. Cool. He becomes more distant by the day... Now? He will NOT talk to me. Doesn't want to see me. Not socially anyway. He will see me to get things, or to run an "errand" or something like that... and he will talk to me about "business" but not personally. I mention he doesn't love me... he blows up at me. I love you. I will always love you. I care about you. I always will... you can love and care about someone and not want to be with them...(what?) I want to be alone. On my own. No relationship with you or anyone else. No friends. No nothing. I just want to work and go home and be alone. It's just what I need right now. I found out a few weeks ago that I am pregnant with his child. I was terrified to tell him... I put it off. And once I finally did... he seemed floored. Didn't want to talk about it much. Then suddenly wants to meet to talk about it. Shows up with pregnancy tests demanding I take them to prove it to him... when I told him and wanted to show him the tests... he said he believed me, that I wouldn't lie about something like that... then all of a sudden I need to prove it? I was confused.. hurt... and angry... so I refused. I was so hurt... we talked for over two hours about the relationship... he was madder by the word because "that's not what this talk is supposed to be about". Yet he talked. Said the same things... about wanting to be alone. Wanting no one. Wanting no one to be part of his life, and wanting to be part of no one's life. Said he had nothing to talk to me about unless it was business or about the pregnancy. So... I was hurt. He said he loves me, cares about me... that he "removed himself from the situation" and if we don't talk we can't "further the situation". A few days later he bombards me with messages about how I am being suspicious and that he thinks I am lying because I refused to take those tests for him. So I offer to take them the following day... he agrees saying he will contact me. Yet... he never did. A week passes with no word. Until he asks about a doctor's appointment. I went... I didn't tell him because I didn't think he cared.. I have been giving him space by letting him initiate all the contact so that he is in control... so I told him how it went and what was said. He was furious because I didn't tell him before. I apologized. He says he wants to be there for me for this. But not there for me, for his kid. Which hurt that much more. He says he was coming at the start of the week for all his things... and yet... a week later, I have heard nothing. Over the time since January, he has grown more distant by the day, almost like he is weaning himself away from me. Yet.. he says he wants no relationship and we are done...(for now forever? I have no idea) He hasn't gotten ANY of his stuff. All he has are work clothes, and maybe a handful of outfits. I have ALL of his things. He threatens to come get them... yet never does. His check from his job is STILL getting direct deposited into our joint checking account. His mail, even new mail from his truck, from his new bank account, and everything is still coming to my house. I have his dog... which he loves. He has already said his landlord is allowing him to have her, but he won't come get her. He wanted to separate our phone bills... but I haven't followed though, he hasn't mentioned it again. He isn't paying his bills, even though he has the money. He isn't taking care of anything. It's like he has just... put himself on auto pilot or something. I've never seen anything like it. He talks to our mutual friend Suzi, who is an older lady that we both go to for advice... but won't talk to her about me. Doesn't ask about me. He hasn't checked on me...It's hard to believe that the person I was planning to spend my life with who loved me as much as I know he did could just up and turn all his feelings off like they never happened... He hasn't changed his number, hasn't cut my phone off, hasn't moved, as far as I can figure out, there isn't another woman. I am so lost... Is this isolation?? Is he just running away for a while? Or is he gone forever? I have no answers. And when I try and ask him, he either won't answer... or says... I don't know. it's heartbreaking. He has deleted his facebook. He isn't talking to any of our friends... So I am just lost. I want him in my life, I want to help. I want to understand. For me... If he is done, and we aren't getting back together, why are there so many loose ends left hanging here? Why won't he come get his stuff?
Any advice or help is appreciated. I am sorry that was so long... it's like things just kept popping into my head to write as I did. Thank you all for your time.
--Ashley
